Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist

Month: September 2010

“Every Single One”

I’ve discussed campaign finance reform a lot on this blog – probably 90% more than anyone really wants to hear.  So I was pleased when President Obama broached the subject during his trip to Madison on Tuesday of this week.  The President waded into the Citizens United waters when he told the 26,500 onlookers:

And so you can persuade them maybe to give the Republicans the keys back if they’re not hearing the other side of the argument. So a lot of them are fired up. And thanks to a recent Supreme Court decision, they are being helped along this year, as I said, by special interest groups that are allowed to spend unlimited amounts of money on attack ads. They don’t even have to disclose who’s behind the ads. You’ve all seen the ads. Every one of these groups is run by Republican operatives. Every single one of them — even though they’re posing as nonprofit groups with names like Americans for Prosperity, or the Committee for Truth in Politics, or Americans for Apple Pie. I made that last one up.

“Every one of these groups is run by Republican operatives.”

Then someone should tell these Republican operatives to stop running ads saying Scott Walker is okay with disabled people being raped.  (In fact, that ad is being run by the Greater Wisconsin Commitee, funded by noted Republican operative Governor Jim Doyle.)

Surely, it’s shady Republicans who are running ads falsely alleging Sean Duffy wants to “gamble away” Social Security by “privatizing” it.

Of course, both sides have groups running negative ads on their behalf.  But for the President to flatly state that only Republicans do it is insulting.  I’ll just wait here for the state’s editorial boards to criticize him for his bitter, partisan rant.

You, Too, Can Be a State Government Employee

Over the past few months, we here at WPRI have issued a number of reports regarding the fact that state government employees pay nothing for their pensions.  And for suggesting that state employees actually pay the “employee” portion of their pension benefits, we’ve gotten significant blowback.  (See “Growing Anger Over Free Government Pensions” from our Refocus Wisconsin project.)

As it turns out, it’s not just actual state employees that can live the dream of paying nothing for their retirement benefits.  Just take a quick trip over to the Wisconsin Department of Employee Trust Funds website, and fill out the Retirement Benefits Calculator the ETF provides on its site.

In order to figure out your lifetime annuity, all you need to do is fill in your date of birth, the date on which you hypothetically plan to retire, and your three hypothetical highest earning years.

For the purposes of this exercise, I plugged in that I was a 20-year teacher with a 3-year high salary of $75,000, $76,000, and $77,000, and would be retiring in 2026.  As a result of my 20 years of service, I would receive an estimated  lifetime annuity of $$1,669.89 per month.  (I have the option of getting more up front and less on the back end if I choose the accelerated payment option.)  All, of course, for my monthly required contribution of zero dollars and zero cents.

So at your next dinner party, fire up the website, gather the guests around, and play “guess what my monthly annuity would be if I were a state employee?”  It’s bound to be a hit.

See the benefit calculator here.  (Click the “I have read the disclaimer” link at the bottom.)

2010: The Year America Chose… An Ideology

america_choosesBy 10:00 PM on the night of November 7, 2006, every drop of blood had run from my head. A sickly pallor had fallen over me. The look of shock on my face resembled one of the teenage boys in “Sixteen Candles” who had just gotten a first look at Molly Ringwald’s underwear.

During the 2006 election cycle, I served as a lead staffer for the Committee to Elect a Republican Senate (CERS.) We were charged, obviously, with retaining the 18-15 Republican advantage in the Wisconsin State Senate – and, until the results came pouring in from all over the state, fully expected to do so.

But election night was a bloodbath. Republicans all over the state were being violently cast from office. It was as if the entire state had just come home to find the Republican Party in bed with its wife.

All of our preliminary polling said GOP candidates would be just fine. The public wildly supported many of the initiatives our candidates were pitching – spending more money in classrooms and less on bureaucracy; eliminating income taxes on Social Security income; freezing property taxes. Our head-to-head polls showed us ahead in each of our close races.*

But in losing four previously-Republican seats, it became clear that they were caught up in a national tidal wave – one that swept the GOP out of office in the U.S. House and Senate. (At least that’s what I tell myself in order to sleep soundly. As Mark Twain said, “no one is willing to acknowledge a fault in himself when a more agreeable motive can be found for the estrangement of his acquaintances.”)

In retrospect, it appears that there really wasn’t anything local Republicans could have done. By 2006, the American public was tired of seeing daily reports of American casualties in Iraq. The one GOP legislative achievement of note was expanding Medicare prescription drug coverage, a plan that even senior citizens met with a collective “meh.” By election time in 2006, George W. Bush’s approval rating was slightly below “slamming your head repeatedly in a car door.”

In 2010, polls strongly suggest that Democrats are facing the same national tidal wave. In many cases, incumbent Democrats may just have to board up their windows and hope for the best.

But there is one fundamental difference between the previous two election cycles, in which Democrats swept the nation, and the election of 2010. In 2006 and 2008, voters rejected a person; in 2010, they are poised to reject an ideology.

Just think – in 2006, it was the war. In 2008, it was the economy. In both cases, George W. Bush was at the helm. Bush’s unpopularity made John Edwards look like “Sully” Sullenberger by comparison.

(Ironically, it can be argued Bush was elected based on President Clinton’s priapic misadventures, not necessarily on any ideological basis.)

But in both the 2006 and 2008 elections, voters weren’t reacting to phenomena that were necessarily “conservative.” There was nothing inherently “conservative” about the War in Iraq – it was simply a noble war fought execrably in its pre-surge years. It was completely untethered to the fundamental principles of smaller government, individual liberty, and free markets. (If anything, the GOP strayed so far from those principles, they rendered themselves indistinguishable from Democrats.)

And such was the case with the 2008 election, where Republicans were actually humming along comfortably until the economy collapsed. Again, while many people retroactively blame Bush for the collapse, nobody can really name a single thing Bush actually did to send the economy into a tailspin. He just happened to be President when the nation’s largest banks decided it was a good bet to push all their chips into the middle of the mortgage table while holding a two-six off-suit.

On the other hand, 2010 is a direct rejection of the incumbent ideology. Voters are going to punish liberal politicians for carrying through on what they actually believe.

Voters are tired of paying higher taxes for lower quality government. They’re fed up with the underhanded way in which policy is made by buying votes with pork projects.
They strongly reject the notion that government has the wherewithal to manage their health care. (In a Rasmussen poll out this week, 61% of Americans believe ObamaCare should be repealed.) Voters recognize that putting government in charge of making something cheaper is a little like putting Roger Clemens in charge of baseball’s steroid policy.

The upcoming voter revolt isn’t going to happen because of superfluous issues. It’s not going to happen because people think Barack Obama was born in Stankonia. Or because Nancy Pelosi has had enough skin removed from her lips to create a spare Justin Bieber. It’s going to happen because liberals did exactly what they said they were going to do; and the results, as predicted by conservatives, have been disastrous.

Someday, Republicans are going to re-take the presidency and perhaps even both houses of Congress. They will then forget the conservative stances they took to regain the voters’ trust and be cast aside once again in favor of a liberal politician promising “change.”

And when that happens, you will find me at the same place I was in November of 2006. On a barstool, attempting to explain what went wrong to the congregation of empty Heineken bottles in front of me.

-September 22, 2010

(* – Unrelated Side Note: The high point of the 2006 elections was when one of our competitors issued a press release claiming that the “Winds of Change” were upon us. We countered with a release claiming that our candidate would “Rock You Like a Hurricane.” Amazing we lost, huh?)

Please Vote Against This Cantaloupe

You’ve already heard 2010 is going to be a terrible year for incumbents.  Due to the disastrous policies of the Bush administration (and not Congress, where I have sat for 18 years, the last two with my party in complete control), the American public is upset.

And despite my best efforts to pass a law keeping produce from running against me, here I am – stuck with a melon beating me in the polls.

Just look at it – it looks like the kind of cantaloupe that would support the same policies as NEWT GINGRICH and SARAH PALIN.  Rumor has it this cantaloupe’s name has even been mentioned by the likes of GLENN BECK and RUSH LIMBAUGH.  And if I think of any other unpopular names that I can mention in the same sentence with the cantaloupe, I’ll get back to you.

In fact, it was just a few months ago that Kentucky senate candidate Rand Paul mentioned that he’d like to roll back elements of the Civil Rights Act.  And the cantaloupe just STOOD BY and said NOTHING.  In fact, I can’t remember this melon explicitly saying anything supporting the Civil Rights Act, which of course was passed 45 years ago.

Come to think of it, I never recall the cantaloupe ever saying explicitly he opposed drilling for oil in the great lakes.  And since my campaign is desperate enough to spend millions of dollars on ads decrying things the melon didn’t say, I should accuse it of wanting a BP-style oil spill on the shores of Lake Michigan.  Why even stop there?  I never heard the cantaloupe say it opposed ripping up your kitchen floor and drilling for oil there.  That’ll be a real vote mover.

Part two of my strategy will be to hurl epithets at the cantaloupe, knowing that most press outfits will dutifully start incorporating them into their stories if I say them enough.  If I repeatedly call the cantaloupe an “out of touch millionaire,” the Associated Press will begin referring to the melon in that manner.  (After making a salary of over $150,000 for 18 years, I am only worth $165,000, which I think actually makes people more likely to want me manage their tax money.) If I falsely accuse the cantaloupe of benefiting from a government agriculture subsidy, the media will run with it – even after some television stations ask me to pull a misleading ad I’m running using their footage.

Who knows – maybe I can go on national television and accuse the cantaloupe of being a communist sympathizer.  (This would be particularly ironic if I currently held the seat of the Senate’s most notorious red-baiter.) Who’s going to stop me?  The press?  They’re the ones trying to use the cantaloupe as a springboard to get their own names on the national news wires.  If I got caught buying a bag of crack in the inner city, they’d write a glowing article about how I’m getting drugs off the streets.

There are dozens of time-tested strategies I can use.  I can offer to debate the cantaloupe 24 times (a common trick of candidates behind in the polls), then express outrage when it agrees to any number less than the one I have capriciously picked.  I can express outrage any time the cantaloupe mentions my name in an ad, saying it’s “mudslinging.”  I can try to tie the cantaloupe to any intemperate thing said by any member of an organization that normally supports produce.

Clearly, the cantaloupe has picked up momentum by merely not being me.  And that hurts my feelings.  So I will continue to run a dual campaign – on the one hand, trying to convince people I have the dignity associated with an 18-year veteran of the Senate, while also making mind-numbing charges that even the cast members of “Jersey Shore” would consider beneath them.

And, of course, if the cantaloupe doesn’t respond, it means it is probably a communist.

Ieshuh Griffin Unveils Her New Slogan

Wisconsin political legend Ieshuh Griffin showed up on The Daily Show last night to unveil her new campaign slogan:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Slogan’s Hero
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

Clearly, her new slogan was inspired by Ron Johnson’s “No Old Booty” campaign against Russ Feingold.

Doyle’s Charitable Sleaze

So we now know Governor Jim Doyle has shifted $1 million of his now-defunct campaign fund over to the Greater Wisconsin Committee, a political group intending to run television ads to smear Republicans in the upcoming fall election.

Perhaps as interesting as the fact that Doyle chose to use $1 million of his own money to trash either Scott Walker or Mark Neumann is the potential other options he had at his disposal.

Wisconsin Statute 11.19(1) governs how “residual” campaign funds can be spent:

Residual funds may be used for any political purpose not prohibited by law, returned to the donors in an amount not exceeding the original contribution, or donated to a charitable organization or the common school fund.

There you go – you can use the money for campaign stuff, give it back to the donors, give it to charity, or give it to schools.  Given that list, you can easily see where Doyle’s priorities lie.  Certainly can’t think of any charities that need help in a bad economy.

Remember when Doyle was so irate about the federal government not sending “Race to the Top” money to Wisconsin’s schools?  Remember all his indignation about how desperately the state’s educational system needed an infusion of cash?  Well, when given the chance to help out the common school fund, Jim Doyle turned his back on them and decided instead to spend his money on ads accusing Scott Walker of wanting women to get breast cancer.

On the bright side, school kids will still be using Wisconsin history books that were written before Doyle took office.  Now they won’t be able to read about the time he chose partisan sleaze over hiring teachers.

Oh, and one last thing – up until now, the links between Doyle and Barrett have been circumstantial.  (Obviously, Barrett has been pretending that he thinks this “Jim Doyle” is a character on “Jersey Shore.”)   Think there’s a pretty direct link now?

I’m Not Getting Used to This

It sounds awfully pretentious to call yourself a “writer.”  But I get paid to write stuff, so I guess it’s fair to say I am (even though I don’t own the requisite number of turtlenecks.)  And I’m not getting used to it.

This week, I have a column in the Isthmus newspaper, a local weekly here in Madison.  You can pick it up for free at select eateries and such.

The column is a somewhat tongue-in-cheek look at what the state Department of Transportation does and doesn’t allow on its license plates.  As you can see in the article, there’s some pretty inoffensive stuff that they ban – if people want to pay extra to put that stuff on their plates, why not let them?  Anyway, the piece is a (questionable) attempt at humor. (A sentiment lost on the column’s sole internet commenter, who rips me for the “uneducated” article.)

As I was sitting yesterday at Chin’s eating my Mongolian beef, I noticed an older gentleman pick up a copy of the newspaper, walk over, and sit down.  (Side note:  Why do we still eat Mongolian beef?  Like, Genghis Khan was known for murder, rape, looting, and… a delicious stir fry?  That’s like saying “Stalin was a murderous dictator… but have you tried his chicken salad recipe?)

As the guy started flipping through the Isthmus, I have to admit – I couldn’t stop watching him.  I peeked over every few seconds to see if he had gotten to my page yet.  He read pretty slowly as he shoveled sweet and sour chicken under his giant mustache.

Then, he finally got to the page with my column.  I started sweating.  All I wanted was a chuckle.  Maybe just a sweet and sour hesitation while he read a line he liked.

Nothing.  He flipped the page and moved on.  I slumped.  My attempt to expand my audience to chicken-loving mustachioed-Americans failed.

As I finished my beef, I got up to leave.  Just then, I saw another guy walk over with a copy of the paper in his hand.  I actually considered staying to watch him read.  One for two would be pretty good, right?

But then I saw a danger sign:  HE WAS WEARING A FANNY PACK.  Definitely not my crowd.  As we know, fanny pack wearers are devoid of humor – otherwise they’d always be laughing at how ridiculous they look.

I slunk out.  Damn you, Chin’s.  Damn you, newspaper reading public.  I AM A WRITER!

On a positive note, the old guy with the mustache and I are now dating.

Free Speech on a Plate

My new column is up at the Isthmus – it discusses why the state bans benign vanity license plate messages, and suggests ways the state can profit from mulleted-Americans:

As P.J. O’Rourke once said, for some people, free speech is a curse. So if people want to put “GEEK” or “NOSEX” on their plates, why not let them? In fact, “NOSEX” is simply a synonym for “MARRIED,” so why not ban that, too?

It just seems incongruous that Wisconsin state government would want such a tight grip on its citizens’ right to express themselves. There’s no law banning what people can put on a bumper sticker, so why do we care what goes on their license plate? If they are willing to pay extra to be an imbecile in public, let’s let them — most people get to be morons for free.

In fact, the state is turning down extra revenue every time it doesn’t let some guy with a mullet put “HELLYEA” on his El Camino’s vanity plate.