Admit it – at some point, you’ve been sitting at home watching some talk show or game show, seen a guest on the show, and said “I can do better than that dope.” Then you start thinking about how everyone would love you if some network only gave you a chance to show how smart and charming you are on the air. Well, I’m here to say – it doesn’t quite work that way.

I got the call on Tuesday that Charlie Sykes wanted me to be a guest on his show that airs Sunday. The show tapes on Friday, so I’d have to drive from Madison to Milwaukee on Friday afternoon.

The second I agreed to it, I started feeling like I was having stomach ulcers. I was thinking this could be a complete disaster. If you ever wondered what TV would look like if they just dragged people off the street and asked them to be political commentators on television, this would be a good example. I started thinking of things I could say about whatever topic might come up (we don’t get the list of topics until Thursday afternoon, in case something late breaking happens.) I pieced together some stuff on Michelle Obama, Senator Roger Breske’s retirement, and other stuff. When I finally got the topic list, I started focusing on oil prices, Paul Ryan, and Michael McGee.

Now, I’ve been doing my little 90-second editorials on Wisconsin Public TV for over a year and a half now, but this was going to be entirely different. I’d have to make a statement, then have a follow-up response ready. I actually researched old shows to get a feel about what certain panelists might say about certain issues.

I got to the studio and met Jeff Fleming, Mykel Holt, and Ken Lamke. All were really nice guys, and welcomed me to the show. Lamke had actually heard of me, which kind of surprised me. We wandered over to the set, which seemed a little bigger than I thought it would be. Charlie took about 20 seconds to explain to me where to look at the camera, and reiterated that this show was as low-pressure as it gets. Of course, that may be true for the show’s regulars – once you have a track record of doing the show, you might be able to get away with making a mistake – but if you’re me, this show was going to be my first impression. And if I screwed up, people would think (or know, as the case may be) that I’m an idiot.

When the cameras started rolling and Charlie started talking, it suddenly turned completely surreal. I mean, here’s a show that I watch every week, with the same panelists I see on TV. And now, I’m sitting in one of the chairs, looking at these guys with the lights on. It’s almost like being in one of those exhibitions at Disney World that provide the “American Idol experience” or something. I was part of the “Sunday Insight” experience.

Right off the bat, Charlie came to me for a question. I immediately realized how hard this was going to be. I was trying hard to remember the quotes I had come up with beforehand. But your mouth starts moving, and you know words are coming out, but you can’t be entirely sure of what you’re saying. Your brain is thinking about everything other than what you’re saying. You catch a glimpse of yourself in the monitor out of the corner of your eye, and you think, mid-sentence, “can I possibly be that fat?” Right in the middle of one of my first points, it dawned on me that all four other guys on stage were staring right at me – and I stumbled over one of my points as a result. As I had predicted before the show, I was sweating like a whore in church.

We got through the oil price question, then the Paul Ryan topic, then moved on to the Michael McGee subject. This is where I bungled the question. In researching the topic beforehand, I couldn’t really think of anything else to say that hasn’t already been said about McGee. And when I’m writing, I think some of the best points I make are when I either look a couple steps ahead, or look back a few steps to figure out how we got here. I tried to do that with this topic, just to make an original point, and I flopped. I think it’s a reasonable question to ask how these inner city corruption cases are going to be handled under an Obama Department of Justice, especially since race tends to be a defense in many cases (as it will be in McGee’s.) But you only have about 15 seconds to make your case, and I stumbled doing so – and so by trying to make an original point, I ended up making one that just didn’t fit the discussion.

We finished up with the Winners and Losers section, and I think I did pretty well. My “losers” pick may have been a little more ribald than they’re used to, but I thought it was a funny topic, and it dealt with government. It spurred a lot of on-set discussion afterwards among the panelists, too.

While I was nervous before the show, I wasn’t nearly ready for the nervousness I would feel in the period between filming the show on Friday and Sunday when it aired. You go back and think about all the things you said and what you could have done better. It’s easy to be hard on yourself, because only you know all the great points that you were prepared to say, but didn’t get a chance to. (For instance, during the oil price discussion, I was wondering how Herb Kohl would feel about eliminating all the laws that keep milk prices artificially high. If we were paying as much per gallon for milk as we are for gas, he\’d be the happiest guy alive.) You just have to cross your fingers that the audience actually likes the things you did actually get a chance to say.

I was actually surprised at how little time you actually have to make your points. The show is probably actually only 20 minutes of air time, and when you subtract the opening sequences, Winners and Losers, and Charlie’s questions, there’s probably about 15 minutes of actual discussion among the five panelists. And when you divide that among three topics, you get about a minute per issue to make all your points.

So, lessons learned. If I’m ever asked back, I should do a little better. (Some of my early Public Television appearances were beyond rough, but I got the hang of it.) Fortunately, I was able to alleviate my stomach ulcers with a delicious Kopp\’s cheeseburger on the way home.

When the show goes up online, I\’ll link to it here. But I\’m not sure how long it will be before I\’m actually able to watch it.

With Memorial Day approaching, I happened to catch this press release issued on Friday by the Democratic Party of Wisconsin. Its title:

\”John McCain Doesn\’t Support Wisconsin Troops and Veterans.\”

Honest to God – how dare they. Let me repeat – HOW DARE THEY.

When Rachel Strauch-Nelson (the contact person on the release) spends six years being beaten to within an inch of her life by the Vietnamese, then she may be qualified to even use the words \”John McCain\” in a press release. I understand that Barack Obama himself made this a talking point, but even he should be embarrassed about this ridiculous attack. It\’s even more embarrassing when it\’s made by a bunch of political hacks barely out of college.

In fact, here\’s veterans\’ affairs expert Strauch-Nelson herself (right), during her time working against the gay marriage constitutional amendment:

I\’ve been in politics a long time, and I\’m aware that a lot of these garbage press releases are written by 20-somethings looking to get a cheap press hit. But this is simply beyond the pale. If the Wisconsin Democratic Party wants to attack John McCain for his views on health care, or the environment, or whatever, then they are free to do so. But saying a former P.O.W. \”doesn\’t care about veterans\” is simply indefensible. And it speaks more about the staff at DPW than it does about John McCain.

(Side note: I love it when Democrats accuse McCain of being \”weak on the economy.\” He\’s weak on the economy because he sides with the Democrats too often – such as when he opposed President Bush\’s tax cuts. But since he was attacked during the primary for being bad on the economy, liberals have picked up this talking point as their own – without realizing they\’re criticizing their own policies.)

This weekend in Madison marks the return of Bratfest, hailed as the \”world\’s largest sausage festival\” by the organizers at Sentry. Every year, the festival raises thousands of dollars for charity by selling Johnsonville tube steaks.

This, however, doesn\’t please some people. From the \”Community Comments\” section of the Cap Times this morning:

lib05 says:

I strongly urge people to not participate in brat fest.

Johnsonville brats are served there. I know it is a Wisconsin company, but Johnsonville has membership on WMC board….remember those folks that unapologetically purchased our last two supreme court justice races?

Johnsonville endorsed the campaign tactics that have marred Wisconsin\’s reputation and labeled us as having unfair elections…….

Good grief. I suppose that guy is posting those comments using a computer made out of hemp and hugs.

I have been invited to be a panelist on \”Sunday Insight With Charlie Sykes\” this Sunday morning.
Hopefully, there\’s no tradition requiring hazing for the new guy, like making me not wear pants or something. I\’m pretty nervous about the whole deal, but I suppose it\’s better than not being on TV, right?

I have informed the producers that they may need to set aside three minutes at the end of the show for Charlie to publicly dis-invite me from ever participating in the show again.

Al Qaeda is on the march, but we\’re using our heat seeking aircraft to c-block this guy:

Naked pilot, flight attendant arrested in woods

HARRISBURG, Pa. (AP) — An airline pilot was found hiding behind a shed wearing only flip-flops and a wristwatch as a nighttime romp in the woods with a flight attendant ended with both under arrest, police said.

Jeffrey Paul Bradford, 24, and Adrianna Grace Connor, 24, both employees of Pinnacle Airlines Inc., were at a diner on the outskirts of Harrisburg on Sunday night before they apparently decided to walk into the woods, police said.

\”They told the officer they wanted to go do it in the woods, essentially,\” said Lower Swatara Township police Sgt. Richard Brandt. \”That\’s the best answer they had.\”

The two somehow became separated, and people who live in the neighborhood summoned police around 9:30 p.m., saying they had seen a naked man and an intoxicated woman.

A helicopter with heat-seeking equipment was called in, and Bradford was discovered hiding behind a shed shortly before midnight.

\”Uh, captain – I see two small blue objects in the infared.\”

I\’m laying down the marker right now – if I\’m ever arrested for shooting a gun at my wife\’s car, there is a 100% chance that this is how I answer those charges:

My new column is up at the WPRI site. It attempts to explain why the number of female Republican legislators has plummeted in the past five years.

Last week, Sports Illustrated writer Lee Jenkins followed your Milwaukee Brewers around the country during their acrid road trip. The losing streak is chronicled in this excellent article, which includes a bizarre picture of Bob Uecker, shirtless and wearing uncomfortably small shorts:

I\’ve often made mention of how much I screwed off in college. My freshman year, the only real research I conducted was a detailed survey of the stores most likely to sell my roommate beer. (He had a fake ID, I did not.)

Given my current occupation, I got a kick out of this Virginia Tech report card I found from the second semester of my freshman year in 1992:

Check out the grade for \”Intro to Government and Politics.\” Yep… that\’s not a misprint.

There actually is somewhat of an explanation. Virginia Tech had what they called the \”freshman rule.\” Basically, your first year, you could take six credit hours and \”freshman rule\” them, meaning the grade would show up on your transcript, but the actual grades wouldn\’t be factored into your GPA. Thus, the zero points I got for Intro to Government didn\’t count against my otherwise stellar 2.15 grade point average. Basically, the class was too early in the morning, and I wasn\’t doing well in it anyway, so I just stopped going – knowing I could just freshman rule it. Not knowing, of course, that Government and Politics would one day become my profession.

Incidentally, following this semester, I dropped out of school for a semester and moved to Brookfield to build houses with my uncle. I was completely broke and my father (justifiably) refused to send me any more money, given the grades I was getting. It was at this point that I voted for the first time, for Russ Feingold and Bill Clinton.

During my recent trip to Seattle, one of the pressing local issues in the news dealt with the city council\’s recent decision to eliminate public toilets in the downtown area.  As could be predicted, the public toilets have become havens for drug use, crime, and prostitution.  And as I quickly found out, downtown Seattle is replete with people willing to take advantage of the opportunity.

According to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, the toilets have cost taxpayers about $4.3 million since they were installed in 2004. The money came from a tax on wastewater rates that cost the average single family household about $2.59 per year on an annual sewer bill of $465.

It should surprise no one that these bathrooms would be mistreated in this way.  In fact, it was completely predictable.  As they say, \”no one washes a rental car.\”  Sure, the intent was good – people do need to use the bathroom while downtown.  But you slap the word \”public\” on anything, and it\’s going to be ruined by people looking to take advantage of the taxpayers.

Had the city given the $4.3 million to a private company to build and maintain their own toilets, with whatever security rules they wished, you would probably still be able to go to the bathroom in downtown Seattle.  As it is, you better hit the fish market prepared to hold it.

Well, here I am at the airport again. After three days of looking at nothing but unfamiliar faces, it’ll be nice to be home. Just another four-hour flight ahead of me, then an hour drive from Mitchell Airport back home in Madison. Rumor has it my son just got his first professional haircut, so I’m anxious to see how he’s doing with the 2-year old ladies given his new look.

I gave my speech to the big Washington Policy Center health care convention yesterday, and I think it went pretty well. They were interested in hearing about the now-defunct Healthy Wisconsin universal government health plan, since a similar bill is being considered in the Washington Legislature. About a half hour before I gave my speech, I tried to practice it in my room, and I couldn’t do it. I was having panic attacks, because I just couldn’t spit anything out. Surprisingly, hitting myself in the head repeatedly and swearing wasn’t having any effect.

When speech time came, I was introduced by author Grace-Marie Turner (an extraordinarily nice woman), who told the crowd of 320 that I was some kind of TV star, because my WPRI bio mentions the little monthly “Here and Now” segments that I do. Basically, she set the bar really high for the crowd, which freaked me out even more. I think the key to being a good public speaker isn’t necessarily what you say, but actually believing you’re worthy of people paying $90 to see you speak. I’m certainly not there yet. Now, if they wanted me to talk about the Brewers for a half hour, I could have put on a show – although at points, it may have been profane.

But when I actually started talking, for some reason, it actually went smoother than when I practiced it beforehand. I threw in some so-so jokes, although I have to humbly admit that they’re probably better jokes than one normally hears at a convention of free market health advocates. Make the bar low enough, and I can usually leap it. I even got applause for one line, which I completely didn’t expect. After the speech, it was bizarre – I couldn’t walk ten feet without someone coming up to talk to me about health care. This was flattering, but I’m terrible at meeting new people, and it kind of weirded me out when I realized that people were actually kind of angling to come up and talk to me. After a half hour, I went up to my room and put on a baseball hat and glasses, hoping nobody would recognize me. Seemed to work well enough. There’s a good movie to be made about some delusional guy who thinks he’s famous because he gives speeches at think tank conventions.

After the speech, I stuck around for a couple more speeches, then snuck back to my room. For some reason, the internet connection and TV in my room wouldn’t work. So my big evening in Seattle consisted of going to the Tukwila Cinema to see Iron Man (awesome), and reading a book in the hotel bar. I just sat and read and drank beer until the words got blurry and I couldn’t really understand what it meant anymore. But strangely, throughout the night, the book got a lot thinner.

Sitting next to me at the bar was a couple who it seemed were just getting to know each other. Both divorced, both with kids. It didn’t occur to me how difficult it would be to start dating again when you’re divorced with children. Just so many trap doors to fall into. As if dating itself isn’t hard enough – dating with kids involved is like playing dodgeball with land mines. You could just hear the weariness in their voices as they tried to circumvent any topics that might evoke some horrible memory of their past marriage. Then I ate a club sandwich.

This morning, I got up and went to a little known local restaurant known as Denny’s for breakfast. It shocked me to see that the French Toast Slam is now almost eight bucks. As if there aren’t enough reasons to hate ethanol, the fact that the Moons Over My Hammy now costs as much as my mortgage payment should be the final straw.

I had some time before my flight to do some more sightseeing, so I wandered around the UW (the other one) campus for a couple hours. Their campus is beautiful – the walkways are bathed in dark evergreens. It’s another dreary, rainy day, but it would almost seem like I’d be getting cheated if it were any other way. Today is election day for their student government, so the kids were out handing out fliers like crazy. I actually walked right past Lorenzo Romar, the men’s basketball coach. I stopped by the bookstore and bought T-shirts for myself and a friend of mine. They actually sell anti-George W. Bush paraphernalia in their university bookstore.

I got back to the airport with plenty of time to spare, which was a good thing, since security took a while. I went through the whole bizarre ritual of taking off your shoes and belt and pants, then having to put them all back on after the metal detector. (Oh, wait – you don’t have to take your pants off?) This whole kabuki dance is a sight to behold – dozens of people simultaneously putting their belts and shoes back on. It’s like the end of some horrible group one-night stand gone bad.

I browsed around the magazines in one of the gift shops, and wondered, as I always do, exactly who buys Penthouse to take on a plane with them? Who on Earth can’t do without porn for a whole two-hour flight? (Four hours, MAYBE.) But just as I was pondering how someone could logistically view a money shot on a crowded flight, I looked over at the register, and sure enough – there was a guy walking out of the store with a magazine promising “100 Naked Beauties.” He was clutching it to his chest, trying to obscure its contents, but you could tell. I guess these days, you should almost give the guy credit. At least he was embarrassed about buying porn in an airport gift shop – that almost counts as chivalry in 2008.

So that leaves me here, sitting in the airport, plane delayed. A couple Brewer hats sprinkle the crowd, so you can tell where this plane is headed without even looking at the board. They just called for pre-boarding for people with “special needs.” There’s a guy wearing a Cubs hat in front of me and I refrain from joking to him that he should board now.