Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist

Month: April 2008 (page 1 of 3)

Family Safari in the Dells

April 30, 2008 / / 0 Comments

Last weekend, the fam and I did what any self-respecting family does when they want an exotic vacation in Wisconsin. We hit the Kalahari indoor water park in Wisconsin Dells.

At first, I was apprehensive about the trip, having never been before. If you don\’t like being places where there are a lot of people, it isn\’t exactly an upgrade to go places where there are a lot of people without shirts on. Add to that the fact that I realized I would actually have to be in a public place without a shirt on, which I\’m pretty sure I hadn\’t done since birth. (When shortly thereafter, my dad slapped a \”Baby for Sale\” t-shirt on me.)

After checking in, my kids immediately wanted to hit the water park. Right away, I noticed that there was a channel on the resort TV station that allowed you to watch the water park live from your room. Basically, a channel for lazy parents and perverts. Me being the former, I tried to beg out of going down to the park, but my wife exercised her substantial veto power (still constitutional, FYI) and made me go.

And I have to admit, I was glad she did. It really was a lot of fun. I decided to suck it up (or in, as the case may be) and go shirtless. I just tried not to look down at myself and to stand as close as I could to people fatter than me to make myself look slim by comparison.

Of course, finding large people in there wasn\’t exactly like finding a polar bear in the Serengeti. The Kalahari water park is a sea of pale, cellulosic, heavily tattooed flesh that should never see the light of day. Obese people with swim trunks clinging on for dear life. Teenage girls with tattoos that might as well say \”UNEMPLOYABLE.\” We actually saw some 12 and 13-year old girls with press-on tattoos on their lower backs. Starter tramp stamps, if you will.

Then again, I count myself among those that could probably stand to lose a few. It\’s pretty clear that the reason most of the people there can afford the hefty water park fee is because they haven\’t wasted their money on Jenny Craig.

In any event, my daughter demanded to go on all the scariest water rides. At four years old, she is fearless. When I screamed all the way through one of the rides, she lectured me on how I shouldn\’t be such a sissy.

My son greatly enjoyed stepping on the little fountains that spray out of the ground. My sister-in-law\’s boyfriend explained to me that when he was a lifeguard, it was common for kids to actually sit down on those fountains, unknowingly giving themselves an enema. They would then proceed to poop in the pool, as they couldn\’t control their bowels. Honest to God – he said they had to close the pool at least once a week when this happened.

I was able to sneak off occasionally to catch the Packers\’ draft – fortunately, I was able to see enough to recognize that the Packers are now set at the quarterback and wide receiver positions for the next 263 years.

My favorite ride had to be the one we affectionately called the \”toilet bowl,\” where you shoot directly down into this giant bowl and spin around a few times before it dumps you head first into the water 10 feet below. It\’s kind of like experiencing birth all over again.

At night, we toured the inside of the resort a little bit. I can say that the Kalahari isn\’t exactly the place you want to go if you\’re looking for decorative nuance. Every inch of that place is covered with paintings of elephants, cheetahs, giant tusks, and so on. The only thing missing is the malaria.

For some reason my son is absolutely enthralled by elevators, and the glass elevator there was his favorite yet. He loves pressing the buttons and getting in and out. So for him, the whole trip was going to visit the elevator, and there just happened to be a water park attached.

The biggest kick of the weekend that I got was in our hotel bathroom, where a small sign on the wall lectures you to re-use your towel, in order to conserve water and save the environment. This from a resort that cranks out hundreds of millions of gallons of chlorinated water for people\’s amusement, using up enough electricity to power Waukesha. That place\’s carbon footprint is probably the size of Nebraska. So pardon me if I would like a fresh towel. Thank you.

All in all, a successful trip. Got to spend my birthday with the whole family and have a good time doing so. Naturally, at times it seemed like my family was playing the \”who wants to be strangled first by daddy\” game, but fortunately nobody won.

Madison – the Apple of Jessica\’s Eye

April 30, 2008 / / 0 Comments

As the state\’s leading Albatomist, I have to pass on a story about my girl that actually has a local angle.

On Jessica Alba\’s only moderately legible blog, she confesses to being a big fan of the \”Apples to Apples\” board game. She was able to quit reading my blog just long enough to type the following with her perfect little fingers:

\”Been playing a lot of board games lately…apples to apples is a new favorite of mine. I know super cool right J\”

(As long as she teaches our child how to write a complete sentence, I think I might be able to put up with her assassination attempt of the English language.)

As many may know, Apples to Apples is the creation of Wisconsin-based Out of the Box Publishing, currently headquartered in Dodgeville. When you think about it, this is way bigger news than dopey Johnny Depp showing up in Wisconsin for 36 hours.

Consequently, I am offering to referee any kind of Apples to Apples worldwide competition, as long as my girl agrees to be there. Plus, there will be plenty of room on my futon in case she needs a place to crash. Unfortunately, I won\’t be able to join her, as my wife will be busy burying my dismembered body in the backyard after she finds out I made the offer.

The Great Campaign Finance Debate

April 29, 2008 / / 1 Comment

For the last couple of days, I\’ve been selling out arenas nationwide on the Pro-Corruption World Tour. Last night\’s stop included the Humanities building on the UW-Madison campus, where Common Cause held a debate on the merits of campaign finance reform. I debated Senators Mike Ellis and Jon Erpenbach, along with poor Gail Shea, who wasn\’t able to get a word in edgewise with all of our hot air taking up the time.

Here\’s how it went down:

Ellis and Sen. Jon Erpenbach, D-Middleton, said they hope to pass legislation that would limit the amount of money interest groups are allowed to spend on political campaigns. The bill would require disclosure by advertising groups on how much they are spending and where the funds come from.

Heck said legislation on campaign finance reform could easily pass, except legislative leaders are “philosophically opposed” to the idea and would not bring the issue to light.

But according to panelist Christian Schneider, a fellow at the Wisconsin Policy Research Institute, there is strong ground for opposition to Ellis and Erpenbach’s campaign finance reform because of the right to freedom of expression.

“If the First Amendment is meant for anything, it is to protect unpopular political opinions,” Schneider said. “It is condescending to voters to say, ‘You’re not smart enough to see through negative television advertisements.’”

Schneider added negative advertisements can bring harsh truths to light and often increase voter turnout by making voters more interested and invested in campaign issues.

However, Erpenbach and Ellis were quick to defend their campaign finance reform legislation from Schneider’s attacks.

“I do believe firmly in the First Amendment,” Erpenbach said. “I think everybody has the right to free speech — but you can’t go into a crowded theater and yell ‘fire.’”

Erpenbach added huge contributions collected by special interest groups can mute individual opposition voices.

But Ken Mayer, UW political science professor, questioned Erpenbach’s idea of campaign finance reform as a shield to defend the individual opposition voices.

“I’m a little uncomfortable with this idea of using government power to redistribute funds,” Mayer said. “There is no reason to punish those with more money.”

The Wispolitics.com account is here.

And despite my disagreements with virtually everyone in the room on this issue (except Mayer, apparently,) everyone was extremely welcoming and pleasant. In fact, they were so interested in what I had to say, they asked me every question during the crowd Q&A period.

From what I understand, video of the event will be available on WisconsinEye at some point. I\’ll post it when it goes up so you can see me spar with Ellis and Erpenbach.

SIDE NOTE: Ken Mayer as written some excellent pieces about campaign finance reform.  See \”\”Political Realities and Unintended Consequences: Why Campaign Finance Reform is Too Important to be Left to the Lawyers.\”

And:\”Do Public Funding Programs Enhance Electoral Competition?\”

I also have plenty to say as a follow-up to some of the details discussed at the forum.  I\’ll be posting those in the near future.

The Good ‘ol Days of Mudslinging

April 24, 2008 / / 0 Comments

Coming off another statewide campaign in which candidates and their supporters criticized each other bitterly, the usual calls for reforming our campaign finance system are underway. These “negative” attacks are so disturbing to editorial boards, the state’s two largest papers have actually proposed doing away with Supreme Court elections altogether. Apparently, the best way to protect the peoples’ interest is to make sure they have no say in who governs them.

Yet for all the people that think these races are too “negative,” it is instructive to go back and take a historical look at negativity in campaigning. In David Mark’s excellent book “Going Dirty: The Art of Negative Campaigning,” he details some of the most important races in American History, and the level of animus and dirty campaigning in each.

In the “good old” days, much of the campaigning was done by third parties, in the form of partisan newspapers. These are the very third parties campaign finance reformers now seek to shut out of the political discussion come election time, believing the only people allowed to have discussions about elections are the candidates themselves. Here’s a look at some of the campaign rhetoric in presidential races that actually determined the course of our nation:

Adams vs. Jefferson (1796)

The Federalists, led by John Adams, attacked Thomas Jefferson as an “Atheist,” “anarchist,” “demagogue,” “coward,” and “trickster,” and said that Jefferson’s followers were “cut-throats who walk in rags and sleep amid filth and vermin.”

Adams vs. Jefferson (1800)

Jefferson, who was Vice President (because at the time, the person who came in 2nd in the previous election earned the VP job) took Adams on again. Jefferson’s supporters tried to link Adams to George III, even starting a rumor that Adams intended to marry his son off to the daughter of George III and create an American dynasty under British rule. Adams’ supporters ripped Jefferson, calling him (the guy who wrote the Declaration of Independence, incidentally) “a mean-spirited, low-lived fellow, the son of a half-breed Indian squaw, sired by a Virginia mulatto father… raised wholly on hoe-cake made of coarse-ground Southern corn, bacon and hominy, with an occasional change of frecassed bullfrog.”

Andrew Jackson vs. John Quincy Adams (1828)

The two had run against each other in 1824, with Jackson winning the popular vote; yet three other candidates, including Adams, fractured the electoral votes to the point where deciding the election had to go to Congress. Adams then convinced Speaker of the House Henry Clay to engineer a vote to give him the presidency; three days later, Clay was given the secretary of state job in the Adams administration.

Incensed, Jackson spent the entire next four years attacking Adams. Jackson’s supporters called Adams “The Pimp,” based on a rumor about Adams coercing a young woman to have sex with a Russian Czar a decade earlier. Adams’ supporters countered with a cartoon of Jackson hanging a man in a noose, a reference to Jackson’s time spent executing Seminole Indian sympathizers. The cartoon’s caption read, “Jackson is to be president and you will be HANGED.”

The campaign also saw each candidate attack each others’ wives. Jackson’s supporters claimed that Louisa Adams was an illegitimate child that had been having sex with Adams before marriage. Adams’ supporters pointed out that Rachel Jackson married Andrew before her previous marriage had legally ended. After growing increasingly depressed, Rachel Jackson died several days after Jackson won the campaign, and Andrew never stopped blaming Adams for her death.

James Blaine vs. Grover Cleveland, 1884

Republican Blaine suffered attacks when he refused to distance himself from a Protestant minister’s anti-Catholic slurs, including that the Democrats were the party of “Rum, Romanism, and Rebellion.”

Cleveland was attacked for having hired a substitute to fight for him in the Civil war, a common practice for wealthy Northern men. Cleveland also faced attacks that he had fathered an illegitimate child, leaving to Blaine’s campaign slogan, “Ma, ma, where’s my pa?” Cleveland admitted that the child may be his, and paid child support until the boy was adopted by wealthy parents.

Keep in mind that in each of these examples, the Union was still in its infancy – so unlike the hyperbole in today’s campaigns, the future of the country truly was at stake. And yet, with all of this mudslinging and “misinformation,” voters made choices that crafted our fledgling democracy into the world’s gold standard for individual freedom. Compare that to the recent Wisconsin State Supreme Court race, where the suggestion that one candidate “tends to side with criminals” was covered as if it were an alien invasion, leading the news media to advocate shutting down elections altogether.

Interestingly, Mark points out that one of our founding documents is essentially an issue ad against British Royalty. While everyone remembers the towering rhetoric about all men being created equal and the promises of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, the Declaration of Independence is essentially a negative document that savages King George III of England as “unfit to be the ruler of free people.” According to the Declaration of Independence, “He (George) has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.” Basically, our nation was founded by a hit piece.

Campaign finance reformers will continue to harken back to the “good ‘ol days” where everyone got along and campaigns were run with dignity. Yet these days never existed, and never will. We have to continue to trust the voters to make choices that have built us into the world’s foremost democracy – and that includes trusting our citizens with the right to free political speech.

From My Keyboard to God’s Ears

April 23, 2008 / / 0 Comments

Yesterday, the U.S. Supreme Court held arguments on the so-called “Millionaire’s Amendment” section of the McCain-Feingold campaign finance law. The provision in question limits how much a candidate can spend on their own campaign, presumably to prevent them from being corrupted by… their own money.

During oral arguments, Justice Scalia ridiculed the notion that laws can somehow “level the playing field” for campaigns. Scalia sarcastically suggested we should next require that the more eloquent candidate talk with pebbles in his mouth, in order to guarantee more egalitarian elections.

If that sounds familiar, it’s because I made a very similar point in a column early this year. To wit:

For instance, we need to eliminate Barack Obama’s good looks from the equation. From now on, Obama should be forced to wear a ridiculous, bushy fake mustache when he gives speeches. We’ll see if women voters are as enthusiastic about his message of hope when he looks like Borat. (Although, admittedly, he might earn my vote if he did so.)

Next, we need to equalize the market for celebrity endorsements. When Chuck Norris endorses Mike Huckabee, every other candidate in the field will be assigned a taxpayer-financed washed-up action star to serve as their campaign spokesman. Jean-Claude Van Damme, we need your cell phone number – looks like John Edwards is cratering!

Under my plan, candidates will be barred from playing instruments while on the campaign trail. Everyone remembers Bill Clinton’s thrust in popularity after he played the saxophone on late night television. Mike Huckabee recently showed up on Jay Leno playing the bass guitar. (Less memorable was Steve Forbes’ performance of Black Sabbath’s “Paranoid” on the triangle.) Whether a candidate can play a few notes on an instrument doesn’t tell me what I need to know about their position on CAFTA.

Finally, we need to get rid of all these troublesome catchwords that seem to be getting people so excited. Obama should be limited to two uses of the word “hope” per speech. Huckabee should only be allowed to refer to God as “the man who lives in the clouds,” and will be limited to using the following joke, written by my four year-old daughter:

Q: “What did the fish say to the seaweed?”

A: “Fish can’t talk!”

All of these important reforms will give real people a chance to run for office. Real ugly, dull, uninformed people.

So since I don’t expect anyone else to toot my horn, I will take this opportunity to do it myself. Or, at least before Wisconsin amends its Constitution to ban tooting your own horn.

Why the closer is the most overrated player in baseball

April 23, 2008 / / 0 Comments

As much fun as it is to be right, it stinks to be proven correct when you predict a disaster for your favorite baseball team. Like most Crew fans, I cringed when GM Doug Melvin announced the Brewers would be paying washed-up, HGH scandal-tinged Eric Gagne the princely sum of $10 MILLION DOLLARS to be the team\’s closer this year.

Taking a step back, I cheered Melvin when he didn\’t cave into Francisco Cordero\’s ludicrous demand for a four-year $40 million+ contract. For a while there it looked like Melvin was going to wisely go against conventional wisdom and field a team without a highly-paid save specialist. Then he picks up Gagne (bad) for $10 million (worse) for only one year (thank God). But while it\’s obvious Gagne\’s signing was a bad idea, I hereby submit that paying any closer anything more than a poverty wage is a mistake.
\"\"
Without further ado, here are the reasons why the closer is the most-overrated man on the roster.

1. People wrongly assume the closer is important because he\’s the only player who enters a game to his own theme music like a pro wrestler. MLB needs to make a rule that if the home team\’s closer stalks out of the bullpen with \”Welcome to the Jungle\” or something similarly awesome heralding his arrival, he must endure a head-hanging walk to the dugout after a blown save while the sound guy plays something quiet and sad by a Lilith Fair artist.

\"\"
2. With apologies to Rollie Fingers and his mustache, the save is sort of a made-up statistic that wasn\’t even officially recorded until 1969. Look at all the ways a closer can \”earn\” a save. Sometimes a closer can throw one pitch and he\’ll show up in the box score next to the winning pitcher with an equally-important looking stat.
3. Starting pitchers and position players are way more important than closers. If a starting pitcher gives a team 7 quality innings in 30 games, that\’s about 200 innings of service. Closers typically pitch one inning per appearance. How many innings does the average closer pitch in each season? 70 innings in 70 games? By my calculation, your closer is about one-third the importance as one of your starting pitchers. And while a starting hurler can win for you every five games, a position player can win games for you every game. I will vomit with rage the day Prince or Braun leaves the Brewers for the Yankees saying, \”I woulda re-signed with Milwaukee but Doug Melvin gave my $10 million to a guy who doesn\’t even figure into the equation in half the games.\”

4. There is nothing so special about the ninth inning that you need to have one specific guy to pitch that inning. While the game may be \”on the line\” in a close game in the 9th, the game can also be \”on the line\” in the sixth inning of a 2-2 game if the bases are loaded with nobody out. It\’s easy to remember the closer\’s strike out that ends the game, but the other 26 outs recorded that game were important too.

\"\"

5. I\’ll take a reliever who offers a change of pace from the starter over some flame thrower. I don\’t remember what the Brewer paid Doug Jones when we had him at the end of his career, but he, his 70 mph fastball and his mustache saved 36 games in 1997. A closer is just another relief pitcher. Relief pitchers just need to chew up innings and throw strikes. Doug Jones threw strikes.

Thanks for sticking with me. That went longer than I expected. If you only take two things away from this post, remember this: 1.) closers are the most overrated players in baseball, but 2.) the most effective Brewer closers have sported outstanding mustaches.

Memo to Gagne and Turnbow, get in touch with these guys immediately!

Brewin\’ Up a Melting Pot

April 21, 2008 / / 0 Comments

So I know I\’m not supposed to be happy that the Brewers have four American-born African Americans on their roster. I\’m supposed to be color blind and root for them no matter what their heritage. But I have to admit, it is pretty cool. After all, the lack of home-grown black players in baseball seems to be a big deal to a lot of people, so anything that makes the Brewers notable in a good way is fine with me. And if it interests more African Americans in Brewer baseball, then better yet.

As it turns out, black players aren\’t the only multicultural selling point the Brewers have. Last year, Ryan Braun became the most notable Jewish player in baseball when he won the Rookie of the Year award. This year, he\’s joined by Gabe Kapler, who also happens to be a devout Jew. In \"\"fact, according to Kapler\’s Wikipedia page, he has a Star of David tattooed on one leg, with the inscription \”Strong Willed, Strong Minded\” in Hebrew, and the post-Holocaust motto \”Never Again\” with a flame and the dates of the Holocaust on the other.

(Apparently, the \”record\” for most Jewish players on the field at one time is four, in 1941. Kapler joined two other Jewish Boston Red Sox on the field in 2005. Apparently, someone keeps track of this.)

So, basically, it\’s pretty cool that the Brewers keep making strides in areas important to a lot of people. It\’s unknown whether the Crew has any gay players, but Eric Gagne spoke only French until he got to junior college, so that\’s probably close enough. And regardless of actual sexual preference, Kapler seems to be a big hit on gay sports sites, as pointed out by HeatherRadish.

In fact, speaking of ethnic identities and the Brewers, check out this question Tom Haudricourt received during his Brewer Mailbag today:

Q: Maurice of Milwaukee – Hi i\’m a african American who is a big Brewers fan? So here my question With six picks in the first two rouds what positions/Pitchers you think they will look at ?

A: Brewers Mailbag – Wow, it\’s way to early to project that stuff right now. They don\’t even get their first pick until No. 16, I believe. The draft board doesn\’t firm up until the final days before the draft. Check back then.

What in the hell does his question have to do with the fact that he\’s African-American? From now on, people in the Mailbag should identify themselves by race before asking Haudricourt a question:

Q: Hi, I\’m Saul, a Jew from Milwaukee. Why is Fielder batting fourth?

Other Brewers notes:

There\’s no doubt Ned Yost is doing an excellent job, given the team is 11-7 and still not hitting a lick. And I was one of the people ready to burn him at the stake after \”beanballgate\” last year.

Now, I concede that fans always tend towards being in favor of playing \”smallball.\” It gives them a chance to prove how much more they know about strategy than their manager. But it still seems like the Brewers botch an inordinate amount of chances to score runs in tight games. Of course, there are plenty of variables that we as fans don\’t know.

For instance, J.J. Hardy gets a leadoff single in the 9th yesterday in a 1-1 game. Ryan Braun is up. Maybe Braun is a terrible bunter – but it seems that would be a good time to move the runner over. (As it is, Braun walked, and Fielder hit into a double play behind him, and Corey Hart grounded out.) The same thing happened in the 10th inning – and the Brewers would have wasted a couple of runners had Edwin Encarnacion not booted a tailor made double play. It just seems like the people who advocate for a more station to station approach seem to be winning over Yost at this point.

***

It seems like Bill Hall would be a great guy to play with. And I\’m not saying that just because he\’s coming off a productive series. He\’s always encouraging his teammates, giving hi-fives, and never complained about being shuffled around on defense. Seems like the kind of guy you\’d want around.

***

I noticed that at one of the upcoming games, the Brewers are offering free prostate exams before the game. Come in, get checked, and get two free tickets. There are several problems with this:

First, once you realize what a prostate exam is, it sounds a lot less like a good idea. It ain\’t like getting your ears checked, folks. Although if I had the choice between having the doctor\’s arm halfway up my rectum or ever watching Derrick Turnbow pitch again, grab the rubber glove.

Secondly, what happens if you get checked and the doctor there actually finds something? One would think that the people getting free prostate exams at a Brewer game are the same people that might not have health insurance. So Bernie Brewer gives you an exam, tells you you have cancer, and gives you two free tickets. Off you go now. Enjoy the game.

***

Last year during a FOX game, Geoff Jenkins mentioned that Craig Counsell\’s nickname was \”The Grumpy Rooster.\” I demand that the announcers mention this every time Counsell steps to the plate.

***

Speaking of announcers, I think Bill Schroeder and Brian Anderson are outstanding. They are as good as the Bucks\’ Paschke and McGlocklin are unbearable. And that\’s saying a lot. I mean, seriously – if you were starting a franchise tomorrow, are Paschke and McGlocklin the two guys you\’re hiring from scratch? Of course not. But because of their history with the team, they lumber on from year to year to year, making watching games even more unbearable.

***

Except for the obvious exception (Gagne), the bullpen has been outstanding this year. Torres, Mota, and Riske have all been good. They\’re a big reason the team is 11-7. But that makes last year\’s season all the more hard to take. Because the team hit lights out last year, but still ended up fumbling away the season. Had the bullpen been merely bad, instead of execrable, the Brewers would have won the NL Central by 6 games. And yes, the fact that I\’m still sore about last year means I need some kind of counseling.

***

One camera shot into the dugout this weekend showed Ben Sheets hi-fiving some players after scoring a run. The Crew should hire a coach whose sole responsibility it is to make sure no other players come within 5 feet of sheets at any time. In the bathroom, there shouldn\’t be anyone within three stalls of him.

***

Two years ago, any team in baseball would have been envious of the Brewers\’ young crop of talent. Hardy, Weeks, Hall, and Fielder all looked like they had enormous potential. As it turns out, it looks like Hardy and Weeks may not turn into the stars we had once thought. They may certainly turn into decent players, but appears both might be headed for light-hitting middle infielder roles. If that\’s the case, Hardy\’s first half of the season last year may turn into one of the greatest statistical anomalies in Brewers history. (Slightly ahead of the year John Jaha played in 148 games, hit 34 home runs, and was only arrested for drunk driving three times.)

***

Gallardo\’s going to be an All-Star this year. Bank it.

POST MONDAY NIGHT UPDATE:

TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TU
RNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW!

(That would be the Brewer reliever carrying an artery-clogging 9 ERA. You know, the one who complained last week about being relegated to \”mop up\” duty? The one who Yost had to go to tonight despite carrying an unheard of 14 pitchers on his roster? Fortunately, Turnbow is now back to his regular role as Designated Game Blower. The world is right again.)

Truth in Advertising?

April 17, 2008 / / 0 Comments

Here\’s a look at the pro-Obama ad the service unions are running in Pennsylvania:

You need to a flashplayer enabled browser to view this YouTube video

Please tell me you happened to catch the bald guy with the big truck complaining that it costs him $75 to fill up his tank. The fact that he\’s driving a gas guzzler is supposed to make me sympathetic? Listen, man – maybe it wouldn\’t cost you $75 to fill up your tank if you had a smaller car.

Of course, as an advocate of free speech in campaigns, I believe SEIU has every right to air this ad, and it doesn\’t bother me a bit. But it doesn\’t mean others can\’t point out the lunacy in telling people that somehow Barack Obama is going to hold down gas prices. Exactly how is that going to happen? By taxing oil companies more? There actually isn\’t a better way on Earth to raise gas prices than to raise taxes on the companies that produce oil. Anyway, details.

There Won\’t Be Blood

April 16, 2008 / / 0 Comments

As many of you know (primarily because I won\’t shut up about it), the Virginia Tech Alumni Association sponsored a blood drive with The Blood Center today in honor of the victims of the April 16th, 2007 campus shootings.

At about noon today, I got a frantic e-mail from Todd, the president of the VTAA-WI. He said a TV reporter from a Milwaukee station was going to be down at the Wauwatosa Blood Center at 2:30, and he wanted to make sure people were there so it didn\’t look empty. I think everyone at home realizes that people were trickling in throughout the day, but I can appreciate a good visual, so I agreed to make the trip to do it. On the drive in, I prepared myself for the role of my life: \”Guy getting stuck with needle in background.\”

Let me state up front: I absolutely HATE needles. This is good for the times when I consider trying intravenous heroin, but bad for when I need to give blood. My Mom likes to tell a story about how it took three nurses to pry me off a door frame to get a shot when I was a kid. Plus, I once had a humiliating experience giving blood, which I will describe at the end of this post. But there\’s the setup.

I got to the Blood Center just in time. They handed me the stack of paperwork I had to fill out and sequestered me in one of their little offices, lest anyone catch a peek at my answers. (People would definitely want to cheat off me, since my answers were at least 80% accurate.) For the survey, it took me a while to calculate how many prostitutes I\’ve used in the last few years. I told the nurse there that I\’d need to look at my credit card statements to give them an accurate answer. (That\’s actually not true. Me and my prostitutes always use an Indian-style barter system, where they give me sex and I give them a raccoon hat.)*

While trying to recall how many intravenous drug using men from Cameroon I\’ve had sexual contact with, my phone buzzed. \”Chris, it\’s Todd. The TV guys called about an hour ago and they can\’t come. There was some explosion in Whitewater or something.\”

Great.

At this point, I have to forge ahead, lest I look like a royal d-bag. Plus, you know, giving blood helps people, and all that stuff. The lovely Bonnie came in and pricked my finger for a little blood appetizer. I was wondering exactly how many holes I was going to walk out of there with today.

We walked together to the main room, where Todd was sitting there, already hooked up. He seemed coherent, so I figured this wasn\’t going to be too bad. They sat me in the chair, and I made the obligatory jokes about how they might need a couple needles ready, in case my muscular arms kept bending them. They asked me how much I had to drink today, and I said about a fifth of Wild Turkey. (I actually really am this annoying in person, people.)

In went the needle, and I couldn\’t watch. After about 30 seconds of feeling like I was going to faint, I heard the most dangerous words a blood giver can hear: \”Uhhh… Donna? Can you come over here for a minute?\”

This, of course, meant something was awry and she needed help. I immediately guessed that they couldn\’t find a vein. My sharp mind deduced this from the fact that they were actually fishing around in my arm with the needle. I suddenly had become a pincushion with shoes. A very sad pincushion. But with very nice shoes.

After a few minutes of trying some \’ol crafty bloodletting tricks on me (putting the blood pressure pump thingy on me, getting me to squeeze a ball, leeches) they gave up. After wiping my tears away, the blood drawing technician told me that I should have had more to drink during the day before I came in. I told her that 8:30 AM Chris appreciated her advice.

She told me I had two options: A) We could call it a day and try it some other day, or…

\”I\’ll take A,\” I whimpered.

I walked into the waiting area, and Todd was there, smiling and drinking a water. I told him that there was no luck, since my blood ran cold with the revenge I would seek on him for making me do this. He looked at the scrolling news on the TV, and it said that there was nobody hurt at the explosion in Whitewater. So, ironically enough, if the TV reporter really wanted to see someone injured in an accident, he should have stuck with the Blood Drive story. He could see the carnage that was my left arm – it would have been a ratings blockbuster.

We chatted for a little while, and I considered telling him my dumb joke about prostitutes and filling out the forms. But I figured those kinds of jokes in a blood center were probably treated like jokes about bombs in airports. So I held off. His loss.

I wandered over to the cookies and juice staging area, and wondered what their policy is for unsuccessful blood givers. Sure, my blood was still safely in my circulatory system, but I was pretty thirsty. So I grabbed a Diet Coke and sprinted out of the place.

So, in sum, I drove three hours for a staged media event that never occurred, and my reward was that I got jabbed in my veins for no reason. It appears that I will be able to selfishly enjoy the delicious blood running through my veins all by myself. None for you, future motorcycle accident man.

On the plus side, they did say that a few people had come in or called about giving blood since the drive started. So even though I was a flop, we helped some other people down the road.

Oh, and I should explain my trepidation about giving blood in the first place:

After my freshman year at Tech, I was home for the summer. Having too much time on my hands, I decided to be a do-gooder and go to the Red Cross and give blood just because I thought I should actually do something good for mankind for a change.

A few weeks after I gave, a letter from the Red Cross showed up at my house. It said that my blood was unusable, since it was infected with something. Or, at least that\’s what I think my mom said it said, when she marched into my room crying, opened letter in hand.

Thinking I had contracted some kind of horrible sexual disease, my mother demanded to know all of my sexual activities up until age 19. Fortunately at the time, my list of sexual experiences was about as long as a list of \”Great Eskimo U.S. Presidents.\” But having to explain to your mother that you\’re a total loser is something I wouldn\’t wish on the inmates at Guantanamo. Alberto Gonzalez couldn\’t even justify that.

When I called the Red Cross for clarification (I thought it unlikely that I could contract anything from Cinemax), they just said that I probably had a mild cold or something when I gave. In other words, I wasn\’t dying. (Although after discussing my sex life with my mother, I kind of wish I had.)

So while I realize giving blood is a safe and useful thing to do, you can understand the trauma I have felt in my adult years about the process. On the positive side, if you need to tell someone they\’re dying of a killer STD, my mom is now available to do it for you.

—————————————————————

*-SIDE NOTE: So if you\’re caught publicly with a prostitute and decide to one day give blood, what do you do? Are you instantly disqualified? \”Sorry Mr. Spitzer, not today.\”

The Virginia Tech Shootings as Political Theater

April 16, 2008 / / 0 Comments

I will admit up front that I am extremely sensitive to groups using last year\’s tragic shooting at Virginia Tech as a platform to espouse their political beliefs. I don\’t think the Tech shootings make the case for or against gun control, and I bristle at attempts to use the tragedy for political advantage. That\’s why I went nuts on former Senate Majority Leader Judy Robson for using the shootings to push for more UW funding during state budget negotiations.

I was hoping to get through today\’s one year commemoration without having to address this, but it looks like the peaceniks are forcing my hand. Apparently, a group of peace activists is participating in a \”lie down\” in Milwaukee today to push for more gun control – and climbing over the graves of the Tech victims to make their point. State Representatives Jon Richards and Leon Young should be ashamed of themselves for taking part in this classless charade.

As mentioned in my last post, the Virginia Tech Alumni Association has organized a blood drive to commemorate the shootings. We thought this would be a much more positive way to recognize the dead than to have some sort of political demonstration. Naturally, the Journal Sentinel is on the spot to cover the demonstration, without any mention of our efforts, which were actually intended to help people.

I sent the following e-mail to Journal Sentinel reporter Linda Spice, to clarify some points in her Blog Post:

Linda:

As Vice President of the Virginia Tech Alumni Association – Wisconsin Chapter, I have a little problem with your weblog post about \”Milwaukee\” marking the Virginia Tech shooting anniversary. From the title of the post, one would think that the City of Milwaukee is somehow commemorating the shootings. Yet it appears that it is only a small group of peace demonstrators gathering to further their political cause, and using the shootings as a platform.

Furthermore, we here at the VTAA-WI chapter have organized a blood drive in commemoration of the shootings. Blood centers throughout Southeast Wisconsin are participating – details follow this e-mail. It is our hope that this method of remembrance actually helps people in need, rather than serving as a political demonstration.

Thank you,
Christian Schneider
Virginia Tech Alumni Association, Wisconsin Chapter

Here\’s a \”Here and Now\” segment I filmed last April, where I make essentially the same point about groups piggybacking their own cause on the shootings:

UPDATE: The Journal Sentinel has added an article about the VTAA-WI\’s blood drive effort. Thanks to Linda Spice for following up on this.

Here’s How You’re Going to Die

April 16, 2008 / / 1 Comment

A much-discussed graphic has surfaced on the internet, which graphically demonstrates the leading causes of death in the United States. It has come to be known as the “death spiral” chart. Apparently, it was originally developed by National Geographic magazine a few years ago to give people a visual representation of what they were most likely to die from.

Here it is:

The first thing I noticed was the “total odds of dying, any cause: 1 in 1.” Man, I need a better bookie.

Strangely, they also list “Air/Space Accident” on the list. How many deaths are attributable to “Space?” Does that count the aliens that come down to Earth to off us?

What I found most interesting about the graph is that the leading cause of death, heart disease, is also the most preventable. Study after study shows that eating right and exercise drops the risk of heart disease exponentially. Yet the threat of death doesn’t appear to be enough to scare people into living healthier lifestyles. That may be the true benefit of this graphic.

In Remembrance

April 15, 2008 / / 0 Comments

In remembrance of the April 16, 2007 shootings at Virginia Tech, the Virginia Tech Alumni Association – Wisconsin Chapter is sponsoring a blood drive this Wednesday. Details below:

As part of the Day of Remembrance activities scheduled for Thursday, April 16th, the Wisconsin Chapter of the Virginia Tech Alumni Association is partnering with the BloodCenter of Wisconsin to host a Virginia Techforlife Blood Drive at numerous locations throughout SE Wisconsin. Our blood drive is part of a broader campaign launched by Virginia Tech (under the VT Engage program) which has spurred alumni association blood drives across the nation throughout the month of April (and beyond).

Many of the victims of the Virginia Tech shootings needed immediate blood transfusions and are alive today because of blood donors like you. Help us honor those who were lost on April 16th by donating blood to save lives here in Wisconsin.

There is an immediate need for most blood types. To participate, simply schedule an appointment and donate at any one of the BloodCenter of Wisconsin’s donor centers. If you are unable to donate on April 16th, you can still donate through the end of the month and have your donation counted towards our Day of Remembrance campaign.

Call 1-877-BE-A-HERO (1-877-232-4376) to schedule your appointment. You can also find donor center information and schedule your appointment online at www.bcw.edu. When scheduling, please reference code #004256 to be registered under our Day of Remembrance campaign. We have designated the BloodCenter of Wisconsin in Wauwatosa (next to Children\’s Hospital & Froedert) as our primary donation center, however donations can be made at any of the other 11 centers located in Milwaukee, Waukesha, Kenosha, Brown Deer, Greenfield, La Crosse, Manitowoc, Marshfield, Racine, Sheboygan, and West Bend.

Every two seconds someone in the United States needs blood, and more than 38,000 blood donations are needed on a daily basis. Every single donation can save up to three lives!

PLEASE SIGN-UP TODAY!

Note: For those that don\’t have a BloodCenter of Wisconsin donation center in your area, please reach out to the American Red Cross (ARC) or any other blood donation center to donate. The ARC is working with VT on other campaigns across the country, and welcomes your donation as part of the Virginia Techforlife campaign. Additional information will be sent via email next week — if we are able to establish other donation sites elsewhere in Wisconsin, we\’ll include that information in the subsequent update.

Thank you,

Wisconsin Chapter – VT Alumni Association

Scalia Hath Spoken

April 15, 2008 / / 0 Comments

This weekend, I happened to catch a question and answer session Justice Antonin Scalia did with local D.C. area high school students. Naturally, it is outstanding. For those of us Scalia enthusiasts, it is like mainlining heroin for an hour.

You can watch it here.

SIDE NOTE: The high school kids are from Thomas Jefferson High in Northern Virginia, which is a public school for geniuses. One of my best friends growing up went there, and TJ was in our conference for sports. I actually once went 2 for 2 with 2 doubles against them in a high school baseball game. This isn\’t relevant in any way, but I rarely played, so it\’s my one chance to brag.

Appetite for Replication

April 15, 2008 / / 0 Comments

For those of you looking to get in on the Guns n\’ Roses tribute band phenomenon, look no more. I received the following e-mail last week:

\”Nearly five years ago, Guns N Roses cover band Mr. Brownstone stormed into Madison to deliver it\’s first blistering Halloween performance. In July 2007, a second GNR cover band named Paradise City played the Club Tavern, which according to a blog commenter (who must be the little brother of a band member) was \”at capacity.\”

Thus, \”Mr. Brownstone v. Paradise City\” displaced \”Roe v. Wade\” as the new national debate that dominated the public discourse…until now.

In a development that could completely change the \”Mr. B v. PC\” dynamic, a third GNR cover band has emerged and it will be playing in Madison on April 17th. \”Appetite for Destruction\” will be rocking the Majestic on Thursday, April 17th. (Doors open at 7:30. Show starts at 8:30. $10.)

Judging by their website, these guys tour all over and this is more than just a hobby for them.

Consider this: there are twelve songs on the album Appetite for Destruction. Mr. Brownstone and Paradise City are two of them. Could it be possible that a band that has named itself after the whole album is twelve times better than the other bands named after only one song? After rigorous statistical analysis, the answer is: probably.

Anyway, even if they stink, you wouldn\’t want to miss the beer-fueled audience mayhem that accompanies a GNR cover band show.

– W. Axl

The King of All (Public) Media

April 12, 2008 / / 0 Comments

I appeared on the \”Here and Now\” show this week to discuss the new Wisconsin Government Accountability Board\’s actions with regard to campaign advertising. Before clicking on the video below, be warned: it might take a couple viewings to figure out exactly what happens. Be prepared to say: \”Did he just do what I think he did?\”

Oh yes. He did.

You need to a flashplayer enabled browser to view this YouTube video

When the State Legislature finally decides to completely de-fund Wisconsin Public Television, this video clip will likely be the final nail in the coffin.

Also, yesterday I participated in a Milwaukee Public Television roundtable discussion about Wisconsin\’s tax level. It will air on the \”4th Street Forum\” show at the convenient times of 10 PM on Friday night on Channel 10, and at 3 PM on Sunday afternoon on Channel 36. Video will be made available online via podcast at some point, so I will link to that when it goes up.

« Older posts

© 2024 Christian Schneider

Follow me at Mastodon