Washington(AP) – Tense hearings took a nasty turn today when Democratic senators began questioning Judge Samuel Alito’s 1985 subscription to Cat Fancy magazine. At issue was an editorial written in the magazine in March of that year that advocated for the highly controversial de-clawing surgical procedure.
“Look, I paid 15 bucks for the subscription,” said Alito. “Just because someone sends me a magazine that I paid for doesn’t mean I agree with its content,” said Alito. “I mean, hell – just because I get Swank every month doesn’t mean I crave red hot lesbian action,” said Alito, adding, “…although it doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t, either.” Following this comment, Alito’s wife ran out of the room, crying.
Alito, who has served with distinction as a federal appeals court judge for 15 years, was pummeled for nearly nine hours with questions about his insensitivity towards Feline-Americans. Alito was only given three fifteen minute breaks, so California Senator Dianne Feinstein could go have more fat vacuumed out of her face.
Senators questioned his decisions in the controversial case of Cat v. Nip, Garfield v. Odie, and the groundbreaking M.C. Skat Kat v. Paula Abdul, where the rapping feline claimed he had an affair with the ear-splitting songstress to appear in her video. Alito claimed that he had many friends that were cats, and the Pussycat Dolls’ song “Don’t Cha” was his favorite song of last year.
Democrats also threatened to filibuster Alito based on his conclusion in the Aniston v. Jolie controversy in favor of Brangelina. “That is an outrageous affront to our delicate societal framework,” said Senator Joe Biden (D-Delaware). He was able to call Jolie a “pillow lipped hussy” before his mandible fell off from overuse.
“The way Alito was treated was horrific,” said anonymous blogger Dennis York, whose posts have been scoured for personal information that would reveal his identity. “Sometime between when I played for the Toronto Argonauts of the CFL and my time as a member of the Wu-Tang Clan, I realized that there isn’t any justice,” said York.