Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist

Month: December 2007 (page 2 of 2)

Does Arkansas Heart Huckabee?

December 6, 2007 / / 0 Comments

During presidential campaigns, accusations are flying around so fast it helps to go back and examine the basis for many of the charges you hear. As Mike Huckabee surges in the presidential polls, I thought it would be instructive to go back and look at what the people of Arkansas thought of him as governor.

Huckabee\’s biography in the 2006 Almanac of American Politics pretty much says it all.  In fact, it\’s one of the more negative biographies you\’ll find – with some amazing stuff:

Huckabee started making astonishing mistakes; his job rating plummeted from 70% to 50%. Huckabee had a penchant for granting pardons; one felon he paroled in 1996 committed a murder in Missouri. In July 2001, he commuted the sentence of the stepson of an administrative aide in the governor\’s office whose criminal record went back to 1972. In June 2002, he fired the head of the AASIS (Arkansas Administrative Statewide Information System) project, who promptly told reporters he and other employees had been pressured for campaign contributions and that Huckabee had tried to stifle news of cost overruns–nearly 100%–during the election year. Huckabee also had been in the practice of receiving large gifts; he reported a total of $112,000 in 1999, which included $23,000 in clothes from one state appointee. Huckabee responded–in an election year!–with a lawsuit to allow him to receive more gifts and another lawsuit to stop the state ethics commission from investigating him.

Another self-inflicted wound came in March 2002, when Huckabee\’s wife announced she was running for secretary of state. Janet Huckabee was known for her daredevil antics–bungee jumping, skydiving, jet skiing, kayaking–and for her oversight of the two-year renovation of the Governor\’s Mansion, a time when the Huckabees lived in a triple-wide on the mansion grounds. She insisted on a 24-hour state police detail while campaigning across the state; when that was challenged, she at first said she had no control over it, then promised to pay the cost, then said she would pay only up to $500. Meanwhile, Jimmie Lou Fisher, with teachers\’ union support, called for spending $133 million more for education; she said she would find the money from waste, fraud and abuse, or perhaps from a lottery (though she opposed one). She got more mileage by attacking AASIS and criticizing Huckabee\’s grants of clemency and acceptance of gifts. Mike Huckabee won by only 53%-47%, while Janet Huckabee lost 62%-38%. Huckabee called the campaign \”a kidney stone that takes six months to pass.\”

[…]

In January 2004 the state Supreme Court hired two former justices as special masters to redesign school finance if the legislature failed to act; consultants had already proposed an $847 million increase to the $1.7 billion state education budget. In February 2004 the House approved a $377 million sales tax increase, with consolidation of districts with less than 350 pupils; Huckabee let it become law without his signature. Criticized for supporting the largest tax increase in Arkansas history, Huckabee said, \”Pure conservatism means lean and responsible government, not mean and irresponsible government.\”

[…]

Huckabee made news in other ways. Diagnosed with Type II diabetes in 2003, he lost some 110 pounds over the next year or so. He quit eating fried foods and sweets and started exercising regularly; he showed his progress by toting a 90-pound girl around a school gym. In May 2004 he started a Healthy Arkansas initiative, to discourage bad eating habits and smoking; no smoking was allowed within 25 feet of state buildings, and the state started paying for nicotine patches. Parents were given children\’s health report cards. He started a Get Five fruits and vegetables a day initiative and eschewed an old favorite, fried Twinkies. Huckabee said he wanted government to \”model healthy behavior,\” but he still opposed a ban on smoking in restaurants.

What?  His wife ran for statewide office and went negative on her husband to pick up votes?  This sounds more like an episode of \”The Beverly Hillbillies\” than a presidential campaign.

Which really is too bad – people looking for a viable alternative to the GOP presidential frontrunners thought they had one in the likeable Huckabee.  Unfortunately, despite his new devotion to physical fitness, he may not be able to outrun his Arkansas past.

The Great Debate: Frankfurter Edition

December 5, 2007 / / 0 Comments

While presidential candidates continue their banal debates about things of no consequence, we here at \”The Trousers\” have decided to institute a new \”Point-Counterpoint\” feature to debate the things that really matter.

The other day, Dr. Emil Shuffhausen and I were walking down State Street, when I posited one of my more controversial, and previously unstated, theories. I told him that I thought the bun constituted about 80% of the taste of a hot dog. He immediately gave me the stink eye, and accused me of only saying that to be unnecessarily provocative.

The challenge thus being issued, we decided to take this debate public. We figured this was more constructive than settling things by taking turns slapping each other in the face with our gloves. Here is my buttal, followed by the Doctor\’s rebuttal. Any doctoral student looking to use this topic for their dissertation must first get permission from the authors.

PRO: \”The importance of the bun is often understated\”

By Chris Schneider

Who among us can resist a nice warm, steamed, poppy-seed bun? The answer? Nobody.

The bun is really the basis from which the rest of the hot dog derives its taste. Think about it – you can take an average tasting dog and put it in a great bun, and suddenly you have a delicious frankfurter. Conversely, if you have a delicious hot dog wrapped in a crusty, dry bun, it ruins it completely. Your lips just can\’t get over being presented with such an inhospitable first impression.

As you can see, Dr. Shuffhausen is a hot dog novice, as evidenced by his contention that the bun only serves to protect one\’s hands from \”mustard and ketchup.\” Any tube steak veteran will tell you that ketchup has no place near a hot dog, nor in any discussion thereof. To quote the Beastie Boys, his arguments are \”cheaper than a hot dog with no mustard.\” Being lectured on hot dogs by such a novice is like being lectured on political correctness by Michael Richards.

Furthermore, Dr. Shuffhausen\’s position has been bought and sold by \”Big Wiener.\” He clearly no longer represents the middle class taste buds of Wisconsin. His license to practice medicine should be immediately revoked.

I realize that taking this position (as well as my lack of a law degree) might very well hamper my chances of one day being a U.S. Supreme Court justice. But it needed to be said.

Vote bun \’08.

CON: \”No F***ing Way\”

By Dr. Emil Shuffausen (of the Shuffhausen clinic in Vienna)

While I readily concede that the hot dog bun is rich in bunly goodness, my counterpoint is the exact opposite position of Mr. Schneider\’s. I submit that the taste importance ratio of a hot dog is 80:20 processed meat emulsion to bread.

While I know Mr. Schneider will just accuse me of being corrupt, the evidence supporting my position is, frankly (guffaw), overwhelming. In fact, I was willing to go face to face with Big Weiner – and who has the guts to do that?

The bun is the comparatively tasteless delivery vehicle that transports its more flavorful passenger to one\’s mouth without getting one\’s hands full of mustard and ketchup. (The \”meat between bread\” food delivery method was of course invented by John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich. Coincidentally, one of John Montagu\’s contemporaries, Albert Autumnbottom, 3rd Earl of Doritos, brought us the nacho cheese-flavored snack that so perfectly accompanies a sandwich.)

In a pinch, any old folded piece of bread can substitute for a bun. When eating a hot dog, can you tell the difference between a Brownberry hot dog bun and a Gardners hot dog bun? Me neither. However, suggesting that there is no difference between a Usinger\’s, a Klement\’s or and Oscar Mayer dog is liable to incite a fistfight in some parts of the state.

Finally, when legendary competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi squared off against the bear in the ultimate contest between man and beast, buns were not even on the table.

Case closed.

UPDATE: As a counter-rebuttal, Dr. Shuffhausen pointed out today that I am \”firmly wedged inbetween the grasp of big buns.\”

Also, my wife and I went to a movie last night to celebrate her birthday. As we walked into Hilldale Mall, I was explaining to her my hot dog theory (she firmly sides with Shuffhausen). We passed a woman walking with her kids who obviously overheard my explanation. As we got about 30 feet away, the woman turned and yelled \”HE\’S RIGHT – IT\’S ALL ABOUT THE BUN!\” I immediately declared victory and took a lap around University Bookstore, high-fiving the employees.

A note to that wonderful woman – Dr. Shuffhausen has vowed to track you down at your home to provide a personal rebuttal.

Starting Up the "Machete" Oscar Buzz

December 5, 2007 / / 0 Comments

The other night, I watched Robert Rodriguez\’ movie \”Planet Terror.\” The best part of the film happened to be a fake trailer for the phony movie \”Machete\” that runs at the very beginning of the main feature.

The hypothetical plot goes something like this, as far as I can tell: An illegal immigrant is hired to kill an anti-illegal immigration senator, only to find out he was framed – so that the senator can make immigrants look bad by pointing to the fact that one tried to kill him. \”Machete\” then goes on a rampage of revenge, which leads to a lot of bloodshed and some classic tag lines.

Should this movie ever actually be made, the chances of me going to see it are exactly 100%.

Here\’s the trailer – and be warned, it is most certainly not safe for work. But it is hilarious.

The Mount Rushmore of Crazy People

December 4, 2007 / / 0 Comments

Just when I thought my chain of posts featuring crazy constituent letters was coming to an end, this letter fell to me like manna from heaven. Several Capitol offices sent to to me, as it was sent to every state legislator in the United States.

Like great jazz, it displays improvisation based on the sound fundamentals of crazy people. It features many of the staples of great crazy people letters – the conspiracy theories, the personal vendettas, the incomprehensible CC list, and so on. But lest you think this is just your run-of-the-mill looney, skip ahead to the cartoon he drew to illustrate his problems with his lender. I\’m not sure who the scariest villain is – although I would like to personally thank Mr. Mozillo for making this guy\’s life a living hell. Without it, he wouldn\’t have been inspired to create such a masterpiece.

Read it here (and as usual, click on the maginifying glass at the top right to make it bigger). You can scroll through the pages by using the arrows at the top. And make sure you\’re not drinking anything at the time.

Want to Pass a Bill? Get a Good Mascot

December 3, 2007 / / 0 Comments

In 2005, the Monster was born. Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle had just used his powerful budget bill veto pen to turn a proposed stoplight in the Village of Oregon into “The Department of Administration can spend $427 million any way they want.”

Immediately, state legislators began to realize how the Governor’s partial veto power upset the balance of power between the branches of government. The Governor’s ability to cherry pick parts of sentences to create laws never intended by the legislature usurped their ability to speak for their constituents.

In July of 2005, senate staffers met to figure out how to pitch a constitutional amendment to correct this veto practice by the governor. I was among them. I had already been over to the Legislative Reference Bureau library and researched the legislative history of proposals to rein in the governor’s partial veto. We decided we should re-introduce a 1991 joint resolution authored by Democrats during the Tommy Thompson administration – many of whom were still in the legislature. This would pressure Democrats into passing it. If we changed a word of the resolution, Democrats could argue we were changing the intent of what they originally proposed for a Republican governor. The resolution, as written fourteen years earlier by Democrats, prohibited the governor from using parts of sentences to form a completely new sentence – exactly what Doyle had done in the most recent budget.

The next step was coming up with a hook – something that the press and constituents could understand. As noted, efforts had been made in the past to do what we were trying to do – to little avail. Somehow, “altering the governor’s partial veto authority” hadn’t exactly set the public’s imagination on fire. After a brief brainstorming session, we settled on calling it “The Frankenstein Veto,” as the practice created monstrous new laws by stitching together old sentences. We shopped the idea around to other senate offices, and they agreed to use it (although Senator Scott Fitzgerald demanded the ability to pronounce it “Fron – ken –shteen,” as they do in the Mel Brooks movie.)

My boss at the time, Senator Harsdorf, was very hesitant to use the term. She’s a wonderful legislator, but also very serious about her work. She was justifiably wary of this serious bill becoming too cartoonish. I jokingly offered her a dollar for every time she used the term. Slowly, she started to come around.

On July 30th, a column by Mike Nichols appeared in the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel that used the term publicly for the first time. A Lexis-Nexis search shows that the term has been used in the Journal-Sentinel and the Wisconsin State Journal 178 times since then, in large part due to a crusade by the State Journal to outlaw the practice. The “Frankenstein Veto” has been featured in editorial cartoons and news reports for the past two years. Somebody showed up at the public hearing on the amendment dressed as Frankenstein’s monster – I actually went to a Halloween party where someone went as the “Frankenstein Veto.” Wisconsinites from Amery to Wyocena were starting to understand the concept of the partial veto. As a result, the amendment is poised to pass the State Senate early next year and go to the voters for approval – something that was incomprehensible just two years ago.

The lesson in all this is the following: If you want a bill passed, give it a mascot. People may be slow to understand the intricacies of the governor’s veto authority, but they certainly understand how Dr. Frankenstein breathed life into his monster.

Perhaps the most telling indication of the success of the “Frankenstein” term is how it is now being misused. As noted, the amendment applies to a very specific use of veto authority – stitching together words to form a new sentence. There are still options for the governor to use, such as vetoing words within a sentence to change the meaning of the sentence. Yet because the current proposed amendment doesn’t change that practice, some have said that it doesn’t “kill Frankenstein.” Interesting that they would presume to tell the authors of the bill what their own term means.

In fact, when the legislature gets around to prohibiting the governor from punching holes within sentences by vetoing individual words, I have a few suggestions:

The “swiss cheese” veto

The “donut hole” veto

The “Mike Tyson Punch Out” veto

In fact, the whole mascot trend could help both parties, if they took a cue from Smokey the Bear, Mr. Yuk, and the AFLAC Duck. Who could say no to funding the “domestic partner benefits kangaroo,” or supporting the “end partial birth abortion lemur?” You think the legislature could have turned down the Taxpayers Bill of Rights had it been represented by an alligator wearing sunglasses? Think again. Of course, once every cause has its own mascot, the good government groups will demand legislation seeking to lessen the influence of cartoon beavers on the legislative process.

 

Behold Wisconsin History

December 3, 2007 / / 0 Comments

The Wisconsin Historical Society is a wonderful repository of arcane tidbits about our state’s lineage.  To show that they leave no detail unturned, feel free to visit the online photo gallery they have dedicated to Wisconsin’s Historical Beards.

This page is great news if you happen to be a fan of, say, Miletus Knight.  And who can forget ol’ Edward Thomas Owen?

I would have to say, however, that my favorite has to be this picture, entitled “Man With Small Beard.”It barely beats out its closest competitor, “Man With Beard.”

So It’s Really Come to This?

December 3, 2007 / / 0 Comments

John Edwards commercial running in Iowa:

You need to a flashplayer enabled browser to view this YouTube video

Is this really what the health care debate has come down to?  We need to bankrupt the U.S. economy because members of Congress get health benefits?

Incidentally, as George Will points out, Edwards doesn’t have the authority to take anything from Congress, as their health care is statutorily granted.  But it’s nice to know Edwards’ plan is essentially to increase the number of uninsured in America.

Tired of the “Cranky” E-Mails

December 3, 2007 / / 0 Comments

There’s a topic known to all internet users that doesn’t get nearly the discussion it deserves. In fact, as a worldwide threat, it is second only to al-Qaeda in terms of danger to America. It threatens to bring down the economy and cripple work productivity. I am talking, of course, about the worldwide scourge of penis e-mails.

For some reason, in the past week, I’ve been flooded with these damn e-mails. (And for my own sake, I hope everyone gets these – I would hate to think I am being singled out specifically by the penis enhancement industry.) Just in the last week, I’ve received some of these erudite beauties:

  • tired of pulling your pole? start taking penis pills today
  • In company ladies may declare, that man’s skill as a lover is much more significant, than the length of his willy. But we all know, that privately, they confess to the contrary! In actual fact that massive pen!s is more mighty and exciting! MegaDik will help you to become more competitive as a lover!
  • Believe us, she will appreciate it very much to discover bigger one-eyed python in your pants!
  • stop paying for sex dummy! get all the girls with a big c**k
  • Impressive F***stick!

Notice these Mensa candidates have managed to completely confuse my spam filter by substituting a “!” for the “i” in “penis.” There’s an 80% chance my spam program was written by U.S. border security.

Obviously, someone must reply to these e-mails. Otherwise, why would anyone take the time to send them out to everyone in the world? Again, I hope everyone gets them – otherwise, I’m part of a select “penis database” kept in the basement of the Trilateral Commission, or they’re being sent to me by someone from my health club.

Either way, these e-mails defy any standard of logic. First of all, as I’ve pointed out repeatedly, 98% of the hard work is finding someone who will actually want to be in the same room as your exposed weiner. Once you’ve convinced a woman that you’re not storing anthrax in your penis, it’s pretty much gravy from there on out. Its “tale of the tape” is pretty much a side issue.

That being said, how many guys are like “oh, man, the reason I can’t meet girls is because my crank is too small?” It’s actually more likely because they’re still wearing a digital watch.

Furthermore, who are these hypothetical women that notice your penis size even before you meet? Put it this way – if the first thing a woman sees of yours is your love muscle, you better damn well have your credit card ready.

I’d just love to be there when a guy asks a girl out for the first time, and she says, “You know, Chris, I think you’re a great guy and you’re really smart and funny and everything, but… and I hate to say it… but your one-eyed python just isn’t massive enough for me. In fact, I know this great website…”

On top of that, who are the remaining people in the world that think their “size” can be enhanced by some magic pills purchased on the internet? That’s just crazy. Everyone knows that the only realistic way to “enhance” your manhood is to make all of the furniture in your apartment 20% smaller. Expensive, but effective.

Finally, how is it that with all the people working on worthwhile causes, the only junk e-mails I get are from scam artists? How come I never get spam from the “Save Darfur” people? Yet some guy in his basement working for the penis black market was able to track me down. How is it that the penis pill people have gotten their hands on the most powerful spamming program known to man – shouldn’t this concern us a little bit? This is like Iran having nukes. Is INTERPOL too busy tracking down people copying DVDs in their basements?

Whenever they catch the bastards in charge of flooding my e-mail box with this junk, they better get the stiffest penalties possible.

(Too easy, I know… I could go on all day…)

UPDATE: Honest to God, as I was writing this post, I got the following e-mail:

“If your warrior of love is too small, you may lose this war”

We Have Our Tenth Rule of the Road

December 1, 2007 / / 0 Comments

Congratulations to Casper for suggesting \”The Timid Merger\” round out the top ten list of people on the road that drive a guy nuts. There were several good entries, but this one was my favorite.

Just what is the mindset of The Timid Merger anyway? \”Hmm, traffic\’s moving pretty fast on the highway. I\’d better try merging with those cars doing seventy by going thirty.\”

Equally rotten, though, is \”The Overly-Aggressive Merger.\” He\’s the guy that just flies onto the highway sans blinker who just expects you\’re going to make way for him. Appropriate punishment for him is to spin him out by nudging the corner of his back bumper. I see this work all the time on World\’s Scariest Police Video\’s. (Quick side bar on World\’s Scariest Police Video\’s, how totally awesome is the guy that narrates that show? He could make a million dollars in a week if he offered to be the voice on people\’s answering machine for ten bucks.)

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