Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist

Day: December 3, 2007

Want to Pass a Bill? Get a Good Mascot

In 2005, the Monster was born. Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle had just used his powerful budget bill veto pen to turn a proposed stoplight in the Village of Oregon into “The Department of Administration can spend $427 million any way they want.”

Immediately, state legislators began to realize how the Governor’s partial veto power upset the balance of power between the branches of government. The Governor’s ability to cherry pick parts of sentences to create laws never intended by the legislature usurped their ability to speak for their constituents.

In July of 2005, senate staffers met to figure out how to pitch a constitutional amendment to correct this veto practice by the governor. I was among them. I had already been over to the Legislative Reference Bureau library and researched the legislative history of proposals to rein in the governor’s partial veto. We decided we should re-introduce a 1991 joint resolution authored by Democrats during the Tommy Thompson administration – many of whom were still in the legislature. This would pressure Democrats into passing it. If we changed a word of the resolution, Democrats could argue we were changing the intent of what they originally proposed for a Republican governor. The resolution, as written fourteen years earlier by Democrats, prohibited the governor from using parts of sentences to form a completely new sentence – exactly what Doyle had done in the most recent budget.

The next step was coming up with a hook – something that the press and constituents could understand. As noted, efforts had been made in the past to do what we were trying to do – to little avail. Somehow, “altering the governor’s partial veto authority” hadn’t exactly set the public’s imagination on fire. After a brief brainstorming session, we settled on calling it “The Frankenstein Veto,” as the practice created monstrous new laws by stitching together old sentences. We shopped the idea around to other senate offices, and they agreed to use it (although Senator Scott Fitzgerald demanded the ability to pronounce it “Fron – ken –shteen,” as they do in the Mel Brooks movie.)

My boss at the time, Senator Harsdorf, was very hesitant to use the term. She’s a wonderful legislator, but also very serious about her work. She was justifiably wary of this serious bill becoming too cartoonish. I jokingly offered her a dollar for every time she used the term. Slowly, she started to come around.

On July 30th, a column by Mike Nichols appeared in the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel that used the term publicly for the first time. A Lexis-Nexis search shows that the term has been used in the Journal-Sentinel and the Wisconsin State Journal 178 times since then, in large part due to a crusade by the State Journal to outlaw the practice. The “Frankenstein Veto” has been featured in editorial cartoons and news reports for the past two years. Somebody showed up at the public hearing on the amendment dressed as Frankenstein’s monster – I actually went to a Halloween party where someone went as the “Frankenstein Veto.” Wisconsinites from Amery to Wyocena were starting to understand the concept of the partial veto. As a result, the amendment is poised to pass the State Senate early next year and go to the voters for approval – something that was incomprehensible just two years ago.

The lesson in all this is the following: If you want a bill passed, give it a mascot. People may be slow to understand the intricacies of the governor’s veto authority, but they certainly understand how Dr. Frankenstein breathed life into his monster.

Perhaps the most telling indication of the success of the “Frankenstein” term is how it is now being misused. As noted, the amendment applies to a very specific use of veto authority – stitching together words to form a new sentence. There are still options for the governor to use, such as vetoing words within a sentence to change the meaning of the sentence. Yet because the current proposed amendment doesn’t change that practice, some have said that it doesn’t “kill Frankenstein.” Interesting that they would presume to tell the authors of the bill what their own term means.

In fact, when the legislature gets around to prohibiting the governor from punching holes within sentences by vetoing individual words, I have a few suggestions:

The “swiss cheese” veto

The “donut hole” veto

The “Mike Tyson Punch Out” veto

In fact, the whole mascot trend could help both parties, if they took a cue from Smokey the Bear, Mr. Yuk, and the AFLAC Duck. Who could say no to funding the “domestic partner benefits kangaroo,” or supporting the “end partial birth abortion lemur?” You think the legislature could have turned down the Taxpayers Bill of Rights had it been represented by an alligator wearing sunglasses? Think again. Of course, once every cause has its own mascot, the good government groups will demand legislation seeking to lessen the influence of cartoon beavers on the legislative process.

 

Behold Wisconsin History

The Wisconsin Historical Society is a wonderful repository of arcane tidbits about our state’s lineage.  To show that they leave no detail unturned, feel free to visit the online photo gallery they have dedicated to Wisconsin’s Historical Beards.

This page is great news if you happen to be a fan of, say, Miletus Knight.  And who can forget ol’ Edward Thomas Owen?

I would have to say, however, that my favorite has to be this picture, entitled “Man With Small Beard.”It barely beats out its closest competitor, “Man With Beard.”

So It’s Really Come to This?

John Edwards commercial running in Iowa:

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Is this really what the health care debate has come down to?  We need to bankrupt the U.S. economy because members of Congress get health benefits?

Incidentally, as George Will points out, Edwards doesn’t have the authority to take anything from Congress, as their health care is statutorily granted.  But it’s nice to know Edwards’ plan is essentially to increase the number of uninsured in America.

Tired of the “Cranky” E-Mails

There’s a topic known to all internet users that doesn’t get nearly the discussion it deserves. In fact, as a worldwide threat, it is second only to al-Qaeda in terms of danger to America. It threatens to bring down the economy and cripple work productivity. I am talking, of course, about the worldwide scourge of penis e-mails.

For some reason, in the past week, I’ve been flooded with these damn e-mails. (And for my own sake, I hope everyone gets these – I would hate to think I am being singled out specifically by the penis enhancement industry.) Just in the last week, I’ve received some of these erudite beauties:

  • tired of pulling your pole? start taking penis pills today
  • In company ladies may declare, that man’s skill as a lover is much more significant, than the length of his willy. But we all know, that privately, they confess to the contrary! In actual fact that massive pen!s is more mighty and exciting! MegaDik will help you to become more competitive as a lover!
  • Believe us, she will appreciate it very much to discover bigger one-eyed python in your pants!
  • stop paying for sex dummy! get all the girls with a big c**k
  • Impressive F***stick!

Notice these Mensa candidates have managed to completely confuse my spam filter by substituting a “!” for the “i” in “penis.” There’s an 80% chance my spam program was written by U.S. border security.

Obviously, someone must reply to these e-mails. Otherwise, why would anyone take the time to send them out to everyone in the world? Again, I hope everyone gets them – otherwise, I’m part of a select “penis database” kept in the basement of the Trilateral Commission, or they’re being sent to me by someone from my health club.

Either way, these e-mails defy any standard of logic. First of all, as I’ve pointed out repeatedly, 98% of the hard work is finding someone who will actually want to be in the same room as your exposed weiner. Once you’ve convinced a woman that you’re not storing anthrax in your penis, it’s pretty much gravy from there on out. Its “tale of the tape” is pretty much a side issue.

That being said, how many guys are like “oh, man, the reason I can’t meet girls is because my crank is too small?” It’s actually more likely because they’re still wearing a digital watch.

Furthermore, who are these hypothetical women that notice your penis size even before you meet? Put it this way – if the first thing a woman sees of yours is your love muscle, you better damn well have your credit card ready.

I’d just love to be there when a guy asks a girl out for the first time, and she says, “You know, Chris, I think you’re a great guy and you’re really smart and funny and everything, but… and I hate to say it… but your one-eyed python just isn’t massive enough for me. In fact, I know this great website…”

On top of that, who are the remaining people in the world that think their “size” can be enhanced by some magic pills purchased on the internet? That’s just crazy. Everyone knows that the only realistic way to “enhance” your manhood is to make all of the furniture in your apartment 20% smaller. Expensive, but effective.

Finally, how is it that with all the people working on worthwhile causes, the only junk e-mails I get are from scam artists? How come I never get spam from the “Save Darfur” people? Yet some guy in his basement working for the penis black market was able to track me down. How is it that the penis pill people have gotten their hands on the most powerful spamming program known to man – shouldn’t this concern us a little bit? This is like Iran having nukes. Is INTERPOL too busy tracking down people copying DVDs in their basements?

Whenever they catch the bastards in charge of flooding my e-mail box with this junk, they better get the stiffest penalties possible.

(Too easy, I know… I could go on all day…)

UPDATE: Honest to God, as I was writing this post, I got the following e-mail:

“If your warrior of love is too small, you may lose this war”