Quite often, well-intentioned legislation goes bad. Such a case exists in Massachusetts, where a well-meaning law meant to broaden the standard for rape has now turned into a national punchline.

Under the new legislation, it would be a felony to have sex with someone under false pretenses. In other words, you could go to jail for lying to someone in order to get them to have sex with you.

The bill states:

Whoever has sexual intercourse or unnatural sexual intercourse with a person having obtained that person’s consent by the use of fraud, concealment or artifice, and who thereby intentionally deceived such person so that a reasonable person would not have consented but for the deception, shall be punished by imprisonment in the state prison for life or any term of years. As used in this statute, ‘fraud’ or ‘artifice’ shall not be construed to mean a promise of future consideration.

The bill was meant to correct legitimate instances of deception such as the time a sleepy Massachusetts woman had sex with her boyfriend’s brother, thinking it was actually her boyfriend. In another case, a medical technician pretending to be a doctor conducted a full pelvic exam on a woman after telling her he was licensed to give the exam. (Perhaps the fact that the “doctor” was eating a ham sandwich during the exam might have been a tip-off.)

But think about how broad this language actually is. Lying for sex? Is there really any other way? If women really knew what we were like, there’d be no chance any male would get any action. Every guy has some bogus story about what a good job we have, how we spent time on a Greenpeace boat, how this is our real hair, or some such nonsense. Every man pads the resume a little, hoping to cash in before reality sets in. (Although saying the words “I’m a blogger” might be the most effective birth control known to man.)

Even if there’s not overt lying going on, there are implied lies. Suppose your girlfriend cheats on you with Roger Clemens. And suppose, had you known about the affair, you never would have slept with her again. But she doesn’t tell you about the affair, and you continue to have your monthly sexual encounter. Your girlfriend could actually be guilty of rape, since she concealed information that would have kept you from having sex with her.

The list goes on. Tell a girl you will always love her? Get an orange jumpsuit. Cougar looking to score a younger guy at the bar tonight? Better be honest about your age, or you’ll be making license plates soon, sweetie. Telling a man he’s a great lover to keep the love train going? (Never a problem in my case, incidentally.) Get ready for the big house.  Tell a girl you work with she looks like Pam from “The Office?”  Well, no worries there, since she’ll probably opt not to talk to you ever again.

(As long as we’re handing out sentences, the words “I can’t wait to see the ‘Sex and the City Movie’ out of any guy’s mouth should be punishable by death.)

In 1975, a man named Marty Evans was sued by a woman claiming he lied to get her in the sack, and it went all the way to the New York Supreme Court. In his decision in People v. Evans, Justice Edward Greenfield said:

“So bachelors, and other men on the make, fear not. It is still not illegal to feed a girl a line, to continue the attempt [to obtain sex], not to take no for a final answer, at least not the first time. . . . [A] male [will] make promises that will not be kept, . . . indulge in exaggeration and hyperbole, or to assure any trusting female that, as in the ancient fairy tale, the ugly frog is really the handsome prince.Every man is free under the law, to be a gentleman or a cad.”

Of course, should this bill actually become law, there are fiscal implications, as well. For instance, it might be expensive to turn the State of Montana into a prison big enough to house the entire male population of the United States.  Then again, the entire human race may be eradicated within a decade due to the end of procreation.

(Via the Volokh Conspiracy.)

Think about the thing you care for the most.  Now forget about your new HDTV and think about the thing you care about the second most.  That’s right – your family.  In the event something went terribly wrong, wouldn’t you like to have “family insurance,” just like you have homeowners insurance on your flat screen?  Of course you would.  Read on to find out how your government can help.

With a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage on the statewide ballot in 2006, the issue of state government’s role in the institution of marriage was at front and center in Wisconsin.  Some questioned why government has a role at all in marriage, which they argued is solely a religious institution.

The bottom line is that government does have its greasy fingers in your marriage.  State law dictates how marriages are formed, how those marriages may be dissolved, and how the whole mess is sorted out when things go bad.  In fact, Wisconsin state law even prevents someone who is divorced from being remarried within 6 months of their divorce, presumably to protect people from the horrors of marrying you.
Yet, there’s one area where government doesn’t help marriages nearly enough, which is why I’d like to propose a new law strengthening our households.  Think about what we do to insure ourselves against catastrophic events when they happen to individuals we love: We have a backup plan. The President has a Vice President.  The Packers have assistant coaches.  Ronald McDonald has Grimace.  That is why I am proposing the groundbreaking “Vice Wife” law.

In the event something horrible happens to your spouse, wouldn’t it make perfect sense to have a backup at the ready to assume those duties?  If your wife were to be pummeled to death by a kangaroo at the zoo, would she really want you to suffer, alone and miserable, while having to take care of the rest of your family duties?  I know your wife, and I think not. Who would take care of the kids while you spent all your time in court suing the kangaroo? The law would work like this:  A husband could direct one single woman to be his Vice Wife, eligible to take over marital duties should his “primary” wife die horribly and unexpectedly.

The rules are as follows:

• The Vice Wife has to agree to serve in this capacity – obviously, the husband can’t just pick anyone, regardless of how appealing that might be.  (I’d love to see Katherine Heigl’s face when she gets the call explaining she has to make me pancakes every morning.)

• The husband may not have any physical contact with the VW while his primary wife is still alive.  Any funny business with the Vice Wife is punishable by having to serve as the Brewers’ closer for the remainder of the season.

• For taking part in the Vice Wife program, the VW gets to pay her taxes on May 15th instead of April 15th.  She also gets one small free Wendy’s Frosty per month.

• If you actually cause the death of your wife, you forfeit the ability to take part in the program.  (Chances are, your Vice Wife will be assigned to you by the Wisconsin penal system.)  If your Vice Wife is significantly hotter than your regular wife (as determined by me), you are presumed guilty in any and all circumstances where your wife dies of unnatural causes.

Now, I realize the Legislature is out of session until next January.  But once lawmakers read this proposal, chances are they’re going to want to call a special session and bring everyone back into town to get this done.  I imagine there will be a lot of lights on in the Capitol late into the night finalizing the legal language on this groundbreaking new law. Of course, the only people that would oppose such a law are “pro-wife” groups, but they’re always nagging us to do things and we’ve all tuned them out anyway.  They can usually be dismissed with a wave and a grunt.  After all, this proposal is meant to strengthen the family by restoring order in a time of crisis.  Who would oppose such a thing?  Selfish, unreasonable wives, that’s who.
Of course, this program could work for women, too.  Certainly my wife will need a warm body to hold the couch down to the floor and make sure all the oatmeal cream pies get eaten in the (now extremely likely) event of my demise.

So here’s the plan of action, fatty: put down that gyro, print this column out, rush home, and explain the new plan to your wife.  It is likely she will immediately recognize that this proposal is what’s best for keeping your family strong in a time of crisis.  However, just in case she is too excited about this plan, you might want to make sure you have a sturdy protective cover over your lower abdomen and are wearing a football helmet.