Wow – from Wispolitics.com:

– Republican Scott Walker plans to withdraw from the governor’s race and plans to throw his support behind GOP rival Mark Green, according to a top GOP source. See more in the right-hand column at www.wispolitics.com

The original Milwaukee Journal Sentinel article is here.

Let’s see – the chair of the national Republican Party, Ken Mehlman, tours the state on Thursday, and Walker drops out on Friday – think a discussion was had between Walker and the big shots? The GOP is desperate to have a Republican Governor in Wisconsin in 2008 to help organize support for whomever might be their presidential nominee. It only made sense that they thought Walker was in the way of a strong Green challenge to Doyle.

Walker was a good candidate and will move on to higher office in some capacity. Best of luck to him. Hopefully, the party will take care of him in his next endeavor in exchange for gracefully bowing out now. Here’s his statement.

The aggressive tactics he started a few weeks ago signaled that he was in need of a Hail-Mary. He must have looked at his polling and tried to take one more big shot, and when those fell flat, it was probably the end.

And while this is bad news for Walker, it is great news for Republicans. In fact, Walker and Jim Doyle are the big losers today. Doyle is now looking squarely down the barrel of a multi-million dollar Green war chest and sagging approval ratings that rival Billy Packer’s. The cannons can turn on him now, as opposed to September. Not even the fundraising prowess of his toupee can get him out of this.

Now we can get on to discussing the issues that the public is really interested in – like whether Green’s campaign manager likes Limp Bizkit or not. Or whether he once went to a Bucks game.

Normally, I’d try to post something for the weekend, but Duke and Gonzaga taking a flamethrower to my NCAA bracket has me dispirited. I actually fell to my knees and wept as Gonzaga melted down.

So everyone have a good weekend.

Love,

Denny-o

I’ll take Jay Bullock for the block, Whoopi…

Pretty sure he’s never heard that one before.

You’re awake at 2 AM, and occasionally flip away from Showtime during the “uninteresting” parts of what you’re watching (otherwise known as the parts with “dialogue.”) In between ads for 1-900-HOT-LOVE (my home number, coincidentally), you see an opportunity to advance your education. Maybe it’s DeVry, maybe it’s ITT Tech, maybe it’s a cosmetology college. Now you feel like a sucker after you wasted six years of college, knowing that you could have an exciting career in audio/visual production in, like, 36 minutes.

Believe it or not, these schools are actually regulated by the state. Every year the Wisconsin Educational Approval Board releases its Directory of Private Postsecondary Schools, which provides a complete list of schools you normally don’t think anyone actually attends. As funny as some of them are, they are essential to getting people to work and provide great services to people with jobs who are looking to further their education. They include cosmetology schools, technology schools, auto repair, graphic design, accounting, health care training, and other necessary professional training.

That doesn’t mean, however, that some of them aren’t funny. Here are the schools, the writeups they provide in the directory, and my smartass comments:

Institute of Equine Therasage (p. 68)

The Institute of Equine Therasage is a 60-hour equine sports massage therapy certification program. This specialized course provides the education needed to help horses compete at their full potential. Our concept of what preventative maintenance massage therapy should be revolves around the horse as a whole. We have combined many unique methods of hands-on stretches, touch therapy, massage, and exercise mechanics with in-depth anatomy to create an outstanding program.

I had to think about this one for a second before I realized that it was you giving the horse the massage and not the other way around. I mean, seriously – the dropout rate in Milwaukee public schools is 50%, but we have schools to teach me how to massage horses? Isn’t this why Al-Qaeda hates us?

Unfortunately, I had them in my Sweet 16.

John Robert Powers (p. 82)

John Robert Powers is committed to providing professional training for persons aspiring to explore or enter a career in film, television, print or runway modeling… Integral to the educational process at John Robert Powers is an emphasis on growing the character, maturity, and integrity needed for the demands of a career in the performing arts.

Yeah, if there’s anything actors and models are known for it is the “character,” “maturity,” and “integrity” with which the deal with the “demands” of their careers. Some sample classes:

Week one: The proper way to hit your assistant in the face with a cell phone
Week two: Why is Robert Downey, Jr. in my house?
Week three: Lab work on Colin Farrell’s STDs
Week four: Convincing denials about why your nose is bleeding

Bottom line: You have a better chance of making it on TV by running onto the field and dropping a deuce on second base at a Brewer game than by attending John Robert Powers.

Sister Rosalind Gefre School of Professional Massage (p. 146)

Sister Rosalind Gefre Schools and Clinics of Professional Massage is based on Christian principles and seeks to work in harmony with God’s plan for spiritual, psychological, and physical well being. Our mission is to promote the healing of the body, mind, and spirit through touch following Jesus’ example.

My favorite one. Ah, the soothing touch of the Hand of God. Who can forget the Biblical passage when Jesus turned water into wine, turned bread into fish, and provided deep muscle massages for the poor?

I seem to recall the legendary Biblical story when the small, coughing poor child tugs on Jesus’ leg and says:

“Jesus, my father is a leper. And my brother has no legs. And I have this terrible stiffness in my neck that could use a little work. Can you help us?”

Martin’s College of Cosmetology (p. 92)

The purpose of Martin’s College of Cosmetology is to educate, motivate, and mold students into successful, happy professionals in the fields of cosmetology and massage therapy. The Massage Therapy program at Martin’s provides students with the skills and confidence needed to become competent massage therapists.

Because you wouldn’t want to walk into a massage and see the masseuse cowering in the corner, shaking, because he’s lost his confidence. And you can see they really aim high here – their goal is to promote “competent” therapists. What do you have to do to fail? Perform a massage with ranch dressing?

Midwest College of Oriental Medicine (p. 93)

Are you allowed to say “oriental” anymore? Isn’t this considered racist now? Isn’t it hard to perform acupucture with a white hood on?

Midwest Power Yoga School (p. 96)

The mission of the Midwest Power Yoga School is to help each student broaden her/his knowledge of yoga and to like his/her personal yoga practice and life outlook to a new level. The Midwest Power Yoga Teacher Certificate program will give individuals the tools, hands-on experience, and confidence needed to teach a dynamic and challenging (physically and mentally) power vinyasa yoga class teaching in the tradition of Baron Baptiste.

“Mentally challenging” power yoga? Are they asking you to recite the Pythagorean Theorem while you wrap your leg around your head? When Ivy League researchers working on the mystery of cold fusion get stumped, do they call the Midwest Power Yoga School for tips?

Milwaukee School of Massage (p. 102)

The mission of the Milwaukee School of Massage is to prepare students for a satisfying and sustaining career in massage and to make the health and spiritual benefits of massage available to a wider audience.

Distinctive features of the Milwaukee School of Massage are…

- Unique and fluid curriculum design. We teach the anatomy in bite-size pieces. For instance, we will teach the cranial and facial bones, then the muscles that provide facial expression and mastication. This is then followed with the instruction in face massage. The face massage sequence competency is then satisfied by performing the sequence on the instructor. The physiology is taught in tandem with the massage or protocol it influences. An example is the circulatory, respiratory, and lymph systems are taught prior to instruction of the lymph massage.

- Introduction to a broad variety of bodywork therapies such as Foot Reflexology, Orthobionomy, Reiki, Benevolent Touch, Neuromuscular Therapy, Craniosacral Therapy, Myofacial Therapy, Infant Massage, Chair Massage and Lymph Massage, and Swedish Massage Therapy.

Jesus Christ, lady – I just want a massage. If I’m tense and I hear talk of “mastication,” I think I’d just rather have a brownie and ride it out.

And what’s with “infant massage?” I’d like to hear my wife pitch this one to me – “Um, honey – little Kabeer is awfully stressed out these days – he’s really been feeling guilty that his poops haven’t been inadequately solid. He could really use some ‘me time.’”

St. Croix Culinary Institute (p. 149)

The mission of St. Croix Culinary Institute is to provide in-depth, intense course of classical culinary preparation. Our curriculum is based on the tenets of classical French cuisine and is designed to prepare candidates to become chefs and pastry chefs for the culinary world…
The course is demanding and hands-on.

Imagine that – a cooking school that is “hands on.” Is there some other part of the body other schools teach their chefs to use? Have I been eating croissants rolled with someone’s feet all this time and just not known? That reminds of a joke about how one chef made donut holes… never mind.

Also, it’s good to see that they state clearly that they intend to prepare students to become chefs. You mean you don’t go to culinary school to become a motor scooter mechanic?

Adelman Travel Academy (p. 1)

Yes, you too can learn how to purchase your own lucrative state contracts with campaign contributions.

Hypnosis & Wellness Training Center (p. 63)

First class: Introduction to hypnotism
Second class: Why is my wallet empty?
Third class: When do classes start again?
Fourth class: Why is my wallet empty?

NASCAR Technical Institute (p. 110)

NASCAR Technical Institute (NTI) is owned by Universal Technical Institute, Inc., and was founded in 1999 following completion of an agreement with NASCAR to provide quality entry-level technicians to NASCAR and related automotive industry companies.

I see some cross promotional potential here: Can’t they team NASCAR school up with the Professional Institute of Dental Assisting? If you’re looking for people that need free dental work, doesn’t the NASCAR community immediately come to mind?

Alignment Yoga (p. 2)

Alignment Yoga’s Advanced Studies Program offers a comprehensive training in the practice of Hatha Yoga. Yoga is a study of body, mind and spirit, and the Advanced Studies Program provides a well-rounded exploration of all aspects. Guest lecturers from India share the richness of yoga’s spiritual underpinnings, while readings are selected to challenge and expand our understanding of yoga and the world around us.

I hear they take this India theme pretty far. In fact, as a class requirement, you have to steal the job of an American worker for a week and fix Dell computers over the phone for 38 cents an hour.

Wisconsin Institute of Natural Wellness (p. 175)

Wisconsin Institute of Natural Wellness (WINW) in Racine, Wisconsin, is a non-profit organization offering Professional Certification in Massage Therapy… We are committed to providing quality, professional education in massage therapy and an overview of other modalities of complimentary healthcare in order to insure that graduates will offer effective, compassionate and ethical treatment to those seeking holistic wellness.

What is “ethical treatment” of those seeking holistic wellness? Does this mean you can’t shock their nipples, shave their head, cake their face with mascara and force them to date a monkey? Should PETA get involved?

Wick Insurance Services (p. 176)

It is the goal of Wick Insurance Services to work with students, in teaching the necessary material to enable the student to be ready to take and pass the required state insurance exam. The school works in a friendly classroom environment, equipped with visual aids such as overhead projectors and easel presentations.

I clearly remember having the following conversation with my Dad when deciding to go to college:

Dad: “So, Dennis – is it going to be Dartmouth or Brown?”

Me: “Who did you say had more easels again?”

And finally, the grandaddy of them all:

Wisconsin School of Chainsaw Carving (p. 179)

The purpose of the Wisconsin School of Chainsaw Carving is to teach students professional techniques and methods of carving in order for them to do high-quality chainsaw sculptures. Our goal is to raise the standard of chainsaw sculptures from one of a crude art form to one of a refined piece of art.

Who cares if their summary doesn’t make a damn bit of sense? How great is this school? In fact, you can check out their website at www.chainsawcarvingschool.com. I was all set to make fun of the school, but it’s actually something that Wisconsin should be proud of. It’s the only chainsaw carving school currently in the U.S. – take that, Arkansas!

Their website boasts that they provide “In depth Chainsaw Carving Training for the career oriented student.” Somehow, I don’t think the words “career” and “chainsaw carving” probably belong in the same sentence.

But they seem like a really nice family with a good organization. Check out the course catalog here. I would think the schedule of classes would look something like this:

Cutting Wood with a Chainsaw 101
Cutting Wood with a Chainsaw 102
Cutting Wood with a Chainsaw 103
Cutting Wood with a Chainsaw 203 (Doctoral Level)

Who needs the UW System? Shouldn’t we stop bragging about stem cells and start telling the world that we can turn logs into bear sculpures?

I’m sorry – I just had to see if I could type those two words together without laughing. I was unsuccesful.

After taking a rest from break dancing practice today, I wandered onto the internet and read this editorial, entitled “My Gay Marriage,” by Amanda Seligman. At first, I thought I had wandered on to the website of some support group for crazy people, but further checking verified that it was, in fact, printed in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.

I can’t remember the Journal Sentinel editorial page containing a column so unhinged. Can you imagine the chances of a column this ridiculously incoherent being printed if it was someone writing to the MJS in favor of, say, concealed carry or the death penalty?

The editorial begins:

I am a woman married to a man, and I am starting to get embarrassed about it.

As official spokesman for heterosexual marriage, Amanda, let me be the first to say – you embarrass us, too. It continues:

When I got married seven years ago, there were two things that I wanted for my wedding. First, I wanted kids there. Second, I wanted my wedding to be one that counted no less, and no more than, the unions that gay men and lesbian women celebrate with their partners.

I gave serious thought to not getting legally married, even though I knew that my fiancé was the person I wanted to grow old with. I did not want to participate in an institution that discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation.
As a white woman, I would never be willing to join a club that rejected people of color. How could I, in good conscience, marry a man when I would be unable to marry my partner if it turned out I loved a woman instead?

What? First of all, you know she’s lying because there isn’t a woman in America that wants children to be at her wedding. They cry, they poop, and they disrupt. And where was she going to get these children? Just go around to the orphanges and round them up?

So she clearly doesn’t like the fact that gay marriage already appears to be illegal. And she wants to keep her options open in case she gets all Ann Heche on us and decides she wants to play for the other team. And she thinks that heterosexual marriage is… somehow… invalid… because gay marriage is invalid? Whatever semantic gymnastics she thinks she has to go through to make herself seem more tolerant, than so be it.

I hope she takes a similar stand with regard to suffrage and refuses to vote because felons aren’t allowed to vote in Wisconsin. Fight the power, Mandy.

This is an extreme argument, even for gay rights proponents. The most extreme argument you generally hear is that the constitutional amendment is mean spirited because gay marriage is already illegal in Wisconsin. In fact, I believe a bill has been introduced in the state legislature to go the other way and legalize same sex marriages – I would love for John Gard to bring that bill up for a vote and watch it go down by a 94-5 vote. Amanda Seligman would be on the short end of that one – even the gay Teletubby would be like, “that honky’s crazy.”

My favorite part, though, is when she caps the whole column off with this statement:

Did I make a moral mistake in getting married to the man I love? I am starting to wonder if perhaps I did.

It might come as a surprise to her that her husband is now drafting up a document titled “My Gay Divorce Papers.”

Side Note: A friend of mine said, “If I were married to this woman, you would be reading ‘My Gay Suicide Note.’”

I read this article with amusement, as it describes how much the state is paying Silver Oak Solutions to find ways to save money (like the $27.6 million computer program Silver Oak/CGI-AMS recommended that has never worked).

It reminds me of the day I finally agreed to meet with a financial advisor, at the request of my wife. After shelling out $150 for his services, I looked at my wife and told her “the first piece of money saving advice any financial advisor should give you is: never hire a financial advisor.”

I was reading some past articles from the Wisconsin State Journal and ran into this editorial from Susan Lampert Smith from March 11th. It attempts to describe what Wisconsin’s abortion law would be if Roe v. Wade were to be overturned.

It begins in typical fashion, comparing Wisconsin to North Dakota, then this paragraph appears:

On Wednesday at the state Capitol, Rep. Terese Berceau introduced a bill to take Wisconsin’s old abortion law off the books. The Madison Democrat’s bill stands about the same chances as an ice cream cone in the Dakota Badlands in August. Republicans control both houses of the Legislature and, for the most part, Wisconsin Right to Life and Pro-Life Wisconsin own them.

This is a common canard often used by the lazy left – that somehow since most legislators are pro-life, that they are somehow “owned” by the pro-life groups. Madison’s repository of hot air, Neil Heinen, has made the same charge on one of his gag-inducing editorials. People that have even a cursory knowledge of the legislature, however, know better.

Pro-Life Wisconsin is a group that only supports candidates that are 100% pro-life. That means they’re pro-life without any exceptions. Not for rape or incest, not for the life of the mother, not even if the baby is likely to look like me.

According to Pro-Life Wisconsin’s numbers, 23 Assembly members received the endorsement of the Pro-Life Wisconsin Victory Fund Political Action Committee in 2004. Add that to senators who have been endorsed in the past (Grothman, Kapanke, Leibham, Reynolds, Kedzie, Fitzgerald, Lazich – Zien’s was revoked), and that gives you 30 total legislators who have been endorsed by Pro-Life Wisconsin. Thirty out of 132 legislators (or, 22% of all legislators) apparently is enough to “own” the Legislature.

Wisconsin Right to Life is slightly different. They endorse a lot more people, as they accept exceptions for abortions. But they, like Pro-Life Wisconsin, don’t give much money during campaigns. They are good for lists and votes, not money. In fact, candidates actually have to pay them to use their list to mail literature, because their membership is such a good target audience. If you have a legislator that is already pro-life, they will pay for the records so they can tell the pro-lifers in district that they agree with them. If you were going to make a list of the top 50 groups that “own” legislators based on campaign contributions, WRTL might not even crack that list.

Imagine that – a group that tries to keep their members involved in the political process. Aren’t all the lefties for more public participation? Or are they only for public participation as dictated by editorial boards all over the state?

In any event, you can’t swing a cat in Madison without hitting some sloppy liberal who makes that charge that somehow the Legislature is “owned” by the pro-life groups (I tried, and I took three out with my cat). You would just expect a little more intellect from someone who is given a column in the local paper.

I actually tried to keep a straight face when writing that last sentence, really.

Since I couldn’t go to the Blogger Summit, I have relied on everyone else’s accounts of what happened to get the feel of the crowd. My favorite line from a summary, though, was this from James Wigderson:

Apparently the aforemention Journal Sentinel spokesperson was Mandy Jenkins, their experiment in blogging. She should complain about her photograph in the newspaper.

My male readers don’t need a translation for that – but for the one or two women that put down the crack pipe long enough to stumble to this site, it politely means:

She’s hot.

So I had to investigate (incidentally, I consider this “journalism,” which probably proves the point she was trying to make at the summit.)

I came up with this picture from her Kent State days, (entitled mandygigglymess.jpg). So I hope that does it for ya, James.

That is, of course, unless she is this Mandy Jenkins, A.K.A. “Miss Rodeo Arizona 2004.”

UPDATE: A reason she may have rubbed the audience the wrong way – according to this post, she was up until 3 AM that morning boozing for St. Patrick’s Day. A mere 8 hours later, she had to be sober and at a meeting with a roomful of bloggers.

Plus, her boyfriend sounds like my kind of guy – giving her phone number to crazy people? Solid.

Spivak and Bice believe they have hit on something with this Newsday report on bloggers trying to get into the print media. I have one message for bloggers who have the audacity to try to move into the mainstream media:

Go for it, homeys.

Hey, I like blogging as much as anyone, but I’d write for anyone at anytime that wants to pay me. I don’t care if it’s writing for the back of soup cans – I’m game. I’d even drop the whole anonymity schtick. Pay me, and you can have my name, address, social security number and explicit personal information on all the women who refused to date me over the years.

The following would appear on my resume:

-Unable to cook for self, once ate five frozen pizzas in three days while wife was away on business.

-Universally loved by dogs

-Author of 189 blog posts, over 5 of which are good.

-Can play Radiohead’s “Karma Police” on the guitar, but not all at once.

-Good with magnets.

In unexpected news that spread shock waves through all eight members of the Wisconsin blogosphere, famous blogger Dennis Pork was found dead this evening after celebrating his 2005 “Blog of the Year” award from Wispolitics.com. Pork, who was known for having addictions to alcohol and Carmex, partied through the night with loose female puppets and Michael Irvin before being found early this morning.

Pork had just finished giving his acceptance speech, in which he said:

Hello everyone and thank you. This is Dennis Pork, the alter ego of the guy whose hand is currently up my rear end. In fact I think this violates the gay marriage ban, and I’m calling the cops.

Thank you all for attending this Blog Conference. I’m glad all of your parents could give you a ride down here for this momentous event. I mean, a blogging conference – I haven’t seen this many white people excited since the last Fleetwood Mac reunion.

In all seriousness, though, thanks to Wispolitics for the award and for all the support I have gotten from the blogosphere while getting my blog up and running. Special thanks to Charlie Sykes, Bill Christofferson and Jessica McBride for exposing my blog to their audiences. And special thanks to the guys who have been doing this a lot longer and better than I have – the true pioneers of the Cheddarsphere.

If I had one challenge for blogs in Wisconsin, though, it is to try to push yourselves to do more and more of your own writing. You all have a lot of talent – and I want to know more about what you think and what you feel. With all due respect, if I want to know what Charlie thinks about something, I’ll go visit his site. Send me to sites I wouldn’t normally visit – touch on topics that I may not know about. Most importantly, keep writing and get your friends to start a blog. The more voices in the Wisconsin marketplace of ideas, the better.

I can’t wait to read what the bloggers have to say about this conference. And for the record, if you are blogging about a conference about blogging, send me your e-mail address so I can send you a picture ofwhat a naked woman looks like. I hear those are available on the internet now. Again, thank you for the award and for the great work that everyone here does.

“This is a tragedy of epic proportions,” said famous blogger Jessica McBride, adding, “In the end, though, it was clearly the mainstream media (MSM) that killed Dennis.” Conference participant Ed Garvey tearfully said, “who is going to be around to point out the indisputable fact that I have my head up my ass?”

The cause of death is officially being listed as death by overdose, but police are still looking for the whereabouts of a Mr. Owen Robinson of West Bend, Wisconsin. Word is, he has been impossible to track down these last couple of weeks, appearing on television, radio, in the newspaper, and as Epstein in the “Welcome Back Kotter” reunion that aired last Friday.

Pork will be remembered in a service held tomorrow at TGI Friday’s, where he will be slathered in barbeque sauce and guests will be able to partake in eating his ribs. Only contributions of cole slaw are being accepted.

As is the case with any red-blooded American, my life screeches to a halt during the NCAA tournament. By Monday, I may have forgotten that I am married with a kid. So that explains the lack of blogging over the past couple of days (although me blogging about not blogging counts as blogging, doesn’t it? Someone get Descartes on the phone – blogito ergo sum).

So everyone have fun this weekend at the Wispolitics Blog Summit. Finally, a chance for bloggers to talk about blogging. I will not be in attendance for obvious reasons – most notably, I am so fat, I need to be lifted out of my house with a crane.

Oh, and I lost the MKEOnline.com Blog of the Week to MU Cerebellum. Congrats, ladies. I am now officially the Paul Giamatti of the blogosphere.

UPDATE: For those of you looking for a head start on Saturday’s Blog Summit, check out this excellent article by Jennifer Peterson on the legalities of blogging. SPOILER ALERT- blogging is legal.

I wasn’t going to write a post tonight, as I spent a large chunk of time going through some of my old junk looking for some test scores from a few years back (I’m trying to settle a bet with a co-worker on who scored higher on a particular standardized test). In doing so, I ran across some stuff from high school I had written, and it is all beyond horrific. So, in order to make sure I can never show my face in public again, I thought I’d share a letter I wrote to a girl that broke up with me after my junior year of high school (a long, long, long time ago).

Let me set the scene: I was set up with this girl by a mutual friend, and we went out for about a month. Little did I know, she was actually sticking around to get closer to my friend Dave, with whom we double dated on occasion. Finally, she broke it to me (after I spent a ton of cash for us to go to prom), and I reacted in true 16 year old fashion, thinking my life was over. So I wrote this letter to her, that I thankfully never sent. Take note of the masterful use of the sports metaphor.

Melanie,

Ever since I began playing sports years ago, people have always praised me for how hard I played and, if I happened to lose, what a good sport I was. I’ve lost.

However, this can’t simply be compared to a crummy game. In sports, you just pick yourself up, regroup, and give it your best try the next time out. But in my situation, I’ve lost a lot more. I’ve lost you, as well as a part of myself. Just like I needed my brain to think or my lungs to breathe, I needed you. The day you leave, it will probably have been months since you talked to me, and you will have forgotten this whole relationship totally. That day will be the saddest of my life (editor’s note – it wasn’t.)

I know you don’t like me to talk that way, but it’s true. That’s the only way I can truly express the way I feel about you. I would list all the great things about you, but my limited vocabulary just wouldn’t do you justice. From the first time we went out, you took hold of my thoughts for good. Every dream and aspiration I had from that point on was in your hands. I made the foolish mistake of falling in love with you, so now I can’t get them back. Whether you want to or not, you’ll always have my thoughts.

Anyway, I set myself up for this, so now I just have to eat it. Regardless of what I think of myself, I always thought I could enhance your life and make it even more wonderful than it was before. I guess we’ll never find out. It’s too bad you let your attraction to Dave get in the way. It blinded you to the fact that Dave doesn’t love you and I do (and always will). (Editor’s note – I don’t). I would do things for you that Dave never could. From this point on, my friendship with Dave will deteriorate quickly (Editor’s note – it didn’t: he was one of my groomsmen a decade later). I wish it wouldn’t be like that, but I know it will.

I’m not mad at you for not feeling the same way about me as I do about you. If not liking me was a crime, the entire female gender would be in prison. It’s a good thing you told me about all the guys who you’ve chosen to not talk to for months at a time, now that I’ve fallen into that category.

I didn’t lay a finger on you any time we went out. (Editor’s note: My ability to take hints wasn’t very sharp at age 16.) That doesn’t mean much, just that I liked you for who you had inside, not just because of your extraordinary beauty.

Well, this letter’s getting too long. Don’t even this begins to sum up everything I feel. You can pass this off as musty garbage, or you can look at the words for what they really mean. Anyway, I realize I’ve lost. In the future, when you’ve totally forgotten about me, I hope you find someone else who loves you half as much as I do. Then you’ll be a happy woman for a very long time.

P.S. – Stay away from the sharp cheddar cheese.

So there you have it – the ramblings of a 16 year old madman. I admit, I was cringing in pain while typing it out. So it only makes sense to share it with the world, right? I figure everyone has times like that during their high school years, I just can’t believe I wrote it out and saved it.

I actually never drank a single drop of alcohol in high school. In retrospect, I should have.

I am now going to puke my guts out.

A quote from Jim Pugh of Wisconsin Manufacturers & Commerce today in a Milwaukee Journal story about the Wisconsin Taxpayer Protection Amendment:

“Our tax code in Wisconsin is depriving our families of their dreams,” said Pugh.

So our tax code is the reason a Jessica Alba/Dennis York/Natalie Portman sandwich hasn’t happened yet?

I’d be playing point guard for the Bucks right now if not for the Chapter 20 appropriation schedule in the state statutes?

The tax code is pure evil.

I know everyone’s excited about another of my smarmy “here’s how much I know about the TPA” posts, but I saw something I thought deserved comment. So grab some NoDoz and Mountain Dew (the crack cocaine of soft drinks) and try to stay awake.

The guiding principle behind the current school financing formula is equalization (which, ironically is why it is called the “equalization formula.” I, personally,would be much more comfortable with something like the “Harriet Tubman Memorial Formula”). In essence, the formula separates school districts into “rich” (high property value) districts and “poor” (low property value) districts. The state then gives state tax money to the poor school districts, since they have a lower property tax base from which to fund their district budgets. They give a lot less money to the rich districts, which are left to fund their budgets almost entirely from the property tax. Broadly speaking, this is supposed to provide a level playing field for the children of Wisconsin by equalizing the spending between rich and poor districts.

The TPA makes an interesting change, however, that disequalizes this balance. The amendment caps school district revenue at a set percentage, but considers only property taxes as revenue – not state school equalization aids. Since rich school districts use the property tax more heavily than the poor districts, this allowable inflationary increase will benefit the rich districts much more than the poor districts, since the allowable increase won’t be applied to revenue provided by the state.

Let me put this in language that a dope like me can actually understand. Let’s say you have two school districts of similar enrollments, but one has high property values and per pupil spending, and gets a low amount of state aid. The other is on the low end of property values, spends less per pupil, and gets a ton of state aid. Then let’s apply a 3% TPA revenue cap to these districts. It would look something like this:

District A (Poor)

Total Students: 912
Spending/Student: $9,276
State Aid: $7,279,812
Property Tax Levy: $2,059,675
Percent State Aid: 77.9%
3% Levy Increase: $61,790

District B (Rich)

Total Students: 943
Spending/Student: $10,197
State Aid: $2,810,149
Property Tax Levy: $9,008,765
Percent State Aid: 23.8%
3% Levy Increase: $270,263

Incidentally, these are real examples from two real districts. District A is the Iowa-Grant school district, and District B is the Glendale-River Hills school district.

So, as you can see, the wealthy district will be able to spend more than the poor district since the 3% increase applies to a larger portion of their budget. And year after year, this will compound to make the inequities greater and greater.

Granted, as the state increases school aids, District A will get a larger percentage of that aid. However, if the state is also subject to a 3% revenue cap, there’s no way it will be able to use all of that revenue to spend on schools, and will likely never be able to meet the amount needed to make this an even funding swap.

The current statutory revenue limits take into account total revenues when capping how much revenue a school district can take in. Revenue limits are set by statute and give a district a flat dollar per-pupil amount that they can raise in revenue (say, $210 per pupil, for example). Then the state sets how much they will give districts (say, $140 per pupil, or two-thirds of the allowable increase) and the district is allowed to make up the remaining $70 per pupil via the property tax. In this system, all the revenues a school district collects factor into the revenue cap.

In fact, the legislature can’t even apply a percentage cap to total district revenue or spending, as a flat percentage would allow big spending districts to increase revenue more than low spending districts. A 3% cap means more money to a district that spends $10,000 per student than one than spends $7,000 per student. And the system does not allow richer school districts’ spending to grow faster than the poorer districts’. The TPA would have to feature a flat per-dollar increase for districts statewide, which is essentially what current law allows (and that hasn’t been revoked in over a decade.)

The current funding formula that features state aid, statutory revenue caps, and the QEO is hanging by a thread. The Wisconsin Supreme Court barely upheld the formula in a challenge a few years ago, and this new system could cause significant legal problems if it disequalizes the current system.

This isn’t a criticism of the concept of capping school property taxes, just a suggestion how the TPA could be changed to make it both equitable and constitutional (and yes, you can actually end up with an “unconstitutional” constitutional amendment if two provisions conflict). The TPA can cap school revenue, but it has to count state aid as revenue in order to remain consistent with the spirit of equalization.

I’m sure the public will have this all understood by the time they go to the ballot box. Just as soon as they pick the next “American Idol.”

UPDATE: The actual language from the Wisconsin Constitution (Article 10, Section 3) governing equality of school districts is:

District schools; tuition; sectarian instruction; released time. Section 3. [As amended April 1972] The legislature shall provide by law for the establishment of district schools, which shall be as nearly uniform as practicable; and such schools shall be free and without charge for tuition to all children between the ages of 4 and 20 years; and no sectarian instruction shall be allowed therein; but the legislature by law may, for the purpose of religious instruction outside the district schools, authorize the release of students during regular school hours.