Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist

Month: June 2007 (page 2 of 2)

Attention Horse "Lovers"

If you were questioning the value of the new Sundance Theater here in Madison, a new movie showing there should put those concerns to rest. According to the synopsis of the movie \”Zoo,\” it is \”a look at the life of a Seattle man who died as a result of an unusual encounter with a horse.\”

\"\"Ummm….that \”unusual\” encounter with a horse happens to be him having sex with the horse. I\’ve had many \”unusal\” encounters with women, and sadly few of them ended with sex (they usually end with her calling the Dairy Queen manager to get me out of the store). I suppose sex with a horse isn\’t unusual… if you happen to be another horse. However, there\’s not much change of horses going to this movie, seeing as how they refuse to pay $4.50 for popcorn.

That leaves humans, which will be able to pay $11.50 for the privilege of seeing this high-brow work of art, described thusly in the Yahoo review:

Visually, the film is quite beautiful, and flows across the screen with a dreamy, ethereal quality. Scenes are often shaded in deep violets and midnight blues, and the many shadowed, slow motion shots move as though underwater.

Oh yeah, and it\’s got a guy banging a horse.

Final thought: Did he have to buy the horse dinner? Oats and an apple is pretty cheap. \”Is that a carrot in your pocket?\”

Well-Considered Brewer Tirade

I was too busy drinking on Saturday night to express my feelings about the state of the Brewers\’ season, so one of my good friends did so for me:

Mark the date and time. Saturday, June 9, 2007. 10:16 pm. The Milwaukee Brewers are mentally destroyed and their playoff hopes are dashed. Yeah, yeah, the Cubs lost too and we\’re still five games up and we play in baseball\’s worst division. Nope, its over. This is a mental nut-punch from Mike Tyson wearing brass knuckles. Wouldn\’t be surprised if the franchise never wins another game.

Where does one even start? Great Sheets start wasted? Check. Great Turnblow 8th where he threw nothing but strikes wasted? Check. Insurance runs in the 9th to make it 3-nil? Its over now cuz CoCo is coming to slam the door….right?

By my count (because I was scoring the game at home), CoCo had the Rangers down to their last strike in the game 47 times. ALL OF THIS HAPPENED WITH TWO OUTS. And it wasn\’t a freak home run. Single, walk, single, single single, single? Can that be right? F***!

Oh well, at least we didn\’t lose two in a row to the team with the worst record in baseball. Oh wait, what\’s that you say? That actually did happen? And we now have seven more road games (six against good teams) before we\’re back home? If we\’re over .500 by the time we get back to Milwaukee it will be a bigger miracle since loaves and fishes.

I swore I would never trust this franchise again. I made a blood oath on the day the Jose Hernandez-led Brewers became the first major league team to ever have more strikeouts than hits in a season (1999?, 2000?). But what did I do this year? I went back to them.

Being a Brewer fan is like being in an abusive marriage. (Gosh, he apologized for pistol-whipping me and said he\’d quit drinking and stop cheating on me. I mean, c\’mon, he\’s only human. Let\’s give the old guy another chance!)

I hope I have this email rubbed in my face three months from now as the Brewers are wrapping up a division title and Prince is clearing space on his mantle for an MVP trophy, but I\’m terrified that tonight was one of those crucial games that will haunt this team; probably forever.

Busted

I don\’t even know if there\’s really a joke here, but this video is instructive…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwgvfp3jlvc]

This kid seems to be the most depressed masturbator ever. It looks like he\’s thinking about 9-11 while he\’s strangling the ostrich. And couldn\’t the mom spring for a magazine, as long as she\’s that open minded about the whole deal?

A Round of Sanitizer On The House

Yet another reason for teenage boys to lock themselves in the bathroom with hand sanitizer:

Instant hand sanitizers have grown in popularity, but there may be reason to keep some of them away from your kids. In a 27 News Parenting Project Medical Alert, there have been recent cases where children have gotten sick from ingesting hand sanitizer. The problem is, many popular brands have very high levels of alcohol…some more than 60-percent which translates to 120 proof.

Is that why after I wash my son\’s hands, he orders a pizza and starts calling all the one year old girls in the neighborhood?

I actually feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan now – it\’s not that she goes out and gets bombed and crashes her car on purpose, it\’s just that she has really dirty hands.

In Search of a Mascot

A friend of mine in the Legislature dug up this little historical tidbit:

In 1945, the Wisconsin Legislature actually had an official mascot – Trooper was a male German Shepherd seeing-eye dog who was made the official legislative mascot by 1945 Joint Resolution 80.  Trooper even got his own picture in the state\’s \”Blue Book,\” which is the biennial almanac of state government.  Here it is:

\"\"

In 2003, when I was working in the Legislature on the Taxpayer\’s Bill of Rights (TABOR), a co-worker of mine and I decided that TABOR really needed a mascot to really give it the momentum it needed. We picked an alligator with sunglasses, which, of course, is the universal symbol of fiscal restraint. Sadly, the cartoon alligator wasn\’t enough to convince the Legislature to pass the constitutional amendment.Â

Of course, this leads one to wonder what an appropriate mascot for the 2007 legislature should be. Feel free to comment with suggestions. Here\’s my first crack at it:

\"\"

Me and Avril

The other day, a friend of mine sent me this video. I\’ll give you a couple minutes to watch as much as you can.

Okay, all done?

Yes, that is the new Avril Lavigne video for her song \”Girlfriend.\” I found this all disturbing on many levels, not the least of which is the fact that my friend is an Avril Lavigne fan. (In fact, see my previous posts for proof that Canada is secretly taking over our country.)

First of all, from what I could tell by looking her up, Avril Lavigne is 23 years old. In this video, however, she looks like she could be 15. I feel like after watching it, I am now going to have to report my new address to the Department of Corrections every time I move.

But what\’s really odd about it is how it reflects the new ethos among American teenage girls. This makes me seem really old, but I actually remember the days where boys were the ones that actually did the chasing and the girls were the ones who showed some sort of discretion in picking who to \”date\” (if that term still even exists).

Back in my high school years, it was the days of girls wearing big sweaters and stirrup pants. Modesty actually was still considered somewhat of a virtue. The drill was pretty well set: I asked girls out, and they said no. Girls as aggressors didn\’t really happen. It was the natural balance of the universe. (I am, of course, blaming the fact that I could never get a date on cultural factors, rather than the fact that I was a zitty geek. In fact, I asked the same girl to the homecoming dance for four straight years – she said no the first three, then finally relented our senior year.)

This even leads to a broader point about \”female empowerment,\” even if it is at the high school level. Why does \”feminism\” usually mean \”women being as boorish as men?\” If we\’re truly after equality between the sexes, why does that necessarily mean we need to accept women doing all the obnoxious stuff men do? Couldn\’t we also attain some level of egalitarianism by expecting better behavior by men?

It just seems that if we\’re looking to level the playing field, we should be expecting more of people, not less. I don\’t know of anybody who would look at the problems of the world and decide that what we need is more people acting like frat guys.

And…. scene.

Clips of Note

Clip 1:

It\’s Business Time

H/T: DD

Clip 2:

Possibly the funniest fight scene ever recorded:

H/T: Sports Guy

The Battle for the Liberal Conscience

Every now and then, an issue comes along that pits different factions within the same political philosophy against one another. Friends become combatants, neighbors become enemies, dogs refuse to sniff each other – on and on it goes.

In Wisconsin, school choice has traditionally been such an issue. Democrats that represent inner city Milwaukee largely support the program, as it benefits their constituents the most. Democrats from the rest of Wisconsin continually attempt to undermine or eliminate the program, which often causes a good deal of internecine tension within the Democratic ranks.

Such an issue has developed this legislative session pertaining to state investment in companies that contribute to genocide in Sudan. Three years ago, the Sudanese government, backed by a militant Arab militia, moved to crush opposition to state control of the Darfur region’s rich agricultural resources. The conflict has left 450,000 people dead and has driven an estimated 2 million people from their homes. The genocide practiced by the Sudanese government has yielded reports of human mutilation, maiming, rape, and widespread property destruction.

In response to the Darfur genocide, thirteen U.S. states have passed laws that eliminate state investment in companies who do business in Sudan. Another eighteen states are currently debating bills to do so, and Wisconsin is among them. (Full disclosure: The Wisconsin Senate Bill’s author is my former boss.) Currently, Wisconsin has about $110 million invested in companies identified as contributors to the genocide in Sudan. The legislation targets companies, primarily Chinese contractors, which aid the Sudanese government directly – companies who actually attempt to aid the refugees aren’t affected.

Political liberals have taken the Darfur genocide on as a primary international human rights issue. Wisconsin Democratic Senator Russ Feingold has been a leader in Congress pushing for divestment of funds in Sudan, as has presidential candidate Barack Obama. Celebrities such as George Clooney and Don Cheadle have pushed for divestment bills all across the country. Some of popular music’s biggest names recently contributed songs to a Save Darfur album, sponsored by Amnesty International.

Supporters of divestment rightfully argue that there should be a higher standard under which we invest public money. Taxpayer dollars shouldn’t be used to fund genocide, and attempts can be made to find alternate investments that may bring equal returns. One can question how effective the legislation will be, but supporters of the bill argue that just because divestment in Wisconsin may not solve all the problems in Darfur, that’s not an excuse to do nothing.

However, there’s a problem – genocide actually happens to be wildly profitable. When Wisconsin invests in companies that aid the Sudanese government, it yields lucrative returns for the state’s pension fund. WEAC, the state’s largest teachers’ union, has lobbied vigorously against the bill, fearing diminishing returns for their members’ pensions. Suddenly, an organization whose primary mission is to insulate its own members from free market forces sounds downright Friedman-esque in its defense of international investment strategy.

It’s fascinating to see the same people who complain about “excessive” oil company profits turn around and justify profit derived from genocide, as long as it boosts their own pensions. Suddenly, Democrats who spend their political lives railing against “obscene” pharmaceutical profits become champions of the free market when it pads their own wallets. Apparently, drug companies investing their revenue in more research and development to keep grandma alive is more objectionable than taxpayer money buying guns and machetes to kill thousands of Sudanese.

Of course, the state could pull its pension investments out of oil and pharmaceutical companies if their outrage was sincere, but since the game is mostly about scoring political points, state employees will continue to share in these “record profits.”

WEAC’s lobbying appears to have ground the Wisconsin legislation to a halt. A public hearing was held in the Democrat-controlled Senate on March 28th of 2007, but no vote has been taken. It appears that the liberals dependent on state government paychecks are winning over the liberals whose consciences won’t allow them to aid in the ethnic cleansing of non-Arab Africans.

Whether divestment of Wisconsin government funds will make any real difference in Sudan is up for debate. However, one thing is sure – if government unions have their say, we will never know.

New Feed Info

For those of you that use newsreaders, I\’ve changed my feed. You can now access it at:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/atomictrousers

Otherwise, just click on the feed icon on the right side of the page.

I\’m not even sure what this all means, or why I\’m doing it.

Time To End All Imegrashun

One thing struck me about the National Spelling Bee last night – there were three Canadian spellers in the finals. Who let all these immigrants into our spelling bee? Isn’t it the NATIONAL spelling bee? Are these kids from Canada willing to spell words that our American kinds aren’t?

According to the Washington Post:

The 80th annual bee began Wednesday with nearly 300 students traveling from across the country; some also came from Europe, Guam, Jamaica, American Samoa and New Zealand. Three finalists were from Canada.

First of all, kids from Canada on average are smarter merely because Paris Hilton doesn’t live in their country. That raises the Canadian national IQ by about 10 points per person. Secondly, Canada is secretly plotting to take over America\’s most sacred institutions. You think it’s just coincidence that Steve Nash won two straight MVP awards? If we don’t fight them now, your kids will be speaking Canadian.

On the other hand, this influx of immigrant spellers could provide Scripps-Howard with a valuable marketing opportunity if they play their cards right. They could set it up like the old WWF, where the Nikolai Volkoff and the Iron Sheik come on and insult Americans before they do their spelling. Can you imagine the tension when the kid from Al-Qaeda stands up, spells “quixotic,” and wishes death to America before he settles back into his seat? It would be the greatest TV show ever.

And as long as we’re on the topic of spelling bees, and since everything is always about me, I thought I\’d relay my spelling bee story. Back in 5th grade, I worked my tail off to excel in spelling bees. I won my class, school, city, and county spelling bees, and went to the state bee in Richmond, Virginia. (I punctuated my school bee victory by thrusting my arms in the air and falling to the floor, like I had just won the Tour de France.)

At the state bee, I worked my way into the top 10. If you made it into the top three, you got to go to the national bee (the one on TV last night.) I stood up to spell the word “proctor,” only the guy pronouncing the words had an accent, so I couldn’t totally understand. I even asked him to repeat it a couple times. So I spelled the word “poctor,” not hearing the “r” in his pronounciation. Then, I got dinged.

I was so mad, I took off the cardboard number around by neck, ripped it in half, and threw it on the stage. (If I really were smart, I would have lit it on fire.) I stormed off the stage and out of the auditorium. The next day, there was a picture of me in the Richmond newspaper in my happier times, before I was rudely forced out of the competition. No mention of my meltdown.

Needless to say, my parents were aghast. I think they covered their faces before slinking out of the auditorium. But I had missed my one chance to be a nerd on national television. I may have even been able to meet Jessica Alba – had she been born yet.

So I guess you could say I was the Bad Boy of Virginia Spelling Bees. Kind of like the Dennis Rodman of nerds. Had I gone on to the nationals, I likely would have gone on stage with a cigarette and a flask of Wild Turkey.

Loch Ness Monster Exposed as Right-Wing Theory

Imagine my surprise today when I showed up in a Shepherd Express article about the Stewardship program. Apparently, there aren\’t many conservatives willing to go on record in questioning the program – so I\’m the go-to guy to be \”The Grinch that Stole Earth Day.\”

Anyway, I thought the article was well written, and lays out the typical arguments for the program. Supporting the program is Bud Jordahl, who forgets more about land conservation on a daily basis than I will learn in my lifetime – and whose son I consider to be a friend (as long as he sets good screens for me in basketball).

Anyway, it eventually gets around to me, and says:

Many conservatives balk at the price tag for the program.

\”Despite the current dire economic straits of state government, Doyle continues to rack up the state\’s credit card debt in order to pacify his environmental supporters,\” wrote Christian Schneider in a commentary for the Wisconsin Policy Research Institute.

Schneider also stated that, based on a study by the Legislative Audit Bureau, the DNR is paying more for the land than it\’s really worth. And, what\’s more, the concept of the program is flawed, Schneider argues, based on theoretical right-wing economic theory.

\”According to the Legislative Fiscal Bureau, 18% of Wisconsin\’s total land is currently being held for public conservation by various levels of government – an irony completely missed by advocates of \’affordable housing,\’ who don\’t realize that the more land the government takes off the market, the more expensive the land gets,\” Schneider wrote.

Of course, my points are \”theoretical right-wing economic theory.\” The fact that if something becomes more scarce, it costs more is purely theoretical. The Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, and market forces – all unproven theories.

I\’m also fond of Democrats\’ constant evocation of former Republican Governor Warren Knowles as this great moderate, since he supported Gaylord Nelson\’s land buying program. This is the same Governor Knowles that referred to the Wisconsin Young Democrats as \”homocrats\” when they pushed for the repeal of sodomy laws in 1966.

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