Pretty much every time I\’ve ventured into the dentist\’s office for the past 30 years or so, I\’ve gotten the same speech about brushing more.  But when I went in for my cleaning today, I got the exact opposite – the hygienist told me I\’ve actually been brushing too much.

After looking at my gums, she asked me if I was an \”aggressive brusher.\”  But she said it in a way that seemed as if there were a subtext to her accusation – as if brushing your teeth vigorously was a sign of latent anger issues.  She said that my gums were very irritated and starting to recede, although there wasn\’t any sign of any periodontal disease or anything – so once again, she sharply asked me if I was an aggressive brusher: as if I\’m an angry man who wakes up every morning intent on taking out my frustration with the world on my gums.  It seemed like I was being investigated for a murder or something, with the bright light shining in my face and all.  I\’m not sure if the Constitution guarantees me the right to an attorney when being grilled by a dental hygienist.

At this point, I kind of threw my wife under the bus.  I told the hygienist that I had a toothbrush with unusually hard bristles.  She asked where I bought it.  I couldn\’t tell her the truth – that I had bought it illegally on the \”hard bristled toothbrush\” black market along with a shipment of cop killer bullets, so I told her my wife bought it for me, and I didn\’t know where.  Fortunately, I didn\’t have my hand on the Bible when I said it.  Crisis averted.

Of course, it didn\’t end there.  She went and ratted me out to the dentist, who then had to come check it out for himself.  It\’s always concerning when a doctor looks at a part of your body and acts like he (or she) sees something they\’ve never seen before.  Then he asked \”are you an unusually aggressive brusher?\”  I told him I had a brush with really hard bristles.  He glanced over at the hygienist, who shrugged, as if to say, \”I couldn\’t break him, either.\”

Finally, they gave me a brush with soft bristles and sent me on my way – but not before I punched them both out.  Shows them for accusing me of being an angry brusher.