I know, I know – we\’re not in a recession yet. But I have pinpointed the reason why the economy might be slowing down. I lay the blame squarely on the shoulders of actor Adrien Brody.
You may have seen Brody in his various movies
, including his Oscar winning role in \”The Pianist.\” He can most recently be seen in the snoozefest \”The Darjeeling Limited.\” (Random fact: Brody is 13 days older than I am.)
There\’s no easy way to put this, so I\’ll be direct. Adrien Brody doesn\’t have what you would consider \”typical\” leading man looks. In fact, it was a mistake casting him in \”King Kong,\” since his nose made the monkey look small by comparison. He\’s gaunt and greasy, yet for some reason women find him alluring. (Apparently, he was #21 on VH1\’s \”100 Hottest Hotties.\”)
For ugly white guys, Brody\’s presence in movies is a breakthrough. He\’s like the Jackie Robinson of the ugly. If they ever made a live action film about Heckyll and Jeckyll, he wouldn\’t need any makeup. But the guy triggers more ovulation cycles than Clomid.
But this has the chance to cause all kinds of problems with the economy. Suppose us ugly guys get all cocky about Brody\’s success. Suddenly, we all think we have movie star looks – fat guys, bald guys, short guys. All of a sudden we\’ll lose all motivation to do the things that we do to overcompensate for those shortcomings. We\’ll stop buying expensive cars to distract women from our baldness. We won\’t work as hard to accumulate wealth in order to coerce the ladies into thinking we\’re worthwhile. The price of beard hair coloring dye will reach $100 a barrel, causing a national crisis in ugliness. We won\’t start new businesses and hire more guys with excessive nose hair looking to make money. The ugly market will implode.
In order to stop this madness, Congress needs to take action immediately and sequester Adrien Brody. Stick him in the undisclosed bunker with Dick Cheney. Furthermore, we need to elect Mitt Romney president, in order to restore the proper level of handsomeness to the White House.