Caught this in a St. Paul Pioneer Press story last week: (you may need to register)

A Wisconsin man pleaded no contest Monday to killing his girlfriend\’s son after becoming angry when the boy wet his pants.

Kevin Rood, 42, of Hammond pleaded no contest to second-degree reckless homicide and could face up to 25 years in prison, defense attorney Aaron Nelson said.

Rood was originally charged with first-degree reckless homicide and three child abuse offenses in the death of 8-year-old Stephen Hubbard, who died from injuries Dec. 20, 2004, after Rood pushed the boy into a doorframe. Those charges could have carried a 60-year sentence…

\”Kevin\’s always been very concerned about what happened, and he\’s always been very remorseful about what\’s happened,\” Nelson said. \”I think Kevin was the best thing that happened to that kid. (He) obviously felt he should take some responsibility for it.\”

Yeah – Kevin was the best thing to happen to the kid – until he killed him. If I\’m putting together a list of \”best things that have happened to me,\” the guy that kills me probably doesn\’t show up (unless he kills me while I\’m watching \”Sex in the City,\” in which case he\’s doing me a favor.) In fact, people who have not killed me have a distinct advantage in making the list. But a warning for those sucking up – it\’s going to be hard to leapfrog Peanut Butter Cups, Keira Knightley, and my snowblower.

This goes to show that you can literally say anything these days. He should take some responsibility for it? You think? Was the kid partially responsible for throwing himself into a door frame? Was the door frame maker liable for making particularly dangerous molding?

If an attorney general candidate wants my vote, here\’s all they have to do: Set up a fund whereby people can contribute money – then all that money goes to the family of the first inmate that makes Kevin Rood of Hammond limp for the rest of his life.

I spent Saturday night re-watching Shawshank. Even though I\’ve seen it probably 10 times, I am man enough to admit that I sob like a little girl pretty much the whole way through every time I watch it.

For some reason, Morgan Freeman has this hypnotic spell over me. Every time he starts in with the narrative, I feel every ounce of his pain. I mean Christ, I had to stop the movie and blow my nose when they\’re all drinking beer on the roof of the prison. His final speech before the parole board is an all-timer. And then at the end, when he says \”maybe I just miss my friend,\” my eyes turn into Niagra Falls.

So I\’m thinking we just cut the crap and elect Morgan Freeman President. Think about it – the presidency has pretty much become style over substance anyway. Why not have a President that goes off the charts on the style element?

He could probably talk me, Joe average citizen, into just about anything. If he were giving a speech and said \”My fellow Americans, we need to invade Canada,\” I\’d say \”Yeah, that sounds about right.\” If President Freeman wanted to double your income taxes, what are you going to do, say no? After the 40 years he spent in prison under that horrible warden? You heartless bastard.

So my advice to Morgan Freeman is, \”get busy runnin\’ or get busy dyin\’.\”

Los Angeles (AP) – Infanticide was given a new name today when Jack Bauer\’s illegitimate fetus killed an abortionist attempting to terminate the pregnancy. The fetus, sensing he was in \”flank two\” position, grabbed a pair of scissors from the doctor and jabbed them into his neck. The fetus killed four other hospital employees by forcing them to watch a clip of Chloe O\’Brian\’s acting.

Bauer\’s ex-girlfriend, Department of Defense employee Audrey Raines, decided to terminate her pregnancy when she believed Bauer was dead for 18 months. As Grandma always used to say when tucking me into bed, \”a dead child is better than an unwanted child.\” While he was presumed dead, Bauer hid out where he knew nobody would see him: by starring in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.

The cause of death for the abortionist was listed as \”Fetus playing by its own rules, practicing its own vigilante brand of gestation.\” The fetus\’ willingess to fight back has inspired thousands of embryos to grow up to be just like him. In fact, a recent fertility clinic had to be closed down when it was discovered that the sperm were sneaking grenades into the donation rooms.

Before the attempted abortion, the Counter Terrorist Unit (CTU) downloaded the blueprints for the entire clinic to the fetus\’ cell phone, which apparently never runs out of batteries. The fetus was tipped off to the abortion attempt by former President David Palmer, who intercepted some chatter on the set of his latest Allstate Insurance commercial. CTU was especially busy that day, as every crazy relative of each employee decided to show up at the office on that exact day.

Upon hearing the news, President Charles Logan sent the fetus to the Middle East to hunt down Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi. Before making the decision, Logan consulted his closest advisors, all of whom apparently work for Al-Qaeda. It took the fetus about 45 seconds to get to Iraq, which is about the time it apparently takes to get from one side of Los Angeles to the other.

Next season, Bauer will take on his greatest challenge yet by attempting to write a plausible script for the popular FOX show \”24.\”

Fight back, fetuses! Viva la insemination!

So this discussion took place when I was playing with my daughter:

Baby York: \”I\’m going to get married, Daddy.\”

Me: \”Oh yeah, who are you going to marry?\”

Baby York: \”Miss Piggy.\”

Me: Awkward silence….

Me: (Looking at my wife:) \”I need a ruling on this – am I allowed to say she\’s supposed to marry a boy? What are you supposed to say these days?\”

Wife: \”So you\’re more offended that she would marry a girl than a pig?\”

——————————————————————-

After that, she and I practiced bouncing quarters off of a table into a cup. I figured this is genius on my part – I mean, when she\’s doing it in college, why not have her be the best in the world? We always played that the guy who makes it into the cup had to make other people drink – so if she\’s the Tiger Woods of playing quarters, she should never touch a drop of liquor, right? Daddy\’s looking out for her best interests. Brilliant. She has about 15 years to perfect it.

Later in the day, we were watching a basketball game and she said it was the \”black guys against the white guys.\” After dislodging the Cheeto from my windpipe, I said \”WHAT?\” I then realized it was Iowa (black jerseys) playing Indiana (white jerseys). I felt much better knowing I didn\’t have a three year old Marge Schott running around the house.

Someone sent this to me today, and I have to admit I almost died of laughter. The more you read, the funnier it gets. And I fully realize that the fact I thought it was funny means I should be checked into some kind of treatment center.

THIS BREAKFAST-PLATE IS UNTRUSTWORTHY

Here\’s another fun one someone brought to my attention:

Wis. Stat. 765.03(1):

(1) No marriage shall be contracted while either of the parties has a husband or wife living, nor between persons who are nearer of kin than 2nd cousins except that marriage may be contracted between first cousins where the female has attained the age of 55 years or where either party, at the time of application for a marriage license, submits an affidavit signed by a physician stating that either party is permanently sterile…

This is fantastic news for the downtown Madison parking cops.

Exactly what special interest was in the Capitol lobbying for this one? Move over, WEAC and WMC – here comes the powerful \”people that are dying to marry their second cousins\” contingent. Do they raise a lot of money to spend on elections by selling fruit on the side of the road? Do they save money by handing down school photos from generation to generation? I can see the attack ad against Mark Green right now:

\”You grew up in the same trailer. You\’ve spent two weeks\’ pay on her at the DQ. BUT MARK GREEN DOESN\’T WANT YOU TO BE ABLE TO MARRY YOUR OWN COUSIN. Call Mark Green and tell him you want to get in them drawers!\”

I mean, seriously – we allow cloning for stem cells but don\’t allow men to make an honest woman of their first cousins? I\’m surprised the UW isn\’t lobbying to fund this horrifying genetic milkshake.

Ah, but there\’s an out for the truly hard core in-family lovers. If you\’re permanently sterile or the woman is over 55, you can marry your first cousin. So you have struck gold if you either:

1. Work at a nuclear power plant; or
2. It is the year 2036 and you are Jessica Alba\’s first cousin.

Side note: Being married and posting pictures of Jessica Alba is an easy way to achieve sterility, as your wife is likely to \”take care\” of things herself. In fact, I think I hear her sneaking up behind me now…

Here\’s another one that I actually am interested in:

Wis. Stat. 765.035:

765.035 Validity of marriages of epileptics. All marriages, otherwise valid and legal, contracted prior to April 24, 1953, to which either party was an epileptic person are hereby validated and legalized in all respects as though such marriages had been duly and legally contracted in the first instance.

I\’m seriously curious about the history of this one. I\’m assuming that at some point, state law either didn\’t recognize or outright banned epileptics from marrying. The new law corrected that by grandfathering in any epileptic marriages that may have taken place prior to April 24th, 1953 (and what the significance of that date is).

Is there any way we can amend the constitution to go back and bar epileptics from marrying? Ever since I found out at about 6:00 tonight that it\’s legal, I have noticed my traditional marriage beginning to deteriorate. When I demanded my wife make me a pot roast, I was hit upside the head by a flying frozen hot pocket. It can only get worse from there.

It\’s fun to look at State Statute books from time to time and wonder how the laws that are there came about. Obviously, each new law has a story behind it, and sometimes it\’s pretty easy to see what activity precipitated the statute change.

Take Wisconsin Statute 47.03(3)(a) (a), which says:

47.03(3)(a) (a) No person may advertise any product as being blind-made or sell or distribute any product that is advertised as being blind-made unless at least 75% of the labor involved in creating the product was performed by blind or visually impaired persons.

So there was obviously some slimeball out there running around selling something and telling people blind people had made it, when all they really did was play a Stevie Wonder CD at the factory while it was being made. There has to be some benefit to blind-made goods, whether they get preferential contracts or people like helping out the blind by buying their product.

So I envisioned a conversation like this:

Seller: So take a look here at this beauty of a car – it\’s 100% blind made. Your purchase of this fine automobile will really help out all those blind kids I\’m always bumping into in my car.

Buyer: Um… It looks like the car doesn\’t have any wheels, bumpers, or a roof.

Seller: Yeah, well it was made by the blind. They skip a detail here or there. They can\’t see.

Buyer: Are you sure this car wasn\’t stolen? It\’s up on blocks and has an \”I Brake for Unicorns\” sticker on it.

Seller: This is blind labor at its best, my friend. Don\’t mock the crippled. They work cheap, which is why you\’re getting such a good deal.

Buyer: I don\’t even like the color – I\’m not really a pea-green kind of guy.

Seller: Green? That car is obviously midnight blue. Maybe you should come down and work at the plant.

Buyer: Wait… what? Are you saying I\’m blind now?

Seller: Well, you obviously can\’t see what a great deal you\’re getting on this finely tuned, brand new car.

Buyer: Will a personal check do?

Do we need to have this same statute in place for products manufactured by other minority groups? I would like some assurance that my candy bars are being produced by at least 75% Oompa Loompa.

So by now you\’ve likely heard of a bill in the State Legislature that would bar protesters from demonstrating at funerals, military or otherwise. This bill is in response to funeral demonstrations by The Westboro Church of Kansas, led by noted hatemonger Fred Phelps. Phelps argues that deaths of the soldiers in the Iraq War are God\’s revenge on the United States for its acceptance of homosexuality.

My question if this – if God truly is vindictive, what could America possibly have done that is bad enought for The Lord to burden us with Fred Phelps?

Chicago – Modern day slattern deity Oprah Winfrey went on offense against Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle today, accusing him of not being honest with her legion of unshowered viewers. Doyle, worried that voters will avoid him like a thrift store jock strap in November, went on Winfrey\’s show to clear his name.

Doyle has come under criticism recently for allegedly not telling the truth about his involvement in awarding state contracts to state donors, for inflating the effect of his supposed \”property tax freeze\” and for claiming he one played the part of \”Rerun\” on the 70\’s show What\’s Happenin\’.

Oprah\’s viewers were riveted as they watched the interview play out while stuffing their fat faces with Cherry Garcia, polishing the nails on their nasty feet, and narrowly escaping a visit from child protective services for one more day.

Doyle has been able to duck law enforcement punishment up to this point, claiming insanity and impotence as his defense. To prove his case on the show, he attempted to set fire to his pants, but accidentally burned campaign chair Marc Marotta, whose lips were attached to Doyle\’s ass at the time.

Midway through the interview, a teary Doyle admitted to selling off state government to the highest bidder. He admitted specifically to giving the state travel contract to Adelman Travel not only because they gave his campaign $20,000, but because they threw in a shiny pair of wings to wear on his shirt that he thought were \”totally cool.\” Doyle said the contract was given out by a civil service employee who he didn\’t know, hadn\’t met, wasn\’t sure she actually existed, and was pretty sure that if she did exist, likely smelled like potato salad. Potato salad immediately issued a press release denying any involvement.

Doyle\’s challengers pounced on his legal problems immediately after they became known. Unable to sell off state contracts, Milwaukee County Executive Scott Walker claimed he would be running a clean campaign, which explained why he currently had received contributions of $11.93, an unbreakable comb, and a copy of \”The Gap Band\’s Greatest Hits\” during the recent fundraising period.

Following the show, Oprah sentenced Doyle to three years of watching her own show. It was a rare chance for Oprah\’s viewers to see a political figure, as most of them think Geena Davis was \”totally\” wrong to invade Iraq. Oprah\’s Book Club has become a national juggernaut despite the fact that the last thing read by 97% of Winfrey\’s viewers was their child support check.

Reached for comment on the episode, Oprah\’s viewers\’ children said \”Where\’s daddy?\”

In completely unrelated news, Wisconsin blogger Jessica McBride was imprisoned for overdosing on too many exclamation points in one post. Cops began to be suspicious when exclamation points started disappearing from Wisconsin keyboards, only to find out McBride had been sneaking into homes and stealing them. As part of her probation, she will be forced to stop signing her name with a little heart over the \”i.\”

SIDE NOTE: If I ever do anything that involves four exclamation points, it better not be something I can tell my wife about.