Lodi, Wisconsin (AP) – The much anticipated race for Wisconsin Klan Grand Dragon between Orville Hornblower and Herbert \”Stumpy\” Williams has turned into a contentious race, with each candidate accusing the other of not being sufficiently culturally ignorant.
In a race littered with charges, counter-charges, and broken English, Hornblower has vowed to take a hard line stance, while Stumpy has pitched himself as practicing a more family friendly brand of racial and religious hatred.
Williams introduced his four part\”compassionate racism\” platform to appeal to middle of the road Klansmen. \”Under my plan, we would give people at least 60 seconds\’ notice before we torch their house,\” said Williams, who also vowed that biracial residents would only be harassed every other week.
Williams emphasized personal responsibility and a good work ethic. \”I once lost a job down at the grain mill to a colored fella,\” said Williams. \”I didn\’t get mad, though. It just made me work that much harder to burn his house down,\” he said.
Williams believes he can find an audience by bringing racism home to the average American. \”You know how when you\’re at the grocery store and you really want a bag of Ruffles potato chips, and there\’s only one bag left, and somebody grabs it right out from under your nose, even though you saw it first? It\’s just like that, except the potato chips are taken by the blacks, Jews, and Catholics,\” said Williams.
Meanwhile, Hornblower has called Williams a RINO (Racist in Name Only), and promised voters that he will reward them with truly vitriolic hatred of people of different religions and skin colors. \”Racism really is a growth industry,\” said Hornblower. \”There are Armenians, Greeks, Brazilians… groups out there that we really have never thought about hating before. Hatred really can be a limitless endeavor under the right guidance,\” said Hornblower. He also said he has evidence that Williams\’ great aunt once got a footrub from an Eskimo.
Both candidates agreed, however, that images of black men and white women together should not be condemned. \”Naw, that\’s too hard core for me,\” said Hornblower. \”Anybody that\’s uncomfortable with a public image depicting interracial affection is a little too extreme for the Klan,\” said Williams.
Record turnout for the election is expected, but only if Hornblower gets his cocker spaniel to vote. Last year, the vote was tied 1-1, but Williams was disqualified, as he failed to spell his name correctly on the ballot. \”I got a third grade education, and I ain\’t afraid to show it off,\” said Hornblower.