“Are you or have you ever been the worst head coach in the NFL?”

I’m not sure what MySpace is or what it does, but it seems like all the cool people are setting up their own pages. So I set one up (it’s pretty bare bones right now) – you can go see it at:

http://www.myspace.com/dennisyork

I currently have zero friends, which is mildly dispiriting. But I figure if you’re one of my eight readers, it would be a good chance to meet up with other regulars. So start a profile and add me as a “friend.” Unlike your real friends, I won’t ask you to help me move or anything.

Keep checking back for more pictures of me, Katie and Suri.

…By the time construction on East Washington Avenue is complete, cars will be obsolete. We’ll all be flying around, Jetsons-style.

Madison (AP) Attorney General candidate Paul Bucher today ripped Attorney General Peg Lautenschlager for the recent explosion in people digging up corpses to have sex with them. “Peg Lautenschlager has fostered a culture of crime where it’s perfectly normal to do the ‘bone dance’ with dead people, and that has to stop,” said Bucher. When he is Attorney General, “the only ‘stiff’ thing these punks are going to see is a jail sentence,” said Bucher.

Bucher’s attacks on Lautenschlager escalated this week with the introduction of a new radio ad criticizing the Attorney General for her drunk driving arrest two years ago. Some believe the ad is a little curious, since Bucher isn’t currently running against Lautenschlager – he’s running against Republican J.B. Van Hollen for the right to get to the general election. In addition to ads criticizing Lautenschlager, Bucher’s campaign will be unveiling equally relevant ads ripping Kathleen Falk, Kenny Loggins, the Berenstain Bears, Sinbad, Ralph Macchio, left handed people, Gil Gerard, and the guy that played “Boner” on Growing Pains.

At his press conference, Bucher also announced the formation of the new group “Corpses for Bucher,” to be headed up by former governor Lee Sherman Dreyfus, who has been dead for 12 years. In response, Van Hollen formed “People Who are Going to Die Soon for Van Hollen.” Later in the day, Kathleen Falk formed “Citizens With Really Bad Whooping Cough for Falk.”

Dreyfus’ group promised Bucher a sizeable cash contribution as soon as they could get their hands on all the money grandma left to her twelve cats in the will. “Over my f-ing dead cat body,” said family spokesman “Professor Mittens.”

Lautenschlager immediately defended the three Cassville youths that attempted to have sex with a female corpse last week. “They simply just got the personal ads mixed up with the obituaries and zaniness ensued,” said Lautenschlager, who believes that once happened on Three’s Company. Lautenschlager recently announced that she would be digging up the corpse of Jeffrey Dahmer so she could personally try him for some old parking tickets he never paid.

Bucher clarified that his more aggressive enforcement will not apply to men having sex with sleeping women, which would require imprisoning half of Wisconsin’s married men.

I’m always jealous when I hear people say things like “my father used to say…” I can’t really remember anything my Dad ever said to me, other than “you’re not allowed back into this house until you have a job,” when I turned 16 (he meant it, by the way).

As you all know, I have a daughter, who I absolutely love more than anything in the world. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss the chance to impart some fatherly advice to her, in the same way I would to a son.

So I compiled some little tidbits about life that I have learned throughout the years, and decided to leave this post for my (hypothetical) son:

Indispensable Life Lessons for Baby Boy York

1. You will never wear the gear of any other football team than the Packers in my house. Ever.

2. Confidence is cyclical – if you don’t have any, people will be able to tell, which will cause you to have less confidence. The best thing to do is to pretend you have confidence for a week or two, then people will start treating you appropriately.

3. Scientists will never figure out why women feel the need to have a “side” when they eat. If you want to eat a hot dog, stand up and be a man and just eat a hot dog. No green beans or corn is necessary. Unless your mother says so.

4. There is nothing greater in the world than a girl wearing one of your shirts. Absolutely nothing.

5. If at any point you decide that you want to talk about sex, I’m sure that your mother will be happy to tell you what you need to know.

6. Good looking people never have to work for anything. So try to be one of them. And pray that your mother’s genes kick in.

7. High school is hard enough as it is without drinking alcohol. College is pretty easy, so drink as much as you can before you graduate and your heavy drinking starts to creep people out.

8. The number of tattoos you have is directly proportional to how stupid you are.

9. When trying to get dates with girls, learn a little bit about goofy lefty stuff like the environment. Try to impress them by using words like “multinational” and “egalitarian.” After you hook up, tell them you don’t recycle and never call them again.

10. Any woman that touches your remote control has no respect for you.

11. Boobs are like a solar eclipse – never look directly at them. And if you look like me, you’ll see them about as often.

12. There is no life situation that you will encounter that can’t be improved by rice krispie treats.

13. If money is all you ever want in life, it’s all you’ll ever have.

14. Make your first wife your trophy wife.

15. You can never tell me that you love me too much, since I could have a grabber and die any day. When I do die, take good notes of who came to my funeral and who said bad things about me, so I can haunt them from the grave.

16. Growing facial hair is not a substitute for being fit. Growing a goatee to hide your double chin fools nobody – you’re just then a fat guy with a goatee.

17. I get to dictate what kind of haircut you have until you can beat me in Madden on the Playstation.

18. If you ask a girl to homecoming three straight years and she says no each year, she will probably say yes the fourth year. Just trust me on this one.

19. I don’t care what you read growing up, just read something. Reading something beats reading nothing, hands down.

20. There is nothing you can do that a black guy can’t do about 10 times cooler than you.

21. If I had the choice between being a millionaire or having you fall asleep while I rock you to sleep every night, I’d gladly give up the money. In a world with any justice, I’d have both.

22. Be nice to rich people – you will need one to employ you some day.

23. Never try to steal a girlfriend from a guy with long hair. You have no chance.

24. If you really want to meet a girl that you don’t know, the best way is to introduce her to a friend of yours. Just go up and say, “Excuse me, have you met my friend Steve?” 70% of girls will immediately know what you’re up to, and 70% of those girls will give you credit for having the stones to do it.

25. In college, if you miss a couple classes, make sure you ask the cutest girl in the class to borrow her notes. Really lay it on thick until she gives them to you. Of course, you have to go to her apartment to personally return them, and make sure you throw in a funny, thoughtful gift. When you schedule subsequent “study dates,” they absolutely have to be on your home field – otherwise she might actually get the idea that you are sincerely interested in studying.

26. Despite rumors to the contrary, giraffes really don’t have your best interests at heart.

27. Always have a friend that you’re so close to, you consider yourself “porn buddies.” This guy will know where you keep all your porn, so when you die, he can immediately go in and clean it all out before your wife and parents find out what a degenerate you are.

28. Never tell a girl you love her until you’re sure you want to marry her. The damage you can do my prematurely announcing it far outweighs her irritation with you for not saying it soon enough. If she says it too soon, point your fingers at her like six-shooters, say “back atcha,” and run out of the room.

29. Enjoy your early birthdays – old age just brings more things to shave.

30. Sometimes when you your hands get dirty and you have to wash them, the cold water will make you have to pee. When you are done peeing, there’s so sense in washing them again – the disinfecting powers of the soap you applied 30 seconds earlier is strong enough to kill off the wiener germs. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

31. Some of the most magical, enduring memories you have when you are a teenager will occur when you so something that defies my orders. That doesn’t mean you’re not grounded, you little bastard.

32. Always treat women exactly the way you want to be treated. For starters, get naked and hug them as much as possible. They should start getting the idea.

33. If you’re in the West Towne area and feel some intestinal discomfort, I can’t recommend the Pottery Barn bathroom more highly. There are candles, low lights, and incense in there. You couldn’t have a more pleasant pooping experience.

34. When you’re thirteen and I go to one of your athletic award banquets and you pretend not to know me because I embarrass you to your friends, you will feel a lifetime of soul-crushing regret and spend a good portion of your adulthood trying to make up for it.

And, as always:

35. You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Just when you thought all the Packer news was bad these days:

I played my first game of Madden 2007 on my PS2, and the Packers beat the Bears 17-13 (despite five interceptions thrown by Brett Favre). I even created profiles for Jon Ryan and Dave Rayner, and cut Najeh Davenport and Rod Gardner, so it is as realistic as possible.

I can’t possibly see this as anything but a positive harbinger for the Pack. Look for a good season ahead.

So which shows that Democratic State Senate candidate John Lehman has the bigger stones – showing up at the groundbreaking of a veterans’ nursing home that he voted against, or taking credit for a veterans’ home after spending three months in federal prison for draft dodging? You may remember the Vietnam War – it’s the same war that put many of those vets in that home.

So why is it that people need some kind of mascot to explain intangible phenomena? We blame certain happenings on “Father Time,” or “Mother Nature,” as if there’s some old lady sitting around, saying “yeah, I think Wisconsin’s overdue for a tornado. Let’s mix it up.”

Since so few people seem to grasp the idea of the marketplace, I thought it might be helpful to American citizens to provide them with a mascot to talk to. We’ll call him “Monty the Marketplace,” and we’ll give him credit when things we want to buy cost less, and blame him when things we really want cost more. Because, as we all know, it’s some guy that determines the price of everything, not necessarily how much people are actually willing to pay for it.

So thank you, Monty, for gas being 30 cents cheaper this week – without any government intervention.

And damn you, Monty, for being slow to make 50 inch plasma TVs more affordable. As a result, I will be denied my constitutional right to watch the Packers suck in high definition this year.

My nomination for the official “Monty Marketplace” mascot: