Christian Schneider

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For parents of young kids, there\’s only one thing more troubling than your kids being loud and obnoxious – your kids being really, really quiet.  It is during these quiet moments that they are plotting how best to tie you up while you sleep.

Today, I was watching football, and noticed that my kids (5 and 3) were out on the porch and not making a peep.  I went out to check on them, to see them with construction paper, scissors and markers making something.  When asking them what they were doing, I got this reply:

\”Since you won\’t let us have a puppy dog, we\’re making one ourselves.\”

As it turns out, they were creating a puppy out of an empty Diet Coke box.  Apparently, the sea monkeys we\’re growing aren\’t providing them with the companionship they crave.  They named the dog \”Sarah.\”  My daughter claims it\’s not named after Sarah Palin, but that would be awfully coincidental, since we had a prolonged discussion about Palin just hours before this new Frankenstein puppy was created.

So, as a public service, I bring you Sarah the Diet Coke Box Puppy (complete with leash, dog tag, and paper bones):


Today, my daughter had her last fall soccer game.  Her team played against a team comprised of kids that seemed a lot younger than her.  As a result, her team would just take the ball straight down the field and score every time.  And the first few goals her team scored, they either celebrated by crawling on all fours back to the middle of the field or by doing this airplane dance where they ran around with their arms out, like they were gliding.

After watching this after about five goals, I finally had to call her over and tell her to knock it off.  I\’ve played sports my whole life, and the last thing you want to do is to be a bad sport and embarrass the other team – especially when they\’re all four year olds.  At some point, some adult had to show them how to celebrate like they\’re playing for Brazil in the World Cup or something.  But, of course, I looked like the bad guy for trying to teach them how to win with class.  Just makes you wonder what ideas other adults are filling my kids\’ heads with.

For some reason, my son has been going up to everyone he sees, asking them if they want to see him hop on one leg.  He hasn\’t been turned down yet, and his one leg hopping is a real crowd pleaser.  It\’s nice to see that he has his college pickup lines already as part of his arsenal.  Think about it – go up to a girl in a bar and ask her if she would like to see you hop on one leg.  Who is going to turn you down?  I just wish I had my son\’s lines to use when I was a single guy.  But if I had lines that potent, he\’d have a few more unwelcome brothers and sisters.

1 Comment

  1. This post made me laugh out loud. Your kids are clearly Schneiders through and through (uh, not that there was any doubt, of course). Your fans demand a video of Cole hopping up and down!

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