I watched the movie \”Monster\” with my wife on Saturday night. You know, it\’s the movie where Charlize Theron wears tons of makeup to get all uglied up to play the role of lesbian serial killing hooker Aileen Wuornos, gracious recipient of six death sentences in Florida.

The movie provides a conundrum so profound, I thought I\’d mention it here. During the movie, she runs around killing guys who solicit her for sex. At one point, there\’s a scene where she\’s standing, naked looking at herself in the mirror. At first, you think it\’s no big deal, because she\’s kind of gross. But then, the wheels start to turn slowly in your head, and you begin to realize…those are Charlize Theron\’s boobs!

The problem is, by the time you put two and two together and start to imagine what the real Charlize Theron would look like wearing those boobs, the scene is over, and, tragically, you\’ve completely missed out on Movie Nudity History. Therein lies the conflict – you could just let the scene go by and pretend nothing happened, or you could take a chance on going to the remote control for a replay. This is an extremely high risk option, as it could result in your wife jamming the remote up your left nostril, causing causing lasting brain damage.

See the problems men have to face? Don\’t let women say they have it rough – we have to make some brutal decisions.

On a more serious note, I would encourage everyone to rent the movie \”Murderball,\” which is one of the best movies I\’ve seen this year. Don\’t let the title fool you – if you aren\’t inspired by this movie, you have a heart of lead.

It\’s the story of the 2004 U.S. Paralympic Rugby team, and probably isn\’t for the kiddies. It pulls off the rare trick of on the one hand making you thankful for being able bodied, but it also shows what an exciting and fulfilling life quadraplegics can live for years and years. Throw in some patriotism and a great soundtrack, and you have a winning movie. I\’m serious – I can\’t recommend it more emphatically. If you don\’t see it, the only conclusion I can draw is that you hate the handicapped.

UPDATE: A reader reminds me that Charlize Theron is naked in \”The Devil\’s Advocate,\” a movie so bad I must have purged it from my memory.

Please, Baby Jesus, make it so.

Milwaukee – Emotions ran high today at a public hearing called by Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle to discuss alleged price gouging by the fast food industry. Doyle opened the hearing with a speech decrying A&W Restaurants’ latest quarterly report, which shows an 18% increase in profits, totaling $189 million. “A&W’s price gouging costs Wisconsin consumers $178 billion per day,” said Doyle, citing a study compiled by noted UW economist Don Nichols.

The Bear testified wearing his trademark orange sweater, hat, and no pants, and fired back at the committee (as a peace offering, Doyle also chose to wear no pants). “I’m not from Wisconsin, but I imagine they do teach basic economics in the public schools,” he said. “I could be out in the field figuring out a way to increase supply of root beer to keep the price down, but instead I’m stuck at this phony dog and pony show so the Governor can get a cheap press hit,” said the Bear. The Bear then asked if there were any actual dogs or ponies he could take with him, as they are important ingredients in A&W’s hamburgers.

“We’re an international company, so it’s a cruel joke on Wisconsin\’s consumers to make them think that somehow their situation is unique,” continued the Bear. “Instead of blaming the business that provides a necessary service, the Governor should be offering to make root bear cheaper by repealing the law that requires it be marked up to guarantee a certain profit. Or you could cut the state’s tax on root beer if you were sincerely interested in what you could do to help consumers. Furthermore, you could scale back excessive regulations that prohibit A&W restaurants from providing more root beer supply to consumers, which would cut the price dramatically, or you could provide incentives for the formulation of alternative sources of root beer,” said the Bear. “Any of these options would be a hundred times more effective than calling me in for this charade,” he added.

Department of Health and Family Services administrator Burnie Bridge aggressively questioned the Bear, pointing out that while it only costs A&W about five cents to produce a cup of root beer, they sell it to customers for over a dollar. “It is outrageous that A&W would continue to sell a product for the price that people are willing to pay for it,” said Bridge.

Bridge also produced photographs of the Bear and some high priced Washington lobbyists treating legislators to a night out at “The Bear Essentials,” a local gentlemen’s club. \”We\’re bears,\” answered the Bear. \”Sometimes we get tired of looking at the same tails,\” he added.

Following his testimony, the bear ate Secretary of Agriculture Rod Nilsestuen.

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I promise, no more fast-food related posts…