Some of you might remember this post from last year, when I jokingly suggested I should be a “celebrity” cashier at Bratfest.  (For those of you not from Wisconsin, “Bratfest” is a giant festival where residents of nearby Madison risk their lives by ingesting hundreds of thousands of sausages in unison.)

Long story short (too late, I know) I actually got an e-mail from the Bratfest people this year, asking me if I would be a “celebrity” cashier.  I explained to them that my post was actually tongue-in-cheek, but they insisted that I met whatever the nearly nonexistent bar for whatever a  “celebrity” is these days.  (I am on TV sometimes, but it’s usually in Milwaukee.  However, my blog gets hundreds of readers a day from people searching for pictures of Valerie Bertinelli, so I assume that counts for something.)

So I agreed to serve as a cashier on Memorial Day of this year, from 1:00 to 3:00.  This was a strategic move on my part.  Congresswoman Tammy Baldwin and Dane County Executive Kathleen Falk were going to be there at the same time – so I figured that everyone would go stand in the lines of the real celebrities, and fewer people would stand in line to see me.  (As it turns out, if I am actually famous for anything, it is my legendary ability to avoid actual work.)

As the days drew closer, I started to dread my upcoming cashiering shift.  Sometimes the lines at Bratfest get really long – just imagine someone who stands in line for 20 minutes hoping to meet a genuine celebrity, and they end up meeting me.  I legitimately started having panic attacks.

I tried to think of things I could say if people asked me who the hell I was.  If someone gave me a hard time for being a nobody, I would just apologize and promise to be famouser next year.  If someone asked me where they might have seen me, I figured I’d tell them they may know me from any number of Amber Alerts.

I also tried to think of what I would say to Tammy Baldwin if we actually met beforehand (despite being in politics for over a decade, I have never met her.)  I generally try to have entertaining stories on hand just in case I meet actual famous people – just so I don’t sound like an idiot. (Still working on my story for if I meet Sinbad.)   At first, I was going to joke that she was killing more people in one day with bratwurst than she was going to save in a decade with the health care bill that just passed.  (I scrapped this one.)  I then decided to relay a story told to me by a friend about her almost Rain Man-like ability to remember faces and names.  Figured that was safer.

I showed up for my shift hungry, thinking I’d be able to down a brat beforehand.  I was wrong.  I went to the volunteer tent and picked the charity I would be cashiering for (Hospice Care of Dane County), got my XXL t-shirt (it was all they had left), and they threw me right in to the cashiering.

Fortunately for me, they adjusted the prices this year – rather than having different prices for hot dogs, brats, and drinks, everything’s $1.50.  Want a brat?  $1.50.  Drink?  $1.50.  Want me to dance like a robot?  $1.50.  (Nobody took me up on this offer.)

The system they have is really slick – to your left, they have someone to run and get drinks.  To your right, someone to go get the food.  All you have to do is count how many total individual items someone gets, look at the handy pricing cheat sheet, and come up with the price.  The only challenge was when someone ordered the “Double Johnny” (two brats on one bun), which cost $3.  Fortunately, having worked several cashiering jobs in the past, I was adept at making change.  I actually felt sorry for the politicians who are asked to cashier, because it seems few of them are good with numbers.  (Although many of them are skilled at delivering pork.)

As it turns out, all my customers were great, as were my drink and food getters.  It was a good thing it was so busy, since I probably would have gotten in trouble if I had ample time to crack wise.  (There was one large teenage girl who proudly featured a giant hickey all over her neck – I literally had to bite down on my tongue from commenting.)

Sadly, with all the commotion, I wasn’t able to meet any of the other celebrities.  (I spoke briefly beforehand with NBC 15′s Chris Woodard, who said this was his second year doing it.)  Every now and then, I snuck a glance down the row and saw Baldwin’s somewhat-unruly mass of blonde hair at the end of the line.  And it’s true – her line always had the most people in it.  But by the time my shift was done, she and everyone else were long gone.  And thus ended my dream of one day befriending Tammy, and going canoeing with her as we laughed uncontrollably about old movies while the setting sun served as a backdrop.  (Wait… she’s what?)

While my shift was tiring, I was really glad I did it.  It appears when Wisconsinites get in line to get a sausage, the person serving them is actually superfluous.  Nobody asked me anything about what I did or who I was – they just wanted to get their hands on some meat.  And it appears record numbers of people did so – the final count of brats sold was 209,376, eclipsing the previous record by around a thousand sausages.

So thanks to the folks at Bratfest for allowing me to crash the party, Salahi-style.  Next year, maybe Tammy Baldwin will be sitting in her office thinking about what she’s going to say to me.  Although if I’m any more famous, it will probably be for my ability to do the robot.

Tonight, I got hooked watching “Police Women of Broward County,” which is your typical COPS-type show, just with kick-ass peroxide blondes.

I was particularly interested in a storyline about an undercover prostitution sting, where they took one of the female cops and had her serve as “john bait” in a hotel room.  They used 48 year-old detective Julie Bower, who features an enormous mop of crimped blonde hair and the dark, leathery skin complexion one might expect of a Florida cougar.

To start the sting, she had to put her own prostitution ad on Craigslist, complete with photo and everything.  Within ten minutes of placing the ad, she started to get calls.  Naturally, she was falsely modest, saying she didn’t expect to get calls so soon.

But that got me thinking – what if you’re involved in one of these sting operations, put one of your ads up, and don’t get any calls at all?  Like, everyone in the police force is sitting around the phone, and it never rings?  I’d imagine that would be fairly embarrassing.  I would actually feel bad that none of these creepy guys thought I was hot enough.  I mean, these lonely dudes will stoop to anything – but not you.  You’d start blaming the picture, saying it made your butt look too big, or it was out of focus or something.  (It would be even more embarrassing if you used a picture that you already had posted on Facebook.)

What’s funny is that once it came time for her to actually go undercover, the cameras went to her house to show her picking just the right slutty clothes to wear.  And as it turns out, she had a whole closet of them.  Like, it took her an hour to pick just the right whorish pants.

At one point, she actually said she had the option of picking out clothes from the police station, but decided to go with her own.  Can you imagine this discussion?

Captain: “Now in order to be believable, we want you to look super slutty.  Like, a real, genuine whore.  And not a high-end one – one that will do pretty much anything for twenty bucks.  Like a really, really dirty one.  So head on down to wardrobe.”

Julie: “No thanks, Cap.  I got this one.”

In any event, they managed to nab a couple guys.  It always surprises me how stupid and desperate these guys can be.  It seemed fairly obvious that she was trying to get them to express verbally what would be going on, in order to get it on video – to the point where it was awkward.  In the rare instance I ever fooled a woman into such activities, I can assure you we didn’t sit down and map out how it was all going to go down.  (Primarily because it might creep them out I set aside a couple minutes for crying.)

It does go to show what a thin line prostitution is, though.  I’m pretty sure that if any of these guys had met Detective Julie Bower in a bar and bought her $20 worth of drinks, they’d probably have gotten the same thing they sought in that hotel room.

This week, we discuss the new album by LCD Soundsystem, “This is Happening.” Plus, I want everyone to hear a Wye Oak song that currently possesses my soul.

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I attended the Wisconsin Republican Party convention in Milwaukee over the weekend, and with the cobwebs finally gone from my skull, I have some thoughts:

* – Mark Neumann apparently thinks he’s running for the wrong office. It appears he is running to be 8^th grade class president, not governor of Wisconsin. Think about it – he began his campaign by starting a ludicrous rumor about Scott Walker dropping out of the race to run for lieutenant governor. Then he started putting out goofball press releases bragging about all his phony Facebook followers and about how his website was winning awards for its design. At his next press conference, I fully expect him to announce that Justin Bieber is totally dreamy.

Neumann did build up some goodwill during the convention by pledging that he would support whoever the GOP nominee would be. This was likely in response to rumors that Neumann would run as an independent after losing the primary to Scott Walker, thereby handing the election to Democrat Tom Barrett. (Many people still blame former Libertarian Ed Thompson for stealing votes from Republican Scott McCallum in 2002, which handed the election to Jim Doyle – who won with only 44% of the vote.)

But whatever goodwill Neumann garnered by vowing to support Walker, he lost by pulling a stunt in which his supporters picketed outside the Frontier Airlines center, claiming they were denied entrance. Of course, anyone that wasn’t credentialed was denied entrance, not just Neumann’s supporters. (Owen Robinson and Deb Jordahl had these angles covered.)

All in all, it looks like Republicans are where they were before the convention. Walker is the huge favorite, Neumann plans to continue to go negative on him on petty issues. And for those who believe Neumann isn’t running as an independent, I give you Florida Governor Charlie Crist, who proclaimed on national television that he wasn’t going to run outside the Republican party, then two weeks later, announced that he was doing just that.

* – Ironically, there were two people who earned my newfound respect by their reaction to their damaged campaigns. Obviously, Dick Leinenkugel’s popularity increased tenfold when he pulled out of the U.S. Senate race and endorsed new entrant Ron Johnson. That was really the only way the ex-Jim Doyle cabinet member could have earned a standing ovation at the GOP Convention.

But I was equally impressed by Lieutenant Governor candidate Rebecca Kleefisch, who finished last among the four Lt. Gov candidates on the first delegate ballot. The first ballot came in with Rep. Brett Davis at 37.5 percent, Superior Mayor Dave Ross at 25.5 percent, former Green Beret Ben Collins of Lake Geneva with 13.78 percent, and Kleefisch with 13.69 percent – which bumped her off the ballot. (Davis won the final ballot over Ross by 14 percent.)

I can only imagine how tough it was for Kleefisch to suffer such a defeat, given the time and effort she’s put into her campaign. But as I walked out of the convention hall, there she was – still smiling and shaking hands. As Alec Baldwin once said it takes these to take a hit and keep a brave face – and no matter how badly she felt at the time, she kept on working. I found that monumentally impressive. (Of course, I sobbed inconsolably after watching “The Lion King” for the first time, so I might just be a world class pansy.)

* – Apparently, there are twenty-six GOP candidates running in the 8^th Congressional District against Democrat Steve Kagen. And I kept hearing about how State Representative Roger Roth is everyone’s frontrunner, but I didn’t see Roth anywhere near the convention. There may have been signs and stickers that I missed, but it was hardly the convention presence I expected.

On the other hand, former State Representative Terri McCormick was everywhere, shaking hands and talking with delegates. Then again, maybe I just noticed her more, as I was afraid she might run over and karate chop me in the eyeballs after I wrote this post about her.

* – Everyone knows that all the real convention action happens at the candidate hospitality suites, which serve up free drinks and entertainment. It seemed the most popular suite was that of former lumberjack Sean Duffy, as it featured a game called “hammerschlagen.” In the game, contestants stand around a tree stump and attempt to hammer nails into it by using the pointed end of a hammer. The first one to hammer their nail all the way in wins. (Naturally, the first time I stepped up and took a swing, I hammered my nail in in one shot. ONE SHOT, BRO! This led to a long evening of trash talking on my part.)

One might question the wisdom of mixing alcohol with pointy hammers – but I’m certain 9-1-1 was on speed dial all along.

I actually did get to spend some time talking to Duffy and even more time talking to his wife, Rachel Campos-Duffy. They seem like wonderful, genuine people with a beautiful life and adorable family. Come to think of it, I think I hate the Duffys.

(SIDE NOTE: My apologies to the Dan Kapanke for Congress hospitality suite-goers. They had a game set up where you could hit a baseball, and if you hit a sign on the wall, you won a t-shirt. I apparently hit the ball a little too hard, and it caromed off the wall and drilled an intern in the head. I was then asked to leave. I sincerely apologize to everyone involved – I tried to swing lighter, but couldn’t make contact. Anyway.)

* – Wispolitics was in attendance, and conducted their usual straw poll of delegates. (One of the question on the poll was “Do you support the Tea Party movement?” Which caused my friend Mike to wonder if at the Democrat Convention, they’ll ask “Do you support ACORN?”) I was surprised to see that among delegates’ preference for president, Representative Paul Ryan finished fourth (behind convention speaker Tim Pawlenty, Sarah Palin, and Mitt Romney.) What’s most surprising is that Ryan finished fourth despite not being on the ballot. People actually wrote his name in. Sadly, Ryan had to leave the convention after the death of his mother-in-law.

* – Finally, a special shout-out to Reince Priebus and the whole staff at the Republican Party for putting on a first-class event. Especially since this was one of the largest conventions in history. The stress on these people to keep things running smoothly is immense, and they deserve a lot of credit.

As a writing assignment, I was actually going to attend the Democratic Convention in Madison in a couple weeks. I e-mailed one of my Democrat friends to see if that was feasible, and he responded by asking if this was some kind of Hunter S. Thompson stunt. I said no, but that I did plan on dropping a lot of acid before I went.

Friends become enemies and enemies become friends on this week’s podcast, as Barrett and I debate the merits of the National’s new album, “High Violet.”  We also pay tribute to the late Ronnie James Dio, and I recount this Dio-related crime tidbit from two years ago.

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Last week, Congressman Dave Obey shocked the Wisconsin political world when he decided to step down after 41 years of service to the 7^th District. When asked why he was leaving, Obey gave every reason in the book – he was “bone tired,” he didn’t want to go through reapportionment, he thought more representatives of the “lowest common denominator” (read: Republicans) would be in office, etc.

It just so happens Obey is facing a tough challenge from Ashland County District Attorney Sean Duffy, a Republican. When asked if he was quitting because he might lose his upcoming race, Obey pointed out that he has won 25 straight races, and wouldn’t lose again. To emphasize his point, Obey said he made his mind up to retire once the recent health care bill passed. He said:

“Over the past few years, whenever a member of the press asked if I was contemplating retirement, I would respond by saying that I did not want to leave Congress until we had passed health care reform. Well, now it has.”

Pressed by reporters, Obey said he would have announced he was leaving sooner if the bill passed in September, as he expected it to. But he had to announce his retirement later, since the bill passed in March.

So we get it. Obey had made his mind up to retire months ago, and was just waiting for the health care bill to pass. Sean Duffy’s campaign had nothing to do with it.

Obey’s emotional speech said one thing. But his campaign finance reports tell quite another.

With Obey presiding, the health care bill passed, on March 21^st of 2010. On March 30^th, Obey’s campaign accepted a $4800 in contributions from Brian Goad of Reno, Nevada. A day later, Obey’s campaign cashed a $1000 check from tennis star Andre Agassi. (Take a minute to let that one soak in.)

In fact, between the health care vote on March 21^st and April 1^st (the last day of the campaign finance report), Obey collected 64 contributions, for a total of $18,230. (Many of the larger amounts from California and Nevada.)

So if Obey had his mind made up for months to retire after he passed health care, why was he still raising money after the bill passed? Why was his campaign still depositing $10 and $20 contributions from little old retired teachers in his district?

The reason is simple – Obey may have fully intended to run after the health care bill passed, but saw that he had a fight on his hands. And he was the poster boy for what had gone wrong with Congress. Not wanting to leave his office as a loser, he used the bogus health care bill excuse, and everyone lapped it up.

Perhaps more telling will be Obey’s next finance report. If it shows he kept raising money past April 1^st and into May, when he made his announcement, it will contradict his whole “we finished health care so I decided to retire” line.

Surely, candidates say things of dubious veracity all the time – but there’s a reason Obey has to sell this whopper. He can’t admit that he had any part in the electoral debacle that is about to befall his fellow Democrats.

(SIDE NOTE: On Andre Agassi’s campaign finance entry, he lists himself as a “Philanthropist.” That must be from his tireless work teaching young people about the dangers of hair extensions.)

UPDATE:

Obey’s finance report also showed that he spent a whopping $30,000 on a poll on February 8th. I wonder what that poll told him? Perhaps the results made him a little more “bone tired” than he had been.

Watch Obey’s retirement press conference here: