Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist

Month: August 2005

An open letter to residents of Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama

Here in Wisconsin, our thoughts and prayers are with you. It is clear that the damage and destruction your region has suffered from Hurricane Katrina will be severe and lasting. The hurricane didn’t just hit the Gulf Coast, it hit America – and we will stand with you in your recovery.

Unfortunately, some Wisconsin State Legislators have looked at your situation and seen naked political opportunity. One of my state senators has sent a letter to President Bush asking him to release oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to make sure gas prices here don’t spike due to your devastating loss.

In a time of crisis, it is unconscionable to me that politicians can be callous enough to use this tragic event as merely a platform for political opportunity. Before a single rescue crew had been through what is left of the streets of New Orleans, Biloxi, or Mobile, legislators were pandering to the press to get a cheap story. Before a single drowned body has been pulled from a flooded home, some of my legislators were more worried about whether we here in the Midwest may pay a few extra cents at the pump.

Releasing oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserves is an extremely complicated proposition with international ramifications. If the fuel is released, one of the problems we may face is a lack of refineries, not a shortage of crude oil. Having all the oil in the world won’t help us if the refineries cannot process it. The infrastructure in the Gulf Coast Region may be severely damaged, which would make transporting this oil costly. Releasing oil from the strategic reserves could signal a shortage crisis to the futures markets, which would actually drive the price upwards. Thus, releasing the oil in reserve may serve little purpose other than to spawn more press releases for political opportunists. While it may still be a good idea, the timing of this request is disturbing.

The only role Wisconsin State Legislators should be playing in this tragedy is to urge their constituents to donate food, clothing, and money to the relief effort. Nobody likes high gas prices, but it is a global problem. Unless a Wisconsin State Senator can convince India and China to reduce their demand for oil, altering the state’s gas tax is the most significant act we as a state can take, and we have not been willing to do so.

In the last day, we have seen video of streets and buildings underwater, power lines down, and substantial wind damage to structures. We have seen video of heroic rescues of people trapped on their roofs, and those are the lucky ones who managed to make it out of their homes. No doubt rescue crews will find attics with fingernail scratches in the ceilings where people were sentenced to death.

I truly cannot believe one could look at that scene and immediately worry about gas prices in Wisconsin, rather than the well being of families who have suffered casualties or total property loss. Apparently our legislators are willing to step over a few hundred caskets in search of an easy press hit.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you, and I urge all the residents of Wisconsin to help the relief effort to their full capabilities. Please make a contribution to the relief effort at the American Red Cross website or choose a worthwhile charity that is helping residents of the area. While kind Wisconsinites are helping you get back on your feet, Judy Robson and John Gard will be sending you a bill for the extra buck per tank they have to pay when they fill up at the pump.

Sincerely,

Dennis York

Note: This post does not constitute a return to blogging.

York Announces Blogging Retirement

\"\" In one of her recent posts, Jessica McBride asks the question: \”Who is Dennis York?\” A more topical question might be: \”Who was Dennis York?\”

After a few months of working on this blog, I have finally decided to pull the plug on this little project. Seeing as how discussion of my identity has really taken over any discussion of what I actually write, I think it\’s probably time. Some other reasons:

1. I have heard from numerous people who are accused of being me on a daily basis. In her article, Jessica actually posits a few possibilities (I am none of those people, FYI). It really isn\’t fair to those people to have to answer questions about whether they are me, and it\’s not fair for people to suspect them of holding some of the opinions I have expressed.

2. I do actually feel guilty for using a pseudonym, and I apologize to those who didn\’t know. If I didn\’t absolutely have to, I wouldn\’t. When I started the blog, I never expected anyone except my audience of about four buddies to actually read it, so I didn\’t think the pen name thing was a big deal. I support other people who want to blog anonymously, because I think it can be a good thing if done right.

3. I\’m just a regular working stiff, and I need to consider the job that actually pays my bills. Continuing this blog would make things difficult in that regard, so I have to prioritize the thing that keeps a roof over my head. I would hope everyone else would make that choice, too.

I want to thank all the people who have read this over the past few months, and the people who encouraged me to get it going in the first place. (I thanked some of them here.) I\’ll continue to read you all in the future, but unfortunately, I will have to vent quietly behind my desk. I\’ll keep all the articles I have written up on the blog, as my little contribution to the blog knowledge base.

Maybe someday I\’ll re-appear as \”Phineas Ironsides\” or \”Grover Manlove\” or something like that in the future. Keep a look out.

There\’s a good speech in the movie \”Hustle and Flow\” about those who talk the talk and those who walk the walk. I had been talking for a while about writing and doing columns. I want to thank you all for letting me walk for a little while.

-\”Dennis York\”

Packer Preseason Game One: Observations

As is the case with most Wisconsin residents, I bleed green and gold. And since I now have a forum to vent my gripes about the Pack, I will do so occasionally. Often times, it will be after a tough loss, I will be drunk and despondent, and they will be only semi-lucid. Here are some thoughts from last night’s scrimmage:

I am as big a Brett Favre fan as anyone, but apparently he has super powers that turn announcers into oatmeal. The three hour lap dance he usually gets from the likes of Madden and Theismann is really getting to be embarrassing. I mean, in his last two playoff games, the guy has walked out and dropped a Cleveland steamer on the middle of the field. Does that count for nothing? (Painful stat update: In his last 5 playoffs games, Favre has thrown 7 touchdowns and 13 interceptions, while the Packers have gone 1-4. Their only win came in overtime against Seattle, on Al Harris\’ interception for a touchdown.)

Jim Bates may be a great defensive coordinator, but any time a running back in pre-season that wears the number “8” is running wild on your defense, it may be time to re-think some things.

Joe Theismann and Paul Maguire shouldn’t even be allowed to buy tickets to the same game that Mike Patrick is working.

J.T. O’Sullivan will make a great life insurance salesman. Or realtor. In fact, I’m setting the over/under at two years before we see an ad that says, “Nobody knows the Monona – Cottage Grove area better than the O’Sullivan Team!”

\"\"Listening to Suzy Kolber really makes me want to end it all. With the praise she heaped on Favre for his pre-season workout regimen, you would think he saved an Indonesian city from the tsunami. I didn’t hear many of her other interviews because I was sitting in my closed garage with the car running.

Near the end of the game, I did a double-take when I actually thought I saw a white cornerback on the Packers. I would be less surprised if a saw a stegosaurus playing left tackle.

Instant update: The player I saw was some guy wearing #29, Todd Franz. This is on his official bio, and I am not kidding: \”After football, wants to help wife start a business producing designer purses and baby bags, called \’Fränz Handbags.\’\” The jokes just write themselves.

What could Darrell Bevell possible have to say to Brett Favre as his “coach?”

Bevell: “Brett, you missed the read there – you should have thrown to the post pattern.”

Favre: “Darrell, can you go get me a soda? I think it’s somewhere in the back of my locker – behind my three MVP rings.”

The Najeh Davenport situation is a perfect example of the double-standard we have for athletes. Would he be re-elected if Fred Risser snuck into some UW Madison student’s dorm room and dropped a deuce in her laundry basket in the middle of the night? Come to think of it, that might be the only way he earns my vote.

Aaron Rodgers is still a long way away. In fact, Wisconsin residents better pray for good health for Brett Favre and Jim Doyle, because their backups are horrific.

How cool was it to hear LaDanian Tomlinson talk about touring the Packer Hall of Fame? A class act – someone on another team that is easy to root for.

For the Lefty That Has Everything…

\"\"
You\’ve exhausted all the possible gifts for the left-winger in your life. Mondale cufflinks? Check. Lock of Al Gore\’s chest hair? $4.66 on EBay. Dukakis oven mitts? Done.

After perusing the web, I found a perfect gift that I GUARANTEE nobody owns. I give you the State Senate Democratic Committee merchandise page, where you can pick up a memento from a caucus that has lost three seats in two years – with a bullet. If you need to make a strong statement of support for a rudderless group comprised of individuals that nobody in the state can name, this is the spot for you.

For those that don\’t know, a campaign committee only exists to raise money – so by buying this merchandise, you are merely showing your support for the bland fundraising mechanism that many point to as being the big problem in politics.

For my grandmother\’s 75th birthday, we had T-Shirts printed up for the accompanying party. I would bet a hundred bucks there are more of those in circulation than SDCC t-shirts.

\"\"If buying merchandise from a nondescript campaign committee isn\’t your cup of coffee, then maybe a Dave Hansen for Senate coffee mug is. Going out for a picnic? Don\’t forget your Bob Wirch Tote Bag, in honor of the electrifying State Senator from Kenosha.

Since I\’m sure these items are flying off the shelves, I thought I\’d make some other product suggestions to fatten the wallets of Democrats in Wisconsin. When these become a reality, I expect a cut of the profits.

Items:

The Russ Feingold Mirror – When you\’re looking out for #1. That\’s right – you da Senator, beautiful. (Side note: Whoever owns \”Just for Men\” hair coloring sent his kids to college based solely on the business he gets from U.S. Congress.)

Frank Boyle Adult Diapers – Comes in \”Absorbent,\” \”Super Absorbent,\” and \”Oh, Sh** I just plowed into a concrete barrier while a cop car was following me.\”

Russ Decker Chewing Gum – For when smokey is on your tail, and your breath is premium octane.

Peg Lautenschlager Resume Paper – When you absolutely have to get a ton of resumes out in a hurry.

Chuck Chvala Soap-on-a-Ro… I\’m sorry, it\’s just too easy. Moving on…

Jim Doyle White-Out – Perfect for those loved ones who need to erase comments they made while they were Attorney General, such as \”The Legislature should have a say in Indian gaming compacts,\” and \”The governor should not be allowed to use his veto to create new sentences.\”

Gwen Moore Tire Repair Kit – Comes free at Taco Bell with purchase of a three pack of Soft Taco Supreme Solar Allahs.

The Gary George Board Game – Learn to move money seamlessly between the Police Athletic League, offshore television stations, your check cashing business, and the women who have filed suit against you for sexual harrassment. But look out – if you get caught by the FBI\’s black helicopter, you have to go to prison in Minnesota, without collecting a cent.

Mike Ellis Kiddie Backpack – For carrying your dependents around. Fits Rob Cowles and Mike McCabe comfortably.

In researching this post, I came across the Robert Fyrst for State Treasurer website, unfortunately titled \”Adding Up For Wisconsin.\” In other words, Robert Fyrst\’s only actual qualification for the office is that he owns a calculator. Go get \’em, Rob.

The "Smoking Iguana" Story

In college, I worked at a fancy brew pub as a waiter. As is the case in most upscale restaurants, all the twentysomethings with too much cash on hand leads to a lot of drug use. I was talking to one of the guys there about a big party he and his buddies had the night before – it went something like this:

“So my hombres and I decided it would be fun to see if we could get our iguana stoned. I would take a hit, then blow out into his cage. Then the next guy would, and he would exhale in the cage, too. Then it would get back to me, then around and around. Absolutely no response from the iguana – he just sat still.

Then, after an hour or so, the iguana just plops over on his side, like he’s dead. After an hour of inhaling smoke, he finally gives in. It’s at this moment that I realize – THE IGUANA WAS TRYING TO GET ME STONED! He was purposely holding out until the last minute to make me and my friends smoke as much as possible! What an awesome iguana!”

Today, the iguana has his own show on “Air America” Radio.

My Weekend on the Couch

This weekend, I committed myself to a horizontal position on the couch. If felt adventuresome, I would get up and move to the bedroom. I had morning and mid afternoon naps that were interrupted by other naps. My wife referred to me as an \”apiring invalid.\”

Despite my comatose state, I was able to take in some television viewing. Some thoughts:

I know infomercials are low hanging fruit, but there are certain individuals that clearly should be in prison for the content of their ads.

\"\"Most notably this guy, who claims to be a former homeless person who has the stock market completely figured out. His scam is \”trend trading,\” which is a formula he has devised to tell investors when to get in and out of the market. He acts as if \”short selling\” was his idea alone. This trading practice is extremely risky, and involves actually making money on stocks when their value goes down. But in the case of normal stocks, all you can lose is the money you have invested. With short selling, you can lose an infinite amount of cash if the stock rises and rises.

So you\’re telling me thousands of high priced Wall Street advisors haven\’t figured out this scam but this New York dirtball has? Wouldn\’t your Schwab advisor just order his system and pass it on to you if it actually worked?

\"\"This is something I have thought about with Matthew Lesko (another member of the \”should be in prison\” infomercial crowd.) You\’ve seen him – he runs around Washington D.C. in a green suit with imprinted question marks like a crackhead on meth and promises to find government programs to just give money away to everyone. My first action as a Congressman would be to order this idiot\’s book and eliminate every program he promotes ($350 billion by his count).

Anyway, back to Michael J. Parness, the dirtbag behind \”Trend Trading.\” His infomercial features Lisa Guerrero – it\’s a long way down from \”Monday Night Football,\” isn\’t it, honey? His website features this classic line:

Michael, 40, after returning to school, finally graduated Summa Cum Laude from Hunter College in New York City, and holds a Bachelor of Science degree in English. He lives on Manhattan\’s Upper West Side where he continues to rule the freakin\’ markets every day!

Please, give this man your money.

\"\"Informercial #2 pushed the incredible \”Velform Sauna Belt.\” For those of you who haven\’t seen this, it is a belt that you put on, plug in, and sit on your ass for an hour. It gets really hot, and makes you sweat. They promise that you will lose an inch or two in an hour. I thought it was suspect that the only website I found for it is based in the U.K.

Of course, the models they have demostrating the Sauna Belt need to lose weight as much as I need a third nostril. They show a computer graphic of a 300 pound woman watching the pounds melt off after she straps on the belt – within an hour, she\’s a supermodel! Of course, it displays all the hallmarks of a terrible infomercial – the unsettlingly happy hosts, the promise that it is \”portable,\” the people doing sit-ups that look like they are receiving a simultaneous colonoscopy, etc.

Before I get off this topic, I have to mention my all-time favorite, the \”Body Blade.\” The body blade is essentially a stick that you wave back and forth to get fit (see website for a demonstration). It is positively the biggest scam ever to grace a TV screen.

I then flipped over to the Women\’s British Open golf tournament. It\’s funny that for the men\’s tournament, it\’s wall to wall coverage the whole weekend. For the women\’s, they televise about an hour of it on tape-delay. The announcers are the fourth string team over there at ABC – apparently Cookie Monster and Captain Crunch were unavailable to provide commentary.

\"\"For those people who have caught Michelle Wie Fever (accompanied by a rash), they are looking in the wrong place. Paula Creamer, only 18, has already won on tour twice this year, while Wie hasn\’t won anything except a praying mantis look-alike contest. I also have to admit that Creamer wouldn\’t have caught my attention if she wasn\’t a little cutie, which almost makes womens\’ golf watchable. Get an eyeful now before she gets that trademark LPGA leathery sheen and mustache look (guaranteed to look like M.T. Promises from \”The Great Space Coaster\”by age 23).

Women\’s golf has a special challenge to gain American viewers, due in large part to the influx of Asian talent to the game. You can\’t deny their talent and skill, but you wonder if American audiences are going to embrace a Top 10 leaderboard full of South Koreans every week (\”Birdie\” \"\"Kim had to change her name because she was one of SIX \”Kims\” on the LPGA Tour). This, however, is a gold mine for my buddy who used to get \”Orientails\” magazine discreetly shipped to his apartment in a brown paper bag. He ended up marrying a woman that looked more like Secretariat than Lucy Liu.

I also had the misfortune of catching the movie \”Mr. 3000\” last night. The movie, as you may remember, features Bernie Mac as a former Milwaukee Brewer who, nine years after he retires, has to come back to get three more hits to reach 3000 for his career.

Aside from the ridiculous premise of the Brewers being competitive as recently as 1995, Bernie Mac has one of the most preposterously horrible swings in the history of movies. Only John Goodman\’s swing while playing Babe Ruth could have been worse, and he has an excuse because he\’s not left-handed (Ruth obviously was). Of course, watching Tom Cruise play catch with his son in \”War of the Worlds\” almost made my eyes bleed it was so awkward.

Mac\’s character, Stan Ross, is a despicable, self-absorbed character from beginning to end, despite us being forced to believe he learned some sort of lesson after the climactic final scene. I\’m no Mensa candidate, but let\’s just say\”Titanic\” was less predictable than this movie (spoiler alert: the ship sinks).

I know through the plot line, we\’re supposed to see what a nice guy Ross is on the inside, blah blah blah. But think about this if you were a Milwaukee sports fan observing this from the outside: A 47 year old player comes back to play for the Brewers after retiring in the middle of a pennant race nine years earlier after he thought he got his 3,000th hit. He then goes 2 for 70 (or whatever it ends up being, including 0-for-32 to start) in his selfish push to get his personal milestone. The entire time, he behaves like a petulant, self-absorbed jackass, flying all over the country (?) during the season to promote himself. I, as any fan, would be killing this guy on talk radio the whole season.
But for some reason, the fans in the movie are 100% behind the move. Just ridiculous.

As you can already predict, the movie comes down to the final at-bat (spoiler ahead). Of course, there\’s a man on 2nd base in the final at bat of the final game for Ross, and he chooses to put the team before himself and bunts the guy home for the win, sacrificing his chance at his 3,000th hit.

Let\’s think about this – you have the count 3-0 with a man on second, and you\’re batting .032, or whatever it was. There is absolutlely no chance you\’re swinging (or bunting) on the fourth pitch. The truly unselfish thing would have been to take the walk. But instead, he does the thing that gets himself the most attention and accolades. And how often do you see a runner score from second base on a bunt, anyway, especially with the game on the line?

I know, details, details. It was nice to see Milwaukee get some decent publicity.

\"\"A final note: If someone just gave Phil Hellmuth his own TV station, I would watch it more than any other channel. I mean, seriously – we can\’t cancel Oxygen or WE or any of that other garbage to just watch Phil walk around and go nuclear on people? This would be top-notch entertainment, and when it happens, I expect royalties.