As I settled in to my office this morning and started looking at my keyboard, I noticed something troubling.  It appears at some point this morning, I had started clipping my fingernails, and I missed two fingers.  I just stopped cold, midway through my right hand.  (See attached photo, which will be entered into evidence as exhibit B-4:)

This is most troubling.  What the  hell happened that caused me to just forget those last two fingers?  If I blacked out, anything could have happened during that time.  I could have lost consciousness and become the ruthless overlord of a developing nation, committing genocide and refusing to recycle.  I may have spent months trying to quell an insurrection of freedom fighters who were rebelling against my regime’s official stated position that Chef Boyardee products all taste identical.  Then I could have been transported back to my bathroom, where I regained consciousness.  The chances of this happening currently stand at around 8%.

Or I may have had to pee.

Earlier today, Dan Walsh over at Sportsbubbler.com laid down the gauntlet and issued a challenge:  Come up with the best alternative songs of the ’90s that incorporate long, building intros.  The only real rule is that it can’t come from Nirvana, Bush (no problem there), Pearl Jam, or Smashing Pumpkins – which is a real ballbreaker because the beginning of “Cherub Rock” is the gold standard for ’90s alternative intros.

Not being one to shy away from an argument, I rose to the challenge and made my own list – although it cost me about four hours of my life and multiple eye-rolls from my wife.

So let’s get started:

Mighty Mighty Bosstones: Where Did You Go?

The Bosstones are always good for a long, meandering beginning, kicking into a happy ska riff.  Gets me every time.

Velocity Girl: Sorry Again

Kind of wussy, but one of the great forgotten bands of the ’90s.

Ministry: Jesus Built My Hotrod

Ding a ding dang my dang along ling long.

Big Wreck: The Oaf

Dan mentioned this one, but didn’t link to it, which is a shame.  Here it is from a band that completely disappeared after this song.

The Prodigy: Firestarter

Between this one and “Smack my Bitch Up.”

Alice in Chains: Would?

Nine Inch Nails: Head Like a Hole

Kind of a cheat here, as the song came out in 1989.  I would have picked “Closer,” which has a great opening, but it’s short and doesn’t necessarily build to anything.

Rage Against the Machine: Killing in the Name

As awful as Rage’s politics are, you can’t help but get chills when the main riff kicks in here.

Metallica: Wherever I May Roam

Some may consider this a cheat, as Metallica isn’t necessarily “alternative.”  Fair enough.  But people my age remember the kids in high school that listened to Metallica being a little scary.  While Poison and Motley Crue were singing about getting laid, Metallica’s songs were about being dismembered and buried alive.

Soundgarden: Rusty Cage

The intro to end all intros, although “Outshined” on the same album does the trick as well.

Others considered: “Juke Joint Jezebel” by KMFDM, “Crackin’ Up” by the Revolting Cocks, “Last Goodbye” by Jeff Buckley, “Stars” by Hum, and any number of Built to Spill songs, which usually contain 5 minute intros.  In fact, here’s “Broken Chairs,” which just rips.

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So tonight I finally got around to watching the last episode of “The Pickup Artist 2″ on TiVo.  (Unsolicited side note: TiVo is perfect for hipsters who want to show that they’re into a TV series, but not so into it that they actually rush to the TV when it is on.  It’s a perfect way to appear to remain detatched, since caring strongly about anything other than Barack Obama is frowned upon.)

For the uninitiated, The Pickup Artist series airs on VH1 – it is a reality show where some gangly Canadian bozo who dresses like a space pirate deems himself the “Master Pickup Artist,” and teaches a house full of dorks all the tips to pick up women.  This man goes only by the sobriquet “Mystery,” and molds twitchy little freaks into sleazy douchebags who get spray-on tans and wear their headware askance.

For some reason, I can’t look away from this show.  (Unsolicited side note #2: I subscribe to the Chuck Klosterman theory that there is no such thing as a “guilty pleasure.”  Either something gives you pleasure, or it doesn’t – and if it does, there is absolutely no reason to apologize for it just because some hipster jackass might look down on you for it.)

Every week, the contestants go on “field tests,” in which Mystery sends them into a local bar to use whatever invaluable tips he taught them that week to pick up chicks.  The show goes to great lengths to point out that the entire field test exercises are done via hidden camera in real bars with real people.  In many cases, these aspiring lotharios strike out in such spectacular fashion that you actually have to shield your eyes from the painful awkwardness exuding from your television.  But in some instances, the contestants get a phone number, or even a brief makeout session based on their newfound skillzzzz.

But in the real world (in which I sometimes live), these “field tests” raise some questions.  At some point, the show’s producers have to convince the targeted women in that bar to sign a waiver to use their image and voice on television.  This would have to be done after their encounter with the twitchy, freakish contestant.  At this point, the woman would know that she has essentially fallen prey to a scam, which for 98% of human history may have actually embarrassed her a little bit.  But apparently, the desire to be on television at all costs is so strong, they go ahead and sign a waiver saying “I agree to be on television to show my parents that I am willing to get drunk and play tonsil hockey with a nerdy stranger who just duped me with some pickup ruse.”

The series finale was interesting, as well.  For one of the field tests (see below) the final two contestants were released into the wild, and the first one to kiss a girl won the contest.  The flaw in this game is obvious: it doesn’t take into account quality.  One of the contestants could make a bee line for the first ugly woman in the bar, throw out their standard pickup line, and be having a tongue fight within minutes.  What exactly does that prove?

This year’s winner was the large-lipped Simien, and there’s an 80% chance he’s gay.  (One of the previous episodes, in which one of each of the contestants’ “friends” was brought to the house from back home,  heavily alluded to this fact.)  And he really had the lamest pickup line, (or “opener,” as Mystery calls it) and he beat it to death.  (“What movie is ‘nobody puts baby in a corner’ from?  DIRTY DANCING!”)  His pickup line almost made “I like pickle juice” (which was actually used to great effect by a contestant) seem erudite.

Finally, in the last episode, Mystery stocks the house with “perfect 10s,” of which the two remaining contestants must choose one to successfully seduce.  (In some cases, the only “10″ in that house could be achieved by standing three hoochies together.)  Mystery claims that these women are his “friends.”  Yet all of the techniques the two romeos use are methods taught by Mystery in Season One of the show.  So if these women were really Mystery’s friends, wouldn’t they have watched the show last year and been able to recognize the dopey tricks being played on them?

The real star of the show, however, is Mystery, who treats the entire affair as an infomercial, getting people to sign up and pay thousands of dollars for his traveling seminar on picking up women.  And if you’d like, you can also fork over some cash for a book detailing his methods called “The Game.” The seriousness with which Mystery takes his instruction simply has to be a put-on.  There’s just nobody that can be that earnestly ridiculous without it being an act.

To get a flavor of the show, click below and see our last two contestants work the room.

A few years ago, everyone scoffed at Al Gore for his goofy proclamation that the debate over global warming was “over.”  Yet I am about to make a similar statement with regard to the only issue in Wisconsin that really matters:  After yesterday’s game, the debate about Brett Favre is now over.

In the aftermath of Favre’s whole prima donna act, some of you may have simply looked at the New York Jets’ record, compared it to the Packers’ record, and made your decision on the validity of the decision to go with Rodgers based on that alone.  If you have said something to yourself along the lines of “we had everyone coming back from a 13-3 record, and now the Jets are good and the Packers aren’t,” then I have news for you – and I cannot mince words on this – you are an idiot.

Despite Rodgers’ herculean effort yesterday (298 yards, 3 TDs), the defense and special teams once again let the team down, giving up 35 points – after forking over 51 points on Monday night.  It wouldn’t have mattered if the Packers alternated Jesus Christ and Barack Obama at quarterback yesterday.  It wasn’t Rodgers’ fault Mike McCarthy called a ridiculous third down running play with the fullback on the goal line with a minute and a half left – after Rodgers had picked apart the Carolina defense at will while marching them down the field.

Find me a first year quarterback that has had the success Aaron Rodgers has.  What he’s done has been brilliant – it’s not his fault Mason Crosby missed a potential game-winning field goal in Minnesota by three feet.  It’s not his fault teams return kickoffs to the 50 yard line every time.  It’s not his fault the defense allows one of the top 3 receivers in the NFC to run free with the game on the line.  Those of you who are dying to be critical of Ted Thompson are actually right – but because he has failed to put together a decent defensive line, not because of his decision to keep Rodgers over Favre.

So if you’re still yearning for the days of Brett Favre – the one, incidentally, who did nothing in his team’s embarrassing home loss to the Broncos – then feel free to jump ship and root for the Jets.  We’ll be over here in Wisconsin with the Pro Bowl quarterback for the next decade, while Jets fans will be dealing with Favre’s Hamlet routine in the offseason.  And when Favre is riding a tractor in a couple years and the Packers are still competitive because of their quarterback, you can send all of us an apology when you come crawling back.

SIDE NOTE:  Not to make excuses for the rest of the team – because they have been bad – but has anyone actually looked at how difficult the Packers’ schedule has been?  Not only has it been hard, it may be historically hard. (Also the name of a movie on the Spice Channel.)  Through 12 games this year, the Packers have played exactly two teams (Detroit, Seattle) with losing records.  The other 10 games have been against teams .500 or better (Minnesota 7-5, Chicago 6-6, Tampa Bay 9-3, Carolina 9-3, Tennessee, 11-1, Dallas 8-4, New Orleans 6-6, Indianapolis 8-4, Atlanta 8-4).  Combined, those teams have won 72 and lost 36.

By contrast, of the Packers’ 13 wins last year, nine came against teams that were .500 or worse:

Philadelphia (8-8), Minnesota twice (8-8), Denver (7-9), KC (4-12), Carolina (7-9), Detroit twice (7-9), Oakland (4-12), Saint Louis (3-13)

Those thinking this team was going 13-3 again with Favre based on what they did last year need to seek medical attention immediately.