Los Angeles (AP) – Infanticide was given a new name today when Jack Bauer\’s illegitimate fetus killed an abortionist attempting to terminate the pregnancy. The fetus, sensing he was in \”flank two\” position, grabbed a pair of scissors from the doctor and jabbed them into his neck. The fetus killed four other hospital employees by forcing them to watch a clip of Chloe O\’Brian\’s acting.

Bauer\’s ex-girlfriend, Department of Defense employee Audrey Raines, decided to terminate her pregnancy when she believed Bauer was dead for 18 months. As Grandma always used to say when tucking me into bed, \”a dead child is better than an unwanted child.\” While he was presumed dead, Bauer hid out where he knew nobody would see him: by starring in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.

The cause of death for the abortionist was listed as \”Fetus playing by its own rules, practicing its own vigilante brand of gestation.\” The fetus\’ willingess to fight back has inspired thousands of embryos to grow up to be just like him. In fact, a recent fertility clinic had to be closed down when it was discovered that the sperm were sneaking grenades into the donation rooms.

Before the attempted abortion, the Counter Terrorist Unit (CTU) downloaded the blueprints for the entire clinic to the fetus\’ cell phone, which apparently never runs out of batteries. The fetus was tipped off to the abortion attempt by former President David Palmer, who intercepted some chatter on the set of his latest Allstate Insurance commercial. CTU was especially busy that day, as every crazy relative of each employee decided to show up at the office on that exact day.

Upon hearing the news, President Charles Logan sent the fetus to the Middle East to hunt down Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi. Before making the decision, Logan consulted his closest advisors, all of whom apparently work for Al-Qaeda. It took the fetus about 45 seconds to get to Iraq, which is about the time it apparently takes to get from one side of Los Angeles to the other.

Next season, Bauer will take on his greatest challenge yet by attempting to write a plausible script for the popular FOX show \”24.\”

Fight back, fetuses! Viva la insemination!

So this discussion took place when I was playing with my daughter:

Baby York: \”I\’m going to get married, Daddy.\”

Me: \”Oh yeah, who are you going to marry?\”

Baby York: \”Miss Piggy.\”

Me: Awkward silence….

Me: (Looking at my wife:) \”I need a ruling on this – am I allowed to say she\’s supposed to marry a boy? What are you supposed to say these days?\”

Wife: \”So you\’re more offended that she would marry a girl than a pig?\”

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After that, she and I practiced bouncing quarters off of a table into a cup. I figured this is genius on my part – I mean, when she\’s doing it in college, why not have her be the best in the world? We always played that the guy who makes it into the cup had to make other people drink – so if she\’s the Tiger Woods of playing quarters, she should never touch a drop of liquor, right? Daddy\’s looking out for her best interests. Brilliant. She has about 15 years to perfect it.

Later in the day, we were watching a basketball game and she said it was the \”black guys against the white guys.\” After dislodging the Cheeto from my windpipe, I said \”WHAT?\” I then realized it was Iowa (black jerseys) playing Indiana (white jerseys). I felt much better knowing I didn\’t have a three year old Marge Schott running around the house.

Someone sent this to me today, and I have to admit I almost died of laughter. The more you read, the funnier it gets. And I fully realize that the fact I thought it was funny means I should be checked into some kind of treatment center.

THIS BREAKFAST-PLATE IS UNTRUSTWORTHY