Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist

For the Lefty That Has Everything…

You\’ve exhausted all the possible gifts for the left-winger in your life. Mondale cufflinks? Check. Lock of Al Gore\’s chest hair? $4.66 on EBay. Dukakis oven mitts? Done.

After perusing the web, I found a perfect gift that I GUARANTEE nobody owns. I give you the State Senate Democratic Committee merchandise page, where you can pick up a memento from a caucus that has lost three seats in two years – with a bullet. If you need to make a strong statement of support for a rudderless group comprised of individuals that nobody in the state can name, this is the spot for you.

For those that don\’t know, a campaign committee only exists to raise money – so by buying this merchandise, you are merely showing your support for the bland fundraising mechanism that many point to as being the big problem in politics.

For my grandmother\’s 75th birthday, we had T-Shirts printed up for the accompanying party. I would bet a hundred bucks there are more of those in circulation than SDCC t-shirts.

\"\"If buying merchandise from a nondescript campaign committee isn\’t your cup of coffee, then maybe a Dave Hansen for Senate coffee mug is. Going out for a picnic? Don\’t forget your Bob Wirch Tote Bag, in honor of the electrifying State Senator from Kenosha.

Since I\’m sure these items are flying off the shelves, I thought I\’d make some other product suggestions to fatten the wallets of Democrats in Wisconsin. When these become a reality, I expect a cut of the profits.


The Russ Feingold Mirror – When you\’re looking out for #1. That\’s right – you da Senator, beautiful. (Side note: Whoever owns \”Just for Men\” hair coloring sent his kids to college based solely on the business he gets from U.S. Congress.)

Frank Boyle Adult Diapers – Comes in \”Absorbent,\” \”Super Absorbent,\” and \”Oh, Sh** I just plowed into a concrete barrier while a cop car was following me.\”

Russ Decker Chewing Gum – For when smokey is on your tail, and your breath is premium octane.

Peg Lautenschlager Resume Paper – When you absolutely have to get a ton of resumes out in a hurry.

Chuck Chvala Soap-on-a-Ro… I\’m sorry, it\’s just too easy. Moving on…

Jim Doyle White-Out – Perfect for those loved ones who need to erase comments they made while they were Attorney General, such as \”The Legislature should have a say in Indian gaming compacts,\” and \”The governor should not be allowed to use his veto to create new sentences.\”

Gwen Moore Tire Repair Kit – Comes free at Taco Bell with purchase of a three pack of Soft Taco Supreme Solar Allahs.

The Gary George Board Game – Learn to move money seamlessly between the Police Athletic League, offshore television stations, your check cashing business, and the women who have filed suit against you for sexual harrassment. But look out – if you get caught by the FBI\’s black helicopter, you have to go to prison in Minnesota, without collecting a cent.

Mike Ellis Kiddie Backpack – For carrying your dependents around. Fits Rob Cowles and Mike McCabe comfortably.

In researching this post, I came across the Robert Fyrst for State Treasurer website, unfortunately titled \”Adding Up For Wisconsin.\” In other words, Robert Fyrst\’s only actual qualification for the office is that he owns a calculator. Go get \’em, Rob.

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