I’m always entertained when people speculate as to who “won” the battle of the state budget. To settle it once and for all, we need have Jim Doyle on one side of a podium and the Legislature on the other side. With Virgil standing behind her fanning out $100 bills (like he used to do for the Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase), Supreme Court Chief Justice Shirley Abrahamson would then declare a winner, who would then get to hold the championship belt until the next budget amid trash talk between the sides.

I saw “Batman Begins” this weekend and it was so good, I was inspired to go out and fight crime. I immediately went to PDQ and sat there for 12 hours, waiting for it to be robbed. Unfortunately, the only criminal act I witnessed was the fact that they were selling boxes of Gobstoppers for $1.29.

Rumors are circling that former Senate Minority Leader Jon Erpenbach will not seek re-election next year. Erpenbach, as you recall, won the Olympic gold medal in the 200 meter backstroke last summer, beating out American favorite Michael Phelps. Phelps was clearly devastated when he was beaten by a paunchy 43 year old, who was actually smoking a cigarette and had a blood alcohol level of .32 as he swam. Erpenbach is looking forward to spending time training for the newest Olympic event, the “neighborhood pool fence jump.”

Ever notice that on “The Wiggles” they never allow the Asian Wiggle to drive the Big Red Car? Is that because he’s a narcoleptic?

Is there a more under-covered story than Frank Boyle reportedly urinating in his pants at the police station when he was arrested for DUI earlier this year? Next time someone says “something doesn’t pass the smell test” on the floor of the Assembly, they might want to check Boyle’s trousers.

Last week, I shaved off my goatee. Yesterday, wouldn’t you know it, I was walking down the street and saw someone else wearing it! I tried to wrestle it off the fellow, but for some reason, he resisted. Finally, we exchanged library card numbers and went our separate ways.

I was watching the Brewer game a couple weeks ago, when Prince Fielder hit his first major league home run. Hysterical announcer Daron Sutton acted as if Fielder instead walked out to the middle of the field and converted bread to fish for the Miller Park crowd. Sutton, a former pitcher, clearly has seen plenty of home runs in his time, otherwise he wouldn’t be announcing baseball games – he’d be pitching in them.

If there were ever an Olympic competition for spinning a bag of Wonder Bread to close it after use, I would win the gold medal every time. That is, until they found out I use steroids to get as good as I am.

If you’re ever stuck an at airport and have to resort to people watching, there are two games that are sure to keep you entertained. Game one: “Gay… or European?” Game two: “Father… or lover?” And you have to pause between the choices. Funny every time.

One of the funnier recent developments has to be rappers getting into the soft drink business. This weekend, I tried some of Nelly’s “Pimp Juice,” then I sat back waiting for five strung out, syphilis infected street women to show up at my house, urging me to slap them around. Still waiting, nothing yet. My dog did hump my Playstation, so I’m holding out hope that it’s working a little bit.

I rewired my alarm clock so now when the alarm goes off, I fall asleep instantly.

Yep, I think this pretty much sums up Europeans. (Warning: absolutely NOT work friendly.)Apparently “Ding Dong Song (You Touch My Tra-La-La)” by Gunther & The Sunshine Girls is the #1 song in Sweden right now. And we base our foreign policy on what these people think? 5 bucks to anyone who can watch the whole thing through.

Time Magazine doesn’t even attempt to whitewash their biases anymore, and they never miss an opportunity to talk down to their readers. For example, take this diagram of the U.S. Supreme Court, where they color code (red for the red states, blue for the blue) the justices. Furthermore, they split them into dark colors (staunch) or light colors (moderate). And guess what? All the conservatives except Anthony Kennedy are “staunch,” while all the liberals are “moderates.” The text of the accompanying article even refers to Ginsburg and Breyer as “stalwarts of the court’s liberal wing.” Those two justices are probably fighting for next month’s centerfold in “The Progressive” magazine.

Aside from this obvious bias, how pretentious is it to color code justices? Is that for those of us who get the Supreme Court confused with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? In order to make it perfectly clear for their puerile readers, they should have included cartoon icons next to the justices: A plate of steaming tortellini next to Scalia (the hot blooded Italian one), a two-for-one coupon at Payless Shoes for Ginsburg (the crafty Jewish one) a Coke can with a pubic hair on it next to Thomas, and so on and so forth. I would personally like to thank Time for boiling down the complexity and thoughtfulness of the Supreme Court to a color chart. Next week – our Iraq exit strategy mapped out in Legos.

I have a “bone” to pick with our state government.

Taxes are too high, overregulation is stifling our economy, we are at war, and the balance of the Supreme Court is in question. However, our news media has missed one crucial story that may trump the rest in importance. I bring you Wisconsin State Statute 942.08(1)(a), the definition of “public nudity,” which states:

942.08(1)(a)
(a) “Nude or partially nude person” means any human being who has less than fully and opaquely covered genitals, pubic area or buttocks, any female human being who has less than a fully opaque covering over any portion of a breast below the top of the nipple, or any male human being with covered genitals in a discernibly turgid state.

That’s right: boners are illegal in Wisconsin.

The thought police are on the prowl – how is it possible for any male to short circuit the direct line (the “Batphone, if you will) between his brain and his pants? I believe it is my right as an American to walk in public in any “state” that I feel is appropriate.

Suppose I want to go out and get my mail after a couple hours of watching MTV’s “Spring Break Weekend.” Would the cops rush up to my door and slap the cuffs on (or in this case, one small cuff)? Would I have to sit in a jail cell with murderers, rapists, and plagiarizers and have to explain that I was in there because a cable station decided to play “Charlie’s Angels” reruns in the afternoon?

Can you imagine the floor debate on the insertion of this law? Was it tucked discreetly into a larger bill? Did it con its way into state law by buying the statute books a few drinks and playing some Marvin Gaye records?

I imagine the floor debate went something like this:

Pro-boner ban representative: “Mr. Speaker, I rise in order to speak about a danger that is plaguing society. Kids these days with their rap music and boners are going to eradicate humanity. Keep in mind, I have no idea how children are made or that stiffies are essential to procreation.”

Anti-boner ban representative: “Mr Speaker, I would like to rise, but unfortunately I am having trouble standing up right now without making an embarassing adjustment.”

(This representative accepted lucrative campaign contribution from Swedish “pump” companies.)

This law doesn’t discriminate on the basis of age. If you’re an elderly Viagra user and your condition persists for more than four hours, you may have to consult an attorney before you consult your physician. For teenage boys, cops could round up sting operations at the same time the Kohl’s womens’ underwear ads are mailed. The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue coming to my house would have turned into the OJ trial.

If you find yourself potentially in violation of the law, calm down, lock your doors and windows, and turn on the WNBA for five minutes. This is guaranteed to clear it right up.

This cosmic injustice must be corrected. Some brave legislator must stand up, tall and strong, and challenge the otherwise flaccid Legislature to repeal this law. My suggestion: Representative Jeff Wood.

I want to devote a quick entry to thank Greg Bump and the folks at Wispolitics.com for their budget blog, which gives people who might not be interested in staying up through the night a chance to see how things really happen on the floor. I know it’s his job, but that doesn’t mean his work isn’t appreciated and valuable. It really is great to have everything on record in an understandable format.

Side note: When Greg writes that everyone is so tired they want to jump off the Capitol dome, I suspect he is projecting his own feelings. Just a theory.