I love my job. I get to write pretty much whatever I want, and I get paid for it. (The fact that I get paid in McDonald\’s Monopoly game pieces doesn\’t bother me much.)
I have, however, found the greatest writing job ever. I want to be the guy that writes the little show descriptions for TiVo. Specifically, I want to be the guy that writes the little show descriptions for all the nudie movies for TiVo.
Here\’s how it works – if you have DirecTV or TiVo or whatever, you can click a button to get info on a show. Generally, what follows is a little one sentence blurb that tells you what the movie is about. For instance, \”Saving Private Ryan\” is on tonight, and the blurb is, \”A World War II captain (Tom Hanks) and his squad (Edward Burns, Tom Sizemore) risk all to locate and send home a soldier whose three brothers died in combat.\” Simple, to the point.
But what I didn\’t realize is that the guy who writes these little summaries actually has to write them for all the sleazy adult films, too. And while I don\’t actually get any of these channels (Playboy, Hustler, Juicy, Fresh, Sexx, etc.) I just realized that you can view the informational blurbs on the directory. And I haven\’t laughed this hard in a long time.
Just keep in mind what someone has to do to write one of these summaries – you have to actually watch the movie, boil the plot down in one sentence (my guess is one sentence is giving these movies WAY too much credit), and write about it in a way that is completely distinct from all the other nudie movies on these channels. Which has to be impossible, because they\’re all the same movie, presumably.
So, to get an idea of what I mean, here are a few of these Oscar winning movies showing tonight on these various channels, with their descriptions:
Show: M.I.L.F.s in Heat 2
Description: Undersexed soccer moms (Chelsea, Victoria) are filmed getting their sexual appetites sated.
Ed. note: What is the big MILF attraction? How do they prove these women are mothers? Do they bring a copy of their kids\’ birth certificates to the set to really heat things up? And what are the chances anyone who orders this movie has ever used the word \”sated\” in a sentence?
Show: Nurseholes 2
Description: Women in white prepare for stiff injections.
Ed. Note: Some guy went to college for four years to learn to write this stuff.
Show: International Slut Cravings 9
Description: European women with amazing carnal skills showcase sex too hot for American girls.
Ed. Note: Didn\’t they settle this conflict with Europe at the Yalta conference?
Show: All Girl MILF Munch
Description: Sexy suburban housewives become friendly with each other.
Ed. Note: Again with the MILFS. How does it make it hotter that these women have been to a hospital and given birth? Is there a niche for men who like women that have had appendectomies?
Show: Ebony Assets Redux
Description: Black beauties (Roxy Reynolds, Ruby, Mone Divine) prepare for hard-core gonzo action.
Ed. Note: Whatever step forward Barack Obama\’s election was for race relations, this film alone just erased it.
Show: Gang Bang 6
Description: Annette Schwarz, Bobbi Starr, Joe Blow. Two daring sluts and 19 men gather for a raunchy good time.
Ed. Note: 19? Are they sure? Was someone keeping count? Is some guy only going to tune in if there are more than 18?
Show: Asian Fever Tokyo Girls
Description: Young and curious, these exotic beauties want to show American tourists a good time.
Ed. Note: Do you even bother with the subtitles on something like this?
Show: Backside Bangin\’ 7
Description: It is booty vision for some slutty beauties with serious backside bouncing.
Ed. Note: Isn\’t this the seventh installment of Lord of the Rings?
And it goes on and on from there. Most of the other descriptions and some of the titles I can\’t even write without breaking some kind of decency law (But be sure to catch \”Ghetto Hot Chocolate\” and \”Monstrous Black Meat 2\”).
UPDATE: The full DirecTV schedule can be seen here. Check out channels between 594 and 600. And yes, I am 10 years old.